My Cancer Story

Most of you know my "Cancer Story". But for those of you who don't, I thought I would write a more detailed version of my personal experience.


 In September 2011 I had my second baby boy. That was a journey in and of itself which landed me with pretty severe Post Partum Depression. (Been there, SO done that.) That took me until June of 2012 to start feeling normal again. I started working out, eating better and tackling life without medication. It went really well. By January of 2013 I'd lost about 40lbs. Excellent. Until all of a sudden I just felt drained. Looking back I remember the word Leukemia popping into my head. SO often! It's strange. I'd be showering and "Leukemia!" would pop into my head. Out of no where. Just the word alone. Weird. By February I was more tired. I'd completely stopped working out and I felt like I was barely surviving the day to day life. At the time my boys were almost 3 and 2. I figured it was normal for me to feel tired. With a military husband who is gone all the time and a new state in which we'd just settled in, I mean, come on! I should be tired! Made sense. I kept plugging away. By the end of March I was definitely feeling more drained and would get random headaches. I'm not one for headaches. I get them occasionally. But they started to become more frequent. I also fell at the end of March. I have a chronic sprain in my right ankle so when I saw the bruises and scrapes on that ankle I wasn't alarmed in the slightest. Although I was sure I'd broken something, I elevated, iced and took motrin. After a day or so, it was not even remotely feeling better. After getting xrays and investigating, we discovered that it was nothing more serious than a sprain! I was to stay with my foot elevated as much as possible. Keep doing what I was doing, basically. I remember no matter what I did, the swelling really never improved and the bruising. My goodness. It was awful. Well eventually I got a brace for it and gave up the "resting" life. Which brings us to May 2013. My brother was graduating college back home. (read: not the state we were currently living in) So we decide to pack up and head back home for a 3 week stay! I remember how tired I was. That's THE biggest thing that sticks in my memory. I had to pack and load up the car by myself because my husband was working. As soon as he got home we were leaving to drive through the night. So I did it all. I remember cleaning the house (always the last thing I do before leaving for a trip...that way when I come back, it's clean!) and just being exhausted! I didn't end up cleaning everything I wanted to because I simply couldn't move any more. By the time we were loaded up in the car on our way, I noticed severe swelling in my fingers and feet. I figured it was me being overworked. But as we traveled through mountains it got painfully worse. As in, when we stopped for bathroom breaks, it hurt to walk. Strange. By the time we finally reached our destination all I wanted to do was set up our air mattress and pass out for days. The first day of being there, just after we finished unpacking, I went to take a shower. We were staying at my girlfriends house. Her bathroom was set up a bit different than mine so when I turned to get into the shower after undressing, I could see my full naked body in the mirror. I noticed a very dark spot peaking out from my chest. I lifted up my right boob and there was a HUGE bruise under it. I was horrified. Thinking back, I knew in that moment. But in the moment, I was like "Well, that's weird...lemme shower and then I'll tell hubby I'm going to Urgent Care." When I was done showering I went into the bedroom where he was. I remember saying "I found a huge bruise under my boob. I haven't fallen....it doesn't even hurt to touch. Somethings NOT right. I'm going to Urgent Care." He agreed with me and then told me that he'd noticed a couple days ago, a huge bruise on my butt. I hadn't seen it or noticed. That just gave me a sinking feeling. Also, about a week before that, I'd started a new Prenatal Vitamin. (I wasn't pregnant, I just take prenatals regularly because I'm told they're the healthiest dose of vitamin for a woman!) I couldn't get rid of this metal taste in my mouth. And by the time I'd reached "Back Home" it was full blown. I almost could feel my jaw locking! I rushed to Urgent Care. Because my ankle had been so painful since the end of March, I had been taking a decent amount of Motrin. The Dr at Urgent care agreed the bruises weren't normal but said they'd do blood work. The next day (it was the 2nd day of us being "back home" Urgent Care called me with the results from my blood work. Keep in mind I had no idea about blood work at all! They said my numbers did seem low but being that I'd been taking Motrin, I just needed to stop taking it and I'd probably be fine. "Uh! Okay....." So I called my general Dr right away. I loved her and knew she'd be able to explain things better to me. Once I told her what was going on and she saw the blood work, she completely agreed that something was off. But because we were out of town, to just wait and come and see her right away when I got back. She said meanwhile, if ANY thing funky happens, to go straight to the hospital. Don't even bother with Urgent Care. Okay. Will do! I kept riding out my exhaustion and weird unexplained bruises. By 1.5 of being "back home" it really looked like someone had taken a baseball bat to me. I was bruised all over. I kept explaining the tiredness on being on "vacation" with a 3 and 2 year old. I mean, come on! There's no such thing as a vacation when they're that age. A couple of days before we're due to go back to our home, I start what I thought was an early period. Honestly, there was just so many signs saying "GET SOME REAL HELP, LADY!!!!" Did I listen? Nope! I just kept explaining everything away in my mind and trying to remain as normal as possible. At one point my husband even said "You don't look good!" And he NEVER says that. EVER! For guys, if you're reading this, you might wanna skip ahead a bit. Fair warning! ;-) My vaginal bleeding just started gushing. I happened to be at Walmart when it happened and I immediately soaked through my underwear and pants. So I went to get new underwear and pants. Plus all the lady essentials (plus pads and tampons). I changed and went on my way. That night I cooked dinner for my parents. The next day, I didn't wanna move. AT ALL. But we were due to visit my husband's family and I had a lunch date with a few good girlfriends that I did NOT wanna miss. The day drug on and the bleeding got worse. I remember telling my husband that I felt weak. I told him I was loosing a lot of blood but I thought it was stress. So he was in charge of the kiddos. I mostly sat and rested. At this point I was bleeding through a super pad and super tampon every 10-15min. So all I was doing was making bathroom trips constantly. My girlfriend picks me up for lunch and I explain to her in more vivid detail what was going on. She insists on taking me to the E.R. I refused to go without lunch. (Because lets be real a second.....they always STARVE you when you go to the ER. lol) So we joined up with the other friend and had lunch. A 30-45min lunch in which I had to go change my pad and tampon twice. After lunch we got cupcakes and headed to the E.R. Little did I know that'd be my last day out in the world for a long time. I went into Triage pretty quickly and when asked if I was bleeding through a pad OR tampon more than 3 in an hour, I replied with an emphatic "YES! Both." I was taken immediately back to a room. After that things are VERY fuzzy. The one thing that sticks in my mind is the ER Dr trying so very hard to remain calm, continually saying "Oh my God.....Oh....Oh....Oh my God." At one point everyone was basically on top of me asking if I was okay. I guess I looked like I was gonna pass out. There was just so much blood. They asked me to give a urine sample. That was a mess in and of itself. First of all, lets start with the fact that I'd lost so much blood I was just weak. My legs felt SO heavy. Plus there was just so much blood at this point that it was dried on the inside of my legs....when I tried to pee into a tiny cup...well...let's just say it was M-E-S-S-Y! I finally made it back to my triage bed and put my urine sample on the counter. I'd left a trail of blood from the bathroom back to my room. It was so awful! When the ER Dr saw my urine sample...she really couldn't hide her alarm any more. She decided I needed to be admitted. They kept asking me if I was sure I wasn't pregnant. I insisted that I wasn't. When they originally admitted me, it was to the OBGYN floor. I wasn't there more than 2hrs before being moved to the cancer floor. Only, I didn't know that's where I'd been moved to. I was SO out of it. Those next few days were a blur of blood, tests, blood transfusions, platelet transfusions, biopsies and everything else. By the time I was admitted my husband gave the kids to my Mom and headed over. We knew it wasn't good. Mostly because every time I asked "So what are you thinking it might be?" They completely avoided my question or wouldn't answer it. I'd been in the hospital (ER, really) enough to know that it's really serious if they don't give you a single clue what it could be.   It took about 3 days for them to finally come into my room and tell me what I had. At this point, I wasn't surprised. I knew. I knew all along. When the Dr's told me they paused, waiting for a reaction. I had none. Except "Okay....so what does that mean? What's the plan?" For those who don't know me, I've always been described as a "Happy Person". Always laughing, smiling and looking at the bright side. At this point, I was no different. Just crappy hair, pale skin and tired. They told me I had  Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia. APL. "If you're going to get cancer, this is one of the best kinds you can get." my Dr told my husband and I. "Oh...well...in that case....let's get on treatment and break up outta here!" haha At that point in time, we were already supposed to be back home and my husband was due to return back to work that coming up Monday. The Dr's said they couldn't discharge me to go back home for treatment. They'd just started to get a handle on my vaginal bleeding at my blood cancer cells were at 100%. They said had my friend, not brought me in whens he did, I could've easily died by the next day. Just from bleeding out. If the blood didn't get me, I would've died within the next couple of days since at that point in time I had NO good blood cells. Scary! I still praise God that my friend MADE me go. I wouldn't have gone. I just kept explaining things away. Plus my husband knew I didn't look well, but I hadn't gone into details about how bad it was, else he would've made me gone. But you know how it is with girlfriends. You can share certain things with them. Anyways, it was clear I couldn't leave the hospital. The Dr's explained that standard treatment for this type of cancer, is an initial 6 week hospital stay. You get put on isolation (especially for me because I was critical) and go through your first round of chemo. That next week was a blur! A surreal blur! A mix of telling family, making sure my Mom was okay to take my children for the summer, my husband trying to figure out what to do for work (ie:Do we transfer to "back home" or do initial treatment then go back home...or does he leave me and the kids and go back to work?), telling friends, tests, ports, biopsies, chemo etc. I was so blessed to have parents who did (without hesitation) take my children and raise them for the summer. I also had a husband who fought so hard to do what was best for all of us, be there for me, be there for the kids and still deal with all the inner workings of the military. (which by the way, did NOT go well. They were not there for us at all!) I had a best friend who got my FB password and helped respond to emails, update status' and volunteered to be a contact so I wasn't bothered. Even my friends back in the state we were living went above and beyond to be there for me, despite distance. Seriously, nothing but a hard time for you to realize who your friends are. Even people I hadn't heard from in a long time, popped up to ask what they could do! It was amazing! I didn't fully appreciate it then, because I seriously was fighting to stay awake. I ended up being in the hospital for just under 8 weeks. I missed my favorite holiday (4th of July) and being with my kids every day. They did come and visit but honestly, I barely remember it. It's all a blur for me. I had issues with my port. (What's a Port?)  That was an awful experience. They put it in and 12hrs later (probably not even quite that long) I spiked a fever. A vein on my shoulder flowing to my neck popped up. It was so painful. I had a tragus piercing in that ear, and puss started coming out of it. It was nasty. By the time they took me to get it out, I couldn't move my neck and I just had tears streaming down my face. We to this day, have no clue why it was such a problem. I believe that my body just rejected anything because I had nothing to give. They finally gave me a PICC line (What's a PICC line?) which can only be used temporarily, but it worked to get my chemo in and then when I was done for the week, they'd pull it out. We did that for the next 4 months. I don't remember what type of chemo I did. I called them Windex and Fruit Punch. They switched them back and forth.After my 8 week stay in the hospital, I then did 3 other rounds of chemo at a treatment center. It was very odd being there. I didn't make friends because everyone just stared at me. I was the youngest one there. Everyone else was much older. But it was okay because I brought my husband with me. And then a few times I brought my sister. I remember being so tired but loving hearing my husband sister giggle over a Scrabble game. It was honestly the fact that we just made the best out of the situation that got me through. Things like my husband completely re-doing my hospital room into this bright happy space! It was those things that made it all flow smoothly and not seem so bad!

I mean, how could you be sad with a hospital room like that?

Everyone in my life did everything they could to support a happy, positive atmosphere! It was fantastic and such a blessing. Most of the rest of 2013 was a blur. A lot of headaches from my Atra medicine (kinda like extra chemo...it was actually arsenic), sleeping, weakness, difficulty breathing and etc. By November 4th I was officially declared in remission and we took off to head back to our home. I can't tell you or explain in any kind of words how great of a feeling it was to be back in my own bed. Around my own things. In  house I'd set up and that held so many memories. At that point in time I thought "Well cancer isn't so bad!" Oh sure, I might not be able to have kids again, but there is adoption. It did make me so sad because I was NOT ready to stop having kids. That was my biggest struggle through treatment. Knowing I might never feel a baby inside of me, again. Other than that...It was a piece of cake. I didn't even throw up and get nauseous like most people do. What did I have to be sad about? Then came the year 2014. Pure hell for me. No other way to put it. Chemically my body was still off. I was still tired and trying to recover at the same time, jumping into raising two very active boys who I hadn't been with constantly for 6mo. Husband went back to work and I was stuck trying to figure out how to go on. I felt so detached. That's the best way to describe the beginning. Detached. Everything felt out of my control. Anger set in. Extreme anger. Anyone who knows me, knows that I was NOT myself that year. It didn't help that March of 2014 my grandmother who I was extremely close to, died suddenly. I shut down. Completely shut down. Thankfully, in the back of my mind I kept telling myself to fight. I started with counseling. Then medication. Then trying to tackle my health. My internal body was suffering badly. It still makes me shudder to think about that year. It took me well into the beginning of 2015 to start being "New Me". A lot changed for me. I'm so much more 'Normal' now. There's no way you can be the same after an experience like that. I was diagnosed with mild PTSD and depression with a slight mix of anxiety. I've fought so hard to be where I am. By summer 2015 I stopped medication, graduated counseling and by August 2015 I was pregnant. With my 3rd baby boy! Who's very healthy and happy! Due to be born April 29th, 2016. Every single day I'm grateful for a faithful husband who not only supported me but went above and beyond to hold things together and make everything better for us. For hair! Oh my goodness. I never EVER thought I'd feel about hair like I do no! It's a precious gift and the fact that I've finally gotten it down my back again, just amazing! Every single shower I take, I re-fall in love with my hair. haha It sounds silly, but it's true. Every tear I cry, I'm thankful I'm still hear to cry it. I'm also thankful that I'm through that depression anger stage. I find I'm still going through stages. It's VERY difficult for me to talk about 2014. I honestly find myself in denial that it ever happened to begin with. But I've also gained some self esteem from this experience. I had such low self esteem before. And now? I learn to appreciate my opinions and decisions. I learn to appreciate my will to fight. I appreciate believing in a God who pulled me through all of it AND gave me the gift of life. Cancer is not easy! And my journey was not easy. But it's what God gave to me. A special unique experience just for me! The lessons I learned and the support I gained. What a blessing!


Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

1 Samuel 1:10&11 And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord, and wept sore. And she vowed a vow, and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head.

2 Years? Really?

I find myself honestly being stunned to arrive at my 2 year Remission of Leukemia Anniversary! There are so many thoughts and emotions running through my head. I'm sure those pregnancy hormones don't help at this very moment. Cancer. *sigh* I feel I've talked myself silly on the subject. During, after, way after.....it's just. Cancer. It sucks. There's no better way of saying it. The actual chemo part was easy for me! So very easy. Oh sure, it had it's issues, naps, headaches, lack of eating. It's crazy that, that was the easy part. The year after cancer, however? Nightmare! Pure hell! Anger. Lots of anger. I've blogged about it previously. I needed a lot of help last year. Lots of friends who lent listening ears, a counselor, drugs, a supportive husband...the list goes on. It was hell for me. I'm sure for my husband as well. It was NOT easy! And then as of the beginning of 2015 I just stopped wanting to talk about it. I didn't want to acknowledge that it existed! Oh sure, if someone asked, I'd talk about it and sometimes I might mention it. But other than that, talking about cancer in general...I just didn't want any part of it. I was watching this TV show called "Chasing Life" It was about a girl who got Leukemia and her journey. The first year of healing (2014) I connected very much with the show though it made me cry often bringing back memories. However, this year? I couldn't watch it any more. I found myself feeling absolutely sick. Like I was going to throw up! Or I'd get irritated after watching the show and not know why. Eventually I realized, this year 2015, is my year of denial. I'm guessing it's going to take me about 5 years to go through all the stages of grief. Anger, Denial....I'm not sure what's next. We shall see! But for this year, yes, I'm very grateful to have survived it. I do, I really do, feel incredibly blessed to have had this experience. It's opened my eyes to not only cancer but other situations. Even myself as a person, I feel, has changed drastically. I'm not that same girl who got cancer. Sure, I have the same traits, and I definitely still look like her. (more healthy now though!) But my views and thinking, are just way different. I also know that God brought me through all that for a serious reason! I'm privileged he decided to keep me around. However, this year, I'm definitely feeling more survivors guilt. It makes me sad to know that others suffer worse than I did. And that I'm included in the cancer group, when in all honesty, my cancer was NOTHING in comparison to what others do. I just don't feel worthy! Why me? I find myself just more sad on this anniversary. On the verge of tears. And like I said, pregnancy hormones aren't helping. But that's another reason I feel guilty. 2 years of my Remission and I'm pregnant. I never thought that'd happen ever again! And it did! A miracle. A huge blessing! That I am so over the moon happy and grateful for. But again, why me? Why do I get this happiness? I dunno. I'm going to try and carry on my Anniversary date as normal. Tomorrow will be an emotional day. (November 4th is my official date) But I will still carry on like normal. Because there are so many others who don't get to live their lives normal or even at all! Cancer sucks life out of people and it's hard. So please be patient with me if I seem a bit off. I've got to mentally work through all this. *sigh* Cancer sucks!

He Waved To Me....

It's been a few days! I wanted to blog about this, the day it happened, but as life would have it I just couldn't get to it! So everything is not fresh in my mind like I wanted it to be, but the majority of my main points still stick! :-)

 I am completely in love with our little boy! We still have yet to reveal it to everyone. So I'm typing this and you all won't be reading it until later. haha It's been about a week and a half now that I've been able to sit on this information. I was straight up sad (as per my previous blog post) finding out it was another boy. And overwhelmed. All along though, I was still finding myself being grateful that the baby was healthy! That's really what matters. However, I did take about 2 days to stop being as sad. Which honestly, isn't that bad! haha!

So Monday, I went for an OB check up. I knew I'd be getting an ultra sound just to check the baby's heartbeat. I was pretty excited. Well, when we started the ultra sound, baby was SO much bigger than just 2 weeks ago when I saw him last. I was amazed!!!!!! He actually looked more like a little person! He was sucking on his hand and my heart started going all jumpy! I got tears in my eyes and just at that moment, he turned and waved to me. Just waved. 5 tiny little fingers. I could count each finger. I could see his eyes (well...more the space where they are) It wasn't a big wave. More, he stretched out all his fingers and did a slight wave. But even the Dr and nurse were like "Did he just wave?!" haha He totally did! I was elated. My baby! My sweet baby boy!!!!! I held in the tears. Laughed, as I normally do when I feel the need to cry, and got dressed and headed out the door. I happened to be listening to my Josh Groban CD before I went in. As soon as I turned on the car, his song You Are Loved, came on. I started bawling my eyes out! I had been sad that the baby wasn't a girl. In reality, I still hope and pray for a girl. BUT! I am now 100% in love with this little man! There are no doubts in my mind that I won't love him because he's another rambunctious, loud, fast moving little boy! Am I still overwhelmed? Oh yes! Very much so! But I'm so very happy and in love! God saw fit to bless with me with a miracle! And he's healthy and active and he loves me and I him! I cried all the way to pick up my other two little boys who have stolen my heart! Some people may say I'm wishy washy or can't make up my mind. Or that I'm ungrateful. The truth is, yes! I am! Because I'm human! I have feelings that I have to sort through. I just feel okay being open and honest about those feelings. I get judged quite frequently, but it's the price you pay of being honest. This miracle is precious to me! And even when I was sad, he was still precious to me. It's just that I had to adjust to a plan that wasn't really mine. haha! But now seeing my little monkey and watching him interact and even feeling him move occasionally, I'm so very much in love! I still get offended when people tell me I'm destined to be a boy Mom or that I make such a great Boy Mom, because I'm a great mom period. Regardless of having boys or not. And one day I really hope to be more than just a boy mom. But for now, this is where God wants me and I couldn't be happier. I still pray that one day we have that little girl that has my hair and looks like her Daddy. But for now? For today. I'm excited to meet my new little man and see who he looks most like! Maybe he'll even have red hair! A girl can dream! ;-) (For the record I have Irish in me and red hair, Hubby's Mother is a bright natural red head....I'm hopeful!)

Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy!

It's official! I'm going to have THREE boys! To be honest, shock is the word I can best describe my feelings. Shock and very overwhelmed. I know I've said I love being a Boy Mom. I really do! But I honest to goodness thought they'd tell me this one was a girl. Still doesn't feel real. You all will be reading this about two weeks after I found out. I'm writing this now and saving it as a draft to publish when it's revealed. I knew my chances for having another boy were high being that I already had two. And now that I have three, the chances of a girl are even lower. So, let me explain some of my emotions.

First off, lets back up to how I found out. Originally we knew we were getting the blood genetic test. The reason for the test was to find out if anything was wrong with the baby. Due to chemo, I was just really nervous about what possibly chemo, might have done to my eggs. The bonus of the test was that we'd find out gender before my first Trimester was up. So, I got it done on Monday, October 5, 2015. It was a simple blood draw...then they send your blood in for a lab to run all kinds of tests. I'm not sure what all this genetic screening covered. I plan on asking at my check-up on Monday what we can rule out genetic wise. Anyways, they told me it could take up to two weeks. Bummer. The original plan (when I thought the test would only take like 3 days) was for me to go get an envelope with the answer from the Dr's office, then go shopping with my little family! Pick out a boy and girl outfit and have the cashier wrap up which outfit is correct while we left the store for a bit. We'd come back, pay for the outfit and walk away with a wrapped gift. I did not want to find out over the phone! Then Hubby T got orders to be out of town that week. Okay. Military life. What are ya gonna do? So we stuck to the original plan and just planned on skyping Daddy from the store and then we'd go home and unwrap while skyping at home. The 4 of us. Cute plan right? Well, then they told me the test would take 2 weeks. Ugh! Okay, no biggie! After thinking and talking about it, I decided to do a gender reveal party. I've never done one. This baby is a miracle, so why not? So I immediately set about planning a gender reveal. I set the party date for a couple days past 2 weeks from the test. Thursday, October 22, 2015 is the gender reveal. I should find out gender no later than Monday, October 19th. Plus I have a check up scheduled for that day, so perfect. Once date is set I then proceed to plan the party. After thinking about it and discussing it with Hubby T, we decide that I'm going to find out gender. Just me. That way I could process it myself and not be subject to people's judgments and criticism over my reaction. I knew ahead of time I'd need my space if it was another boy. Which I will explain more of later. So fast forward through that week. Husband comes home late Monday afternoon. I set up last minute our Christmas Photo sessions. We always get family photos done in October. The natural scenery is just too perfect to pass up. We needed to get them done ASAP because the weather is changing quite fast. And between Husband's work schedule and class schedule...we just needed to do it as soon as possible. So, that meant Tuesday. Oh good! Cause I didn't have enough planned. Every Tuesday the boys have swim lessons from 11:30am-12pm. And two weeks before I'd scheduled a much needed class I couldn't miss from 10-11:15am. Yes. Tight packed. So Christmas photos were scheduled for Tuesday right after all of that! Because we were already going to be there doing family Christmas photos, why not go ahead and snap a few gender reveal photos as well? Because I have a plate full, let's keep adding scoops of mashed potatoes! You can't ever have enough of those! :-P So since we didn't know gender at that point, we just thought we'd go ahead and do both and use which ever one was right. As soon as I woke up Tuesday morning I knew I didn't have energy to survive the day! So I told Hubby T "At some point today, before pictures, I'm just going to call and see if they have results...because I don't have energy to do both things today and it'd just help narrow it down and ease the burden a lot!" He agreed. But that put him in a tough spot. He wanted to find out a cute way. I really didn't wanna find out over the phone but at this point, lack of energy won out for me. I was just gonna call. So while my Dr was looking for something, I called my OB office real quick (during my appointment from 10am-11:15a.m). "Do you have my test results" "I do!" I just started freaking out in my mind. At that point in time, I longed to hear girl. I imagined her saying it. Honestly, I blanked out. She mumbled something about test results and everything coming out negative. Perfect! I should be happy, but in that moment all I cared about was GIRL GIRL GIRL!!!!! Say it! Just say it!!!!! 4 simple letters! GIRL! Don't say boy.....PLEASE don't say boy! She said "Are you ready to find out gender?" I wanted to scream and say "YES! JUST TELL ME GIRL ALREADY!!!!" "YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE......" and she pauses. No joke! That felt like the longest 2 seconds of my life! "Boy" I'm pretty sure I blacked out! First of all, lets keep in mind I was trying to make it quick regardless. My Dr was done and waiting for me. Thankfully she was kind and understanding. I had asked if it was okay if I took a second to call. I honestly don't remember what I said. Something along the lines of "thank you so much!" In my head it was more like "This isn't real." I remember trying to fight the tears. Immediate tears. I laughed.  Normal M.O for me. Swallowed those tears and finished out the appointment. The appointment ran late, which in turn made us late for swim lessons. So after my appointment was done I rush downstairs. Hurry everyone to the car in a panic. (Because the two texts I sent hubby about pack it up, get ready...he never read) Rush to the YMCA. The whole time my mind is racing I feel numb and beat up all at the same time. I inform my husband in the car (with sunglasses on) that I know the gender. So, it would help us narrow down pictures and time and stress. But I made the decision his. Without saying it, I knew he didn't just want me to tell him. He didn't want me stressed and over burdened (which I'd done to myself) but I could tell he was torn. I gave him the option of finding out at the Gender Reveal or I could tell him before pictures. He made a guess it was a girl. Then said he didn't know. So we rushed into the YMCA, he ran off to get the boys changed while I finished parking, bringing in change of clothes and checking the boys in. At this point, I really wanted to go home and cry into my pillow. I knew it was mostly hormones. I'd been due for a good cry for awhile. But typical Hannah-Fashion, I'd be swallowing it for weeks. "HORMONES WILL NOT WIN!" (Psht...said no pregnant woman ever! :-P lol) Anyways, I finally get a chance to sit with Theo. We discuss the options. I could tell he wanted to know. He finally said he did, but he doesn't just want me to tell him. I asked what he wanted me to do between now and pictures to tell him? haha His response was "I dunno! Maybe you could snapchat me! Blank screen, then maybe the next screen is all blue or all pink." I thought that was dumb! haha! I then went off to think for a minute. I decided to snapchat him. For those who have snapchat...here's at it went: Blank Screen (8sec....each screen was 8sec), Selfie with "Are you ready to find out gender?", Picture of the side of a box (inside the YMCA) that had pink, blue and green handprints all over it "Pink or Blue, which will it be?", Selfie with "I don't think you're ready!!!!", Selfie with "Brace Yourself!!!!!", Black background with "It's A..........?!?!?!?!?!", Selfie with "I don't think you're ready!", Black background with "FOR THIS JELLY!!!!!!", Selfie with "Gotcha", Black background with a pink heart "Girl?", Black Background with blue heart "Boy?", Selfie with "Not telling you via Snapchat", Selfie with "Think of the time you just wasted!!!!!", Picture of parking lot and our car "Follow me to the answer", Picture of envelope "In here lies the answer" (YES! I KNOW THAT'S MISSPELLED, I just didn't realize it then) and then last picture is of the envelope lying in the glove compartment box with smiley faces! So inside the envelope I had written BOY in blue marker! So that is how Daddy found out he'd be the father of 3 boys! We were both honest to goodness shocked. But as my packed schedule would have it, no time for processing. On to the next thing. We were almost to the picture site by the time he'd viewed all the snapchats and read the envelope. Wow! Wow was what he said....with a few "Well here's some positive things about it." He knew I was a bit bummed. I swallowed those tears once more and continued on to our next activity. We decided not to tell the boys because we don't need them blurting it out at the Gender Reveal. So, we kept calm. We did do boy gender reveal pictures but the boys didn't even notice! We also told them that they weren't to tell anyone about the pictures period. "They're going to be a surprise! You can't tell anyone we got pictures done until we tell you, that it's okay!" They said "Okay!" And continued on their merry way. I have to say, they're pretty good at keeping secrets. After we got home from a crazy exhausting day, I find myself unable to fight tears any more. So I ran and hid in my room. I cried for a good 45 minutes! At least! I just needed my space to release these hormones and just all in all crash from the stress of the past few weeks!

Some of you are probably very confused by my response. I've made it very clear that I LOVE being a boy Mom. I would rather have all boys than all girls. I also made it clear that I would be happy with another boy. However, this doesn't mean I didn't hope for a girl. For the most part, I tried to keep those hopes buried deep. I remember being so livid that my second son C was a boy. I mean, I was straight up angry and convinced he was a girl, solely because I wanted him to be. This baby was different. This baby is a miracle. A baby we didn't think we'd have the chance of having. And not to mention, despite all the trauma my body's been through, a healthy baby with a healthy pregnancy thus far! Everything was going so well. However, when talking about names, they weren't flowing for us. Especially boy names. We seemed to be completely out of boy names. I was slightly panicked. But being that we'd decided on a girls name, I just thought "Well maybe that's God's way of telling us we don't need a boy name." And then as the weeks passed, it just felt more and more like a girl. I felt my feelings were validated once Theo said that he kinda felt it was a girl as well. Plus I thought "This could be our last one that we have biologically." So my hope for a girl was even stronger. Hopefully God would bless us with a little girl that looks like Daddy and Mommy! A girl who I didn't have to fight so hard to understand. A girl who, yes later on, would PMS and cause so much drama and tears. But a girl who I could relate to! Because facts are facts. I am a girl! And not that a girl would be into every girly thing I'm into, but there's no doubt that I would be able to communicate and understand exactly where she's coming from. Most people who know me, do not understand how much work being a Boy Mom is. It's straight up hard. I don't understand them! AT ALL!!!!! I've blogged about this before. I don't understand the way they communicate, interact...I mean, come on!!!!! Who considers pummeling each other into the ground constantly, a fun activity?! What are you thinking? And the amount of times I feel lonely in this house is...well, I've lost count. No one understands why I'm not entertained by 2 hours of straight up hardcore competition. Or why I don't wanna play bad guys for the umpteenth time today! Sometimes I feel straight up isolated. Like I'm the only one who understands me or wants to do what I wanna do! Daddy and the boys have a never ending supply of fun. I mean, those boys constantly communicate and bond. But to get my bonding in, It's a real honest to goodness effort. Mostly on my part, since the boys are still so young. I can only hope once they're older one of them might be like "Hey Mom! Wanna go for a pedicure?" And will just sit with me and not even be shy and get a pedicure himself. I mean, a girl can dream, right? Well, anyways.....all of this is to say, I am happy it's a boy! I'm sad it's a boy too. After I left my appointment yesterday on the way down the elevator, I had this honest to goodness wave of overwhelm and anxiety. This is never going to end for me. The non stop moving, the roughness, the constant need to stay on top of them like a drill Sargent to get them to learn that "Oh they're just boys!" isn't always a good excuse. The loneliness and isolation isn't going to end. At least not now! Then there was the anxiety of "What if we never have another one? Or now that I have 3, the chances of a 4th are even higher!" Then I had the brief moment of dread. "You were destined to be a Boy Mom" or "You make such a good boy mom, you're good at it!" or "Least you have everything you need!" All the responses. I knew I'd need a good two weeks to brace myself for all of them. Yes, I love being a Boy Mom because I have no choice. It is what it is. Yes, I'm good at it, because my children can't afford for me NOT to be! No! I don't have everything I need. I don't have anyone in this house who understands what it's like to get a freaking period every freaking month! Or anyone who remotely understands what it's like to deal with hormones. Lots and LOTS of hormones. I also feel so demeaned by the "You were destined to be a Boy Mom response." How bout I was just destined to be a Mom. I know, I know....boy moms are exceptional. I agree. You don't know what you're talking about until you've raised all boys! I get it! I'm also not at all envious of those who have to raise all girls. I mean, I still stand by I'd rather have all boys than all girls. But that doesn't mean I don't long for some company. And borrowing someone else's child just isn't the same. We're getting ready to move right after this baby arrives and boy! Get ready to feel even more lonely and isolated. Because the guys will all have each other...but this girl will be 100% lonely until we build up another support system in a different place. Ha! Most people don't even know what that's like. I've never been very good at being on my own.

All that being said, I'm very happy that we have a healthy baby boy! I'm very happy that I will know exactly what I'm doing while changing a diaper. Chances of me getting peed on? 0.999%!  (May I remind you all that by the time second Boy C came along, I did not get peed on one single time...I'm a straight up pro!) I'm very happy that I can cloth diaper while we're moving and traveling and I won't be worried about "Did I leave her diaper on too long? Will she get a yeast infection?" Nope! No worries there. Traveling with cloth diapers and a boy are gonna be a piece of cake! I'm also very happy because I won't have to worry about this one's well being. Another boy? Black eyes? Psht! No worries, boys live for that stuff! Verses a girl, I was already stressed about making sure the boys aren't too rough. My level of concern with another boy......greatly lowers this risk. (don't worry friends, I'm not putting new baby boy into the wrestling ring before 6mo...maybe at 6mo...KIDDING! ONLY KIDDING!!!!) Also another bonus, our next place, I have every single right to demand MY OWN BATHROOM. I'm PAST done sharing a bathroom with 3 boys! And make it 4? Yeah, I have every right to have my own bathroom and for that, I can NOT wait! Also, another bonus...guess who gets to make bathroom runs out in public? One hint, it ain't me! lol We're pretty open and honest with our children, but one thing I don't have to worry about, is explaining more intense details that to be honest, I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT! I don't even really have to talk about periods. That's kinda nice. (Til that one month that I'm overly hormonal and I wanna wallow with someone in self pity about stupid periods! ;-) ) I also feel, that since I've never been good at being alone, this is God's way of getting me to like myself a bit more. Not need the approval of other people so much. Learn that it's indeed okay, to just be me, by myself. And one last mega positive! God saw fit for us to have another boy! Period. HIS plan is perfect even if it brings tears temporarily. As much as I cried yesterday I also continued to thank God for a healthy baby no matter the gender. God also brought me a little gift. I started stressing after we found out it was a boy, because we had NO boy names on our list. At all! Well, thanks to a dear friend, it looks like we may have a name! Which is super exciting! Especially because now I don't have to worry about it. So that was an awesome gift that did make me feel a lot better. I still feel a bit numb and that it just seems so unreal. But, I have time. I just found out a little over 24hrs ago. And had less of that time to actually process it! Yes, I might cry when saying it's a boy for a bit. But please don't take that to mean I hate this baby or that I'm mad. I'm OKAY! I just need time to adjust. Time to find new hopes and dreams! Time to enjoy what God's been so gracious to give us! A miracle! A healthy miracle! Isn't that all that really matters?

In addition to all this, I would like to ask for people's understanding. If I cry when talking about it being a boy, don't worry! Hand me a tissue and tell me "I love you!" That's it! I don't need to beat myself up for crying any more than I already have. Don't tell me I make a great BOY Mom, just tell me I make a great mom. Period. Remind me that God has great plans and regardless HIS plans are always better than anything I could ever dream. So! Mud, wrestling, bad guys, here I come! For better or worse, I'm comin for ya! ;-)

Here's our life.....summed up in one picture.......

First Week Down

So we officially completed our first full week of Homeschooling! Phew! One day, many (MANY) more to go! We honestly did a lot more of easy stuff, review and just simply settling into a routine! The boys LOVE school! When I say LOVE, I mean, they beg for school. When they found out we don't do school on the weekends, you would've thought I took their favorite stuffed animal! I love their enthusiasm! Despite Theo being out of town all week, my work schedule, swim lessons, Christmas Musical Practice, dance class, and various other stressful things, I feel I held it together very well! I can't say that I didn't have a single frustration during schooling. Honestly, it's not hard to teach Kindergarten...but what is hard, is juggling two very different children who are on different learning levels at the same time! If I had more free time, I might consider schooling individually. This balancing act takes much practice and concentration on my part. Our typical school day runs about an hour long! Which is more than plenty of time of concentrated school time! The boys have taken very well to routine! I think we've missed that this summer. Our schedule has kinda been all over the place and even though they don't specifically know the days of the week/events...I'm surprised that they kinda guess just based off routine. I know every parents says their kids are smart. But I'm constantly surprised how much my children actually know. Oldest Son IB is particularly smart and inquisitive. He's already asked  how babies get here. I've shown him pictures of sperm and egg and I'm pretty sure he gets it. I find myself having to tell him things just because he's smart enough to know something is going on but maybe not exactly what. For example, we decided to tell them earlier on about the baby. At first I didn't want to. It day after day, it became more and more apparent that he knew I was "off" and something was going on. I don't really know how to explain in words how curious, inquisitive and observant he is. As soon as we told him about the baby, you could totally see his gears connecting dots! It made sense! He understood! I'm eager to teach them more! They're clearly eager to know more! Youngest (soon to be middle child) CH is doing very well. Last year he had a very hard time sitting still and paying attention. He very much struggles with being a bit more hyper active, but his focus is definitely there. He WANTS to know! He wants to learn! Back before I had children, working with Kindergartners were my favorite thing. Ages 4-6 are the best ages in my opinion. They're so curious about the world and starting to be old enough to grasp some of it. Their natural love for learning shows so clearly. I'm going to enjoy this school year! As challenging as it is, and believe me, it's not walk in the park. I will be grateful and blessed for homeschooling! This is just the first of many weeks to come!

For all of you who prayed for our school week, thank you! :-) I feel prayer is really what got me to hold up and last through it all! So thank you! :-)

Proverbs 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Gender Dilemma

So it's almost time for us to find out what gender Baby #3 is! It's an exciting time! My husband and I never wanted to be one of the couples to wait and find out. After all, both of our parents were that type of couple and we're over it! haha Both being older children (I'm the 1st or 4 in mine and he's the 2nd of 4 in his) we hated waiting to find out what our sibling were going to be!!!! "Can't you just tell us?! We need time to prepare! Am I gonna have to share a room with another person?" Yeah, we're over waiting! We wanna know NOW! haha This is not knocking those of you who like the surprise. Good for you! I don't understand it for the life of me, but you do you! hehe!

We will be finding out extra early with this baby due to a blood genetic test. The reason for getting the test was not to find out gender early. Though that's a serious bonus! Mostly we want to be prepared as far in advance if anything is wrong with the baby genetically. After what my body's been through with cancer and life after, we're just a little be unsure of the baby's health! Thus far everything seems to be good. But it's still very early. So the blood test will help relieve some of those concerns. So hooray for hopeful peace of mind and hooray for finding out gender WAY earlier than normal! "Find out before your 1st Trimester is up?! Whaaaaa?!"

Many people have asked me if I'm hoping for a girl. The simple answer is, no! Many people have asked me if I'll be upset if it's another boy ("After all, you have TWO boys already, you're probably tired of it!" Uhm...what?) The simple answer is, no! However, nothing is simple is it? So along with my simple answers, come complicated answers. For example, will I be upset if it's another boy? Absolutely not! Might I be temporarily disappointed for a minute upon finding out, possibly! Maybe even likely. Why? Because nothing is simple. Am I hoping for a girl? Kinda. Not praying for one. Honestly, I've just been praying for a healthy baby. And before the baby was even here, I was praying to even have a baby no matter the gender. That is all truth! I never once have prayed for a specific gender. Only for a happy healthy baby and a good pregnancy. That is my ultimate wish list!

I've been tossing around the idea of a gender reveal party. One thing kept bothering me though. What is my initial reaction going to be? And the more I thought about it, the more I realized, I would be slightly disappointed if it's not a girl. I believe this simple fact has confused some people. "Well why are you first saying you don't care, but in reality you do care?" Because it's complicated. That's why. Years ago when I was pregnant with Son C, I was very angry and emotionally distraught he wasn't a girl. I was determined to have a girl! I spent the rest of the pregnancy (about 20 weeks) and up until his first birthday being bitter of the fact that I now had TWO boys. I refuse to do that again!!!!! REFUSE! So as what started out as self preservation ("I will plan on the next one being a boy...so I don't get my hopes up.") soon turned into being so very content with what God gave me. Two healthy blessings! Boys, yes! I'm not even going to sugar coat it for you and tell you it's been easy. They're completely different creatures (refer to my previous Boy Mom Blog Post) and I'm not even pretending to understand them. Sometimes I'm VERY lonely in this house. No, I don't want to wrestle for the umpteenth time to day! I'm good! Won't anybody just paint nails with me?!?! Being a boy Mom has completely changed my life! It's different. Challenging and rewarding. Just because I feel lonely sometimes doesn't mean I wish I wasn't a boy Mom. Occasionally I've thought "Ya know, it'd be nice if I had a girl, who's hair I could play with. Or who might like to do girly things with me." People! This is fantasizing!!!!! Just because I occasionally think it'd be nice, doesn't mean I'm not grateful, happy or satisfied with my life! Plus, uh...since when is every girl girly just because they're a girl?!?! Come one! It's called day dreaming! For all the times I think it might be nice to have some day dream company, there are just as many times I'm glad I don't have it! After all, I don't really feel like dealing with PMSing teenagers! No thanks! I'm SO good without that! I hands down would rather have all boys than all girls! That's for sure a fact. But all that put together does not mean I don't want both or day dream about it.

As the gender reveal comes closer and closer my husband and I have decided that I will find out first. I will be able to read the results without judgement. Without possible criticisms of "Why aren't you jumping up and down for another boy?" "Would you have jumped up and down if it was a boy?" The fact of the matter is that this could be our last baby. Would I like to have both genders, to see what a girl of mine and my husband, would look like? Yes. Yes I would. Am I going to be distraught and bitter because it's not a girl? Absolutely 100% NOT! Maybe I'll find out it's a boy and simply just say "Oh, okay!" Because the fact of the matter is that I'm used to boys. Nothing new. Everyone's response will be "Well at least you have everything you need!" (Which, if you're reading this...I do NOT have everything I need. I got rid of all my baby clothes and a lot of my baby stuff!) Please don't let that be your response if it is a boy. Because part of the reason I want a girl is because it's new to us! Everyone will be excited and buy lots of things. The responses I got for our second son were painstakingly obnoxious. "Least you have everything you need!" Uhm, fyi people, the appropriate response when someone reveals gender is "CONGRATS!" That's it! Or "We're so excited for you!" Making a comment about material things isn't all that nice to receive. I know those who said things like that were very well meaning. But I've learned over time, to never say anything like that! It's not what people want to hear when they reveal gender. They want people to be excited and not undermine it in some way. Just like I will not appreciate comments like "I bet your glad you finally got a girl." Uhm, no! That demeans my life now and I have NO regrets about what God has given me.

So I know this post is a little all over the place and will probably offend a few people. I really didn't intend to offend anyone. This post is more about explaining my reactions to the gender we have. I WILL be happy with a boy or a girl! But there might be slight disappointment if we never get to experience the other gender. And just because in the past I may have made statements saying I love being a boy Mom. I'm happy to have all boys. I'd rather have all boys than all girls. That never for one second meant I would never like to have the other gender. I've entertained the thought! I've day dreamed just like everyone else.

I love the phrase "Pink or Blue, We love you!" Because no matter what, we love you sweet baby! And if you're a boy, it won't mean we'll love you any less because you're not a girl! And visa versa! :-)

How a REAL Homeschool Day Looks!

So remember that nice little previous blog post? Where I outlined how our homeschool day looked and how it was going to be? Well here's what really happened starting from when I got off work.


9am-Arrive at OB office
10:45am-Leave OB office
11am-Arrive at sitters to pick up kiddos
11:15am-Arrive home, realize my cell phone has low battery annnnnnd realize I left my only phone charger at work and Theo has taken all of his.
11:15am-11:30am-Quickly get kids to strip outta clothes (that came in contact with cats), shower them, change them into clean clothes
11:45am-Head back out the door to go back to work to get my cell charger
12:15pm-Swing in McDonalds...because with how the mornings gone, Mom has lost all energy and is feeling quite discouraged. So happy meals for all! Plus, bonus....when we get back home, straight to nap!
12:20pm-Get to work, run in, get charger, update front desk lady on baby and how I saw baby move etc
12:45pm-Arrive back home
12:46pm-NAP TIME!!!!!!!
1pm-4pm-NAPS ALL AROUND!!!!!!!
4:15pm-4:30pm-Snack time!
4:30pm-4:45pm-Start School! Pledge of Allegiance, Memorizing Bible Verse and Prayer
4:45pm-5:30pm-Schooling. We practiced counting, writing names, singing alphabet, working on Thank-You Cards, Shape cards and fun coloring and stamping time.
5:45pm-Finish cleaning up from school.....take a deep breath because I did it! Despite the hold ups, I managed to get it all done! Oh but wait...there's still dinner!
6pm-Start a dinner of Mac-N-Cheese with organic beef hot dogs (cause....come on....gotta have something that's not absolutely terrible for you!) and some mixed veggies!
6pm-7pm-Boys Skype with Grummy (My Mom)
7pm-Finally finished with dinner and boys sit down to eat.
7pm-7:30pm-I skype with my Mom
7:30pm-8pm-Time for 1 fun book, A few Bible verses (we're starting the story of Job) and prayer
8pm-This Momma crashes! Hardcore crashes! I realize I hadn't actually eaten yet. (not good!), I really should shower...but giving that up for the night. And I move to bed, relax with a bit of Mac-N-Cheese and Gilmore Girls and then promptly pass out!

And that my friends, is what a REAL homeschool day looks like! Full of "ooops" and "I can't believe I did that!" and "Can't I manage to make something healthier for my kids?" But ya know what? It's done! It's completely done! The day is over. And the important things were taken care of! Isn't that all that matters? Sure I could've done things differently! Like, not be pregnant, so that I had a thinking brain to not forget my phone charger for the 2nd time at work. Ha! Yeah, right! Much prefer having pregnancy brain for the sake of adding to our family! ;-)

Now, today is a new day! Time to tackle new problems and obstacles! For example, we have to school, before we head out the door for swim lessons! Because right after swim lessons are 3 Dentist appointments in a row! Watch this 1st Trimester Momma, juggle! In the words of Silento, "Watch me, watch me! Watch me whip!" :-P