Trust.....

It's been on my heart to share this with you all! Some of you may know, most probably don't. Having our precious fourth was completely unplanned. In fact mere weeks before I found out I was pregnant with her, I had come to a peace that we were done having our own biologically. I was extremely content being a "boy mom". I felt it's what God had designed me for. We have a strong desire to adopt/foster but with my husband's crazy military career, we aren't in a place to do that quite yet. But as far as biologically, I was done! And happy with that. I was also okay with not having a girl. I'd spent so much time wishing number two and three were girls, I had just given up and decided to be happy over the gifts God gave me. So finding out we were expecting again was a mix of emotions and not great ones. I also KNEW it had to be a girl because I had found such peace about not having one. haha! I would be lying if I told you I just accepted what God decided to do with our life. I whined, I complained, I was completely ungrateful. I essentially threw a fit like a two year old. "I don't want it! I don't wanna do this! I didn't plan this. Why can't things go how I planned?" I had a rotten attitude. Throughout the pregnancy and other personal things going on, God really started to put ONE word on my heart. Just one. Trust. I would randomly be going through my day and the word would pop in my head. I argued with God about it, at first. "No! I don't wanna trust. I know YOU have a plan but I think it's stupid." haha! I'm being straight up honest to you all about my terrible attitude. I'm not sugar coating it. It was horrible. Yet, God faithfully kept at me. Trust. T-R-U-S-T. TRUST ME! About halfway through my pregnancy my heart really took a turn. This baby was coming whether I liked it or not. I decided to stop fighting God and see what path HE had for me. Every issue I had, I brought it back to HIS promise to me. "Trust Me. I have you! You are NOT alone. This is for MY glory! Trust me!" I was terrified to have a fourth c-section. Terrified. I was scared to go through a fourth postpartum. To try and nurse again. All of it. To raise a girl for the first time. So.much.fear! Trust. Day of my c-section I kept praying. The walk into the hospital I just kept praying and talking to God. "I trust You! I'm scared, but I trust. YOU have a plan. Regardless of the outcome, I trust. I choose trust!" Going back for my c-section "I trust you. I'm scared, God. Help me. I trust Your plan but bring me peace." Continually. My c-section was wonderful! The staff was wonderful. They listened to me. I verbalized. It was everything I wish a birth could be! I was loved, supported and the baby and I came through healthy and fine. Not long after she had nursing problems. "Trust me!" I fought, I cried, I was exhausted. I trusted HIM. He made my body produce the milk sufficient enough to grow a human being. We were going to nurse because I trusted God and the body He gave me. God brought a community around me to support me and get my nursing figured out! He kept me faithful! We're not pros yet, but we have come so far! After the nursing challenges we have had the sleep deprivation challenges. I remember when we first got back from the hospital I was so sore, in so much pain and we had close to no solid sleep. I prayed and told God exactly this "This is your plan, God. I'm on board. I trust You. I pray over this child You've chosen to gift us. I ask that if it be your will, we get some sleep! If not, I trust You will keep me awake and able to function without the sleep! I trust you!" That very night we got 6hrs of sleep. For those who don't know newborns (we're talking under a week old) that's a BIG deal! God has continued to put that word on my heart and remind me over and over again that it's not about me! It's about HIM! I'm not perfect, but it's been such a huge learning lesson for me this year. I'm making Trust my word for 2018! I'm stubborn, but God loves me. HE cares! He is teaching me to be humble and trust. I could tell you story after story this year, in which I can see God teaching me true trust. Trust. Keep trusting, friends! God is faithful, ALWAYS.