It's been so long since I've blogged! I really have missed it. I always find myself thinking "Oh! I'd love to blog this!" but it's always among showering, cooking, schooling, raising children....you get the point. Now that the baby is finally a bit older, I've found myself with a bit more time than I had before, which brings me to the point of this blog!
MY BABY IS ONE!!!!!!!! I can't believe it! Seriously, it went so fast. I felt like by the time I finally had a third; a much awaited, long hoped for third, I knew how to appreciate every moment. I didn't sweat the small stuff. I enjoyed every waking minute. Oh yes, sleep deprivation was SO real! So was low milk supply. Pumping. Learning to balance raising three children on my own since Daddy is always gone. This new life we live now involves Daddy being gone far more than any of us would like! He deploys for 2-3 months at a time, home for 1-2 months and so on and so forth. It's awful! In addition to these deployments there's no communication. Sure, we can email him! But his responses are hardly regular! When we do get a response it's usually pretty short and leaves us starving for more. It's hard to say the least. I personally, miss his voice alone! Sure, I've learned to LOVE binging my own shows and hogging the bed, but I would give it all back without hesitation, just to have him back home! Today? Its our precious baby's 1st birthday and Daddy has to miss it all! We didn't celebrate really, because he will be home soon-ish! We have a party planned. But it was super emotional for me. Probably not so much the kids. This first year of my son's life has been challenging. We had to move one month after my c-section. We had to wait for a house to become available. Husband had to report to work before our furniture arrived at our home. The stress, the sleep deprivation. It was beyond awful. I lost so much hair. Meanwhile I was trying to keep everyone happy and positive! I was trying to figure out life again with a new baby. But this time without a husband and two older children who I homeschool. I'd be lying if I said I slid right into the life. I wanted to nurse for a year which proved to be far more challenging that I had predicted! It took me a long time to recover from my c-section. My milk came in fairly quickly, however, I didn't seem to have near as much as I had with the first two and didn't take advantage of! Plus we had moved to a new state during the summer and further south than we were used to. Getting used to the heat and humidity was a huge trial in regards to my milk supply! I found myself always drinking water and some how always being dehydrated. I was determined and stuck with it. I ended up exclusively pumping from month 3 on. I was so very grateful to be giving my baby exactly what he needed and loved. He grew, thrived and has developed into a handsome, intelligent, feisty, opinionated wee nugget. God allowed me to survive pumping and we have made it to a year! Needless to say, it's bittersweet! Today I've found myself flooded with emotions. Thinking back to walking into the hospital to birth him. The mass amounts of anxiety during the prep of my c-section. The emotions of seeing my new son. The pain of after birth complications. The extreme joy in seeing my family all together as a new family of 5. The healing. Every last emotion. Including recalling every emotion over the last year of his precious life. Thinking of it all there was one person there. One person who stood by my side the whole time. One person who, even though we've had our downs, has been the ONLY person I want to run to when I'm sick or upset. My husband. My children's father. And because of deployment, he couldn't be here today. With us, celebrating all of the emotions, joys, tears and fears. Not only that, we couldn't talk to him. He sent me a short email this morning, but when I immediately responded there was no response. (Normal!) Today I'm sensitive. Today, I've stayed off Facebook and watching everyone enjoy their weekends with their spouses. I've stayed busy. I've taken care of my house, children, really I found every excuse to stay busy. But I will definitely be going to bed with a heavy heart tonight. Tomorrow, I will wake up feeling stronger and better. But tonight my heart will yearn and ache. Yearn for the time that's flown by. Yearn for the baby who's growing so quickly right in front of my eyes. Ache for my love. A deep ache that I can't put into words because my soul is not complete. An ache because our family is not complete and is definitely missing a huge part. Despite the tears I've shed over this weekend, I praise God. I praise God because even when jealousy gets the best of me, I know HE has been gracious to me! I have a husband to miss! I have 3 healthy sons who bring me daily joy! Despite the tears, I will rejoice! Because deployments are hard but life gives you gifts, like birthdays! Enjoy your loved ones, friends! Hold them close! Appreciate your spouse who comes home every night! Reach out to a friend who's without their husband more often than you! Chances are, they could use a meal, hug, coffee, wine....really anything!
