2 Years? Really?

I find myself honestly being stunned to arrive at my 2 year Remission of Leukemia Anniversary! There are so many thoughts and emotions running through my head. I'm sure those pregnancy hormones don't help at this very moment. Cancer. *sigh* I feel I've talked myself silly on the subject. During, after, way after.....it's just. Cancer. It sucks. There's no better way of saying it. The actual chemo part was easy for me! So very easy. Oh sure, it had it's issues, naps, headaches, lack of eating. It's crazy that, that was the easy part. The year after cancer, however? Nightmare! Pure hell! Anger. Lots of anger. I've blogged about it previously. I needed a lot of help last year. Lots of friends who lent listening ears, a counselor, drugs, a supportive husband...the list goes on. It was hell for me. I'm sure for my husband as well. It was NOT easy! And then as of the beginning of 2015 I just stopped wanting to talk about it. I didn't want to acknowledge that it existed! Oh sure, if someone asked, I'd talk about it and sometimes I might mention it. But other than that, talking about cancer in general...I just didn't want any part of it. I was watching this TV show called "Chasing Life" It was about a girl who got Leukemia and her journey. The first year of healing (2014) I connected very much with the show though it made me cry often bringing back memories. However, this year? I couldn't watch it any more. I found myself feeling absolutely sick. Like I was going to throw up! Or I'd get irritated after watching the show and not know why. Eventually I realized, this year 2015, is my year of denial. I'm guessing it's going to take me about 5 years to go through all the stages of grief. Anger, Denial....I'm not sure what's next. We shall see! But for this year, yes, I'm very grateful to have survived it. I do, I really do, feel incredibly blessed to have had this experience. It's opened my eyes to not only cancer but other situations. Even myself as a person, I feel, has changed drastically. I'm not that same girl who got cancer. Sure, I have the same traits, and I definitely still look like her. (more healthy now though!) But my views and thinking, are just way different. I also know that God brought me through all that for a serious reason! I'm privileged he decided to keep me around. However, this year, I'm definitely feeling more survivors guilt. It makes me sad to know that others suffer worse than I did. And that I'm included in the cancer group, when in all honesty, my cancer was NOTHING in comparison to what others do. I just don't feel worthy! Why me? I find myself just more sad on this anniversary. On the verge of tears. And like I said, pregnancy hormones aren't helping. But that's another reason I feel guilty. 2 years of my Remission and I'm pregnant. I never thought that'd happen ever again! And it did! A miracle. A huge blessing! That I am so over the moon happy and grateful for. But again, why me? Why do I get this happiness? I dunno. I'm going to try and carry on my Anniversary date as normal. Tomorrow will be an emotional day. (November 4th is my official date) But I will still carry on like normal. Because there are so many others who don't get to live their lives normal or even at all! Cancer sucks life out of people and it's hard. So please be patient with me if I seem a bit off. I've got to mentally work through all this. *sigh* Cancer sucks!

He Waved To Me....

It's been a few days! I wanted to blog about this, the day it happened, but as life would have it I just couldn't get to it! So everything is not fresh in my mind like I wanted it to be, but the majority of my main points still stick! :-)

 I am completely in love with our little boy! We still have yet to reveal it to everyone. So I'm typing this and you all won't be reading it until later. haha It's been about a week and a half now that I've been able to sit on this information. I was straight up sad (as per my previous blog post) finding out it was another boy. And overwhelmed. All along though, I was still finding myself being grateful that the baby was healthy! That's really what matters. However, I did take about 2 days to stop being as sad. Which honestly, isn't that bad! haha!

So Monday, I went for an OB check up. I knew I'd be getting an ultra sound just to check the baby's heartbeat. I was pretty excited. Well, when we started the ultra sound, baby was SO much bigger than just 2 weeks ago when I saw him last. I was amazed!!!!!! He actually looked more like a little person! He was sucking on his hand and my heart started going all jumpy! I got tears in my eyes and just at that moment, he turned and waved to me. Just waved. 5 tiny little fingers. I could count each finger. I could see his eyes (well...more the space where they are) It wasn't a big wave. More, he stretched out all his fingers and did a slight wave. But even the Dr and nurse were like "Did he just wave?!" haha He totally did! I was elated. My baby! My sweet baby boy!!!!! I held in the tears. Laughed, as I normally do when I feel the need to cry, and got dressed and headed out the door. I happened to be listening to my Josh Groban CD before I went in. As soon as I turned on the car, his song You Are Loved, came on. I started bawling my eyes out! I had been sad that the baby wasn't a girl. In reality, I still hope and pray for a girl. BUT! I am now 100% in love with this little man! There are no doubts in my mind that I won't love him because he's another rambunctious, loud, fast moving little boy! Am I still overwhelmed? Oh yes! Very much so! But I'm so very happy and in love! God saw fit to bless with me with a miracle! And he's healthy and active and he loves me and I him! I cried all the way to pick up my other two little boys who have stolen my heart! Some people may say I'm wishy washy or can't make up my mind. Or that I'm ungrateful. The truth is, yes! I am! Because I'm human! I have feelings that I have to sort through. I just feel okay being open and honest about those feelings. I get judged quite frequently, but it's the price you pay of being honest. This miracle is precious to me! And even when I was sad, he was still precious to me. It's just that I had to adjust to a plan that wasn't really mine. haha! But now seeing my little monkey and watching him interact and even feeling him move occasionally, I'm so very much in love! I still get offended when people tell me I'm destined to be a boy Mom or that I make such a great Boy Mom, because I'm a great mom period. Regardless of having boys or not. And one day I really hope to be more than just a boy mom. But for now, this is where God wants me and I couldn't be happier. I still pray that one day we have that little girl that has my hair and looks like her Daddy. But for now? For today. I'm excited to meet my new little man and see who he looks most like! Maybe he'll even have red hair! A girl can dream! ;-) (For the record I have Irish in me and red hair, Hubby's Mother is a bright natural red head....I'm hopeful!)

Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy!

It's official! I'm going to have THREE boys! To be honest, shock is the word I can best describe my feelings. Shock and very overwhelmed. I know I've said I love being a Boy Mom. I really do! But I honest to goodness thought they'd tell me this one was a girl. Still doesn't feel real. You all will be reading this about two weeks after I found out. I'm writing this now and saving it as a draft to publish when it's revealed. I knew my chances for having another boy were high being that I already had two. And now that I have three, the chances of a girl are even lower. So, let me explain some of my emotions.

First off, lets back up to how I found out. Originally we knew we were getting the blood genetic test. The reason for the test was to find out if anything was wrong with the baby. Due to chemo, I was just really nervous about what possibly chemo, might have done to my eggs. The bonus of the test was that we'd find out gender before my first Trimester was up. So, I got it done on Monday, October 5, 2015. It was a simple blood draw...then they send your blood in for a lab to run all kinds of tests. I'm not sure what all this genetic screening covered. I plan on asking at my check-up on Monday what we can rule out genetic wise. Anyways, they told me it could take up to two weeks. Bummer. The original plan (when I thought the test would only take like 3 days) was for me to go get an envelope with the answer from the Dr's office, then go shopping with my little family! Pick out a boy and girl outfit and have the cashier wrap up which outfit is correct while we left the store for a bit. We'd come back, pay for the outfit and walk away with a wrapped gift. I did not want to find out over the phone! Then Hubby T got orders to be out of town that week. Okay. Military life. What are ya gonna do? So we stuck to the original plan and just planned on skyping Daddy from the store and then we'd go home and unwrap while skyping at home. The 4 of us. Cute plan right? Well, then they told me the test would take 2 weeks. Ugh! Okay, no biggie! After thinking and talking about it, I decided to do a gender reveal party. I've never done one. This baby is a miracle, so why not? So I immediately set about planning a gender reveal. I set the party date for a couple days past 2 weeks from the test. Thursday, October 22, 2015 is the gender reveal. I should find out gender no later than Monday, October 19th. Plus I have a check up scheduled for that day, so perfect. Once date is set I then proceed to plan the party. After thinking about it and discussing it with Hubby T, we decide that I'm going to find out gender. Just me. That way I could process it myself and not be subject to people's judgments and criticism over my reaction. I knew ahead of time I'd need my space if it was another boy. Which I will explain more of later. So fast forward through that week. Husband comes home late Monday afternoon. I set up last minute our Christmas Photo sessions. We always get family photos done in October. The natural scenery is just too perfect to pass up. We needed to get them done ASAP because the weather is changing quite fast. And between Husband's work schedule and class schedule...we just needed to do it as soon as possible. So, that meant Tuesday. Oh good! Cause I didn't have enough planned. Every Tuesday the boys have swim lessons from 11:30am-12pm. And two weeks before I'd scheduled a much needed class I couldn't miss from 10-11:15am. Yes. Tight packed. So Christmas photos were scheduled for Tuesday right after all of that! Because we were already going to be there doing family Christmas photos, why not go ahead and snap a few gender reveal photos as well? Because I have a plate full, let's keep adding scoops of mashed potatoes! You can't ever have enough of those! :-P So since we didn't know gender at that point, we just thought we'd go ahead and do both and use which ever one was right. As soon as I woke up Tuesday morning I knew I didn't have energy to survive the day! So I told Hubby T "At some point today, before pictures, I'm just going to call and see if they have results...because I don't have energy to do both things today and it'd just help narrow it down and ease the burden a lot!" He agreed. But that put him in a tough spot. He wanted to find out a cute way. I really didn't wanna find out over the phone but at this point, lack of energy won out for me. I was just gonna call. So while my Dr was looking for something, I called my OB office real quick (during my appointment from 10am-11:15a.m). "Do you have my test results" "I do!" I just started freaking out in my mind. At that point in time, I longed to hear girl. I imagined her saying it. Honestly, I blanked out. She mumbled something about test results and everything coming out negative. Perfect! I should be happy, but in that moment all I cared about was GIRL GIRL GIRL!!!!! Say it! Just say it!!!!! 4 simple letters! GIRL! Don't say boy.....PLEASE don't say boy! She said "Are you ready to find out gender?" I wanted to scream and say "YES! JUST TELL ME GIRL ALREADY!!!!" "YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE......" and she pauses. No joke! That felt like the longest 2 seconds of my life! "Boy" I'm pretty sure I blacked out! First of all, lets keep in mind I was trying to make it quick regardless. My Dr was done and waiting for me. Thankfully she was kind and understanding. I had asked if it was okay if I took a second to call. I honestly don't remember what I said. Something along the lines of "thank you so much!" In my head it was more like "This isn't real." I remember trying to fight the tears. Immediate tears. I laughed.  Normal M.O for me. Swallowed those tears and finished out the appointment. The appointment ran late, which in turn made us late for swim lessons. So after my appointment was done I rush downstairs. Hurry everyone to the car in a panic. (Because the two texts I sent hubby about pack it up, get ready...he never read) Rush to the YMCA. The whole time my mind is racing I feel numb and beat up all at the same time. I inform my husband in the car (with sunglasses on) that I know the gender. So, it would help us narrow down pictures and time and stress. But I made the decision his. Without saying it, I knew he didn't just want me to tell him. He didn't want me stressed and over burdened (which I'd done to myself) but I could tell he was torn. I gave him the option of finding out at the Gender Reveal or I could tell him before pictures. He made a guess it was a girl. Then said he didn't know. So we rushed into the YMCA, he ran off to get the boys changed while I finished parking, bringing in change of clothes and checking the boys in. At this point, I really wanted to go home and cry into my pillow. I knew it was mostly hormones. I'd been due for a good cry for awhile. But typical Hannah-Fashion, I'd be swallowing it for weeks. "HORMONES WILL NOT WIN!" (Psht...said no pregnant woman ever! :-P lol) Anyways, I finally get a chance to sit with Theo. We discuss the options. I could tell he wanted to know. He finally said he did, but he doesn't just want me to tell him. I asked what he wanted me to do between now and pictures to tell him? haha His response was "I dunno! Maybe you could snapchat me! Blank screen, then maybe the next screen is all blue or all pink." I thought that was dumb! haha! I then went off to think for a minute. I decided to snapchat him. For those who have snapchat...here's at it went: Blank Screen (8sec....each screen was 8sec), Selfie with "Are you ready to find out gender?", Picture of the side of a box (inside the YMCA) that had pink, blue and green handprints all over it "Pink or Blue, which will it be?", Selfie with "I don't think you're ready!!!!", Selfie with "Brace Yourself!!!!!", Black background with "It's A..........?!?!?!?!?!", Selfie with "I don't think you're ready!", Black background with "FOR THIS JELLY!!!!!!", Selfie with "Gotcha", Black background with a pink heart "Girl?", Black Background with blue heart "Boy?", Selfie with "Not telling you via Snapchat", Selfie with "Think of the time you just wasted!!!!!", Picture of parking lot and our car "Follow me to the answer", Picture of envelope "In here lies the answer" (YES! I KNOW THAT'S MISSPELLED, I just didn't realize it then) and then last picture is of the envelope lying in the glove compartment box with smiley faces! So inside the envelope I had written BOY in blue marker! So that is how Daddy found out he'd be the father of 3 boys! We were both honest to goodness shocked. But as my packed schedule would have it, no time for processing. On to the next thing. We were almost to the picture site by the time he'd viewed all the snapchats and read the envelope. Wow! Wow was what he said....with a few "Well here's some positive things about it." He knew I was a bit bummed. I swallowed those tears once more and continued on to our next activity. We decided not to tell the boys because we don't need them blurting it out at the Gender Reveal. So, we kept calm. We did do boy gender reveal pictures but the boys didn't even notice! We also told them that they weren't to tell anyone about the pictures period. "They're going to be a surprise! You can't tell anyone we got pictures done until we tell you, that it's okay!" They said "Okay!" And continued on their merry way. I have to say, they're pretty good at keeping secrets. After we got home from a crazy exhausting day, I find myself unable to fight tears any more. So I ran and hid in my room. I cried for a good 45 minutes! At least! I just needed my space to release these hormones and just all in all crash from the stress of the past few weeks!

Some of you are probably very confused by my response. I've made it very clear that I LOVE being a boy Mom. I would rather have all boys than all girls. I also made it clear that I would be happy with another boy. However, this doesn't mean I didn't hope for a girl. For the most part, I tried to keep those hopes buried deep. I remember being so livid that my second son C was a boy. I mean, I was straight up angry and convinced he was a girl, solely because I wanted him to be. This baby was different. This baby is a miracle. A baby we didn't think we'd have the chance of having. And not to mention, despite all the trauma my body's been through, a healthy baby with a healthy pregnancy thus far! Everything was going so well. However, when talking about names, they weren't flowing for us. Especially boy names. We seemed to be completely out of boy names. I was slightly panicked. But being that we'd decided on a girls name, I just thought "Well maybe that's God's way of telling us we don't need a boy name." And then as the weeks passed, it just felt more and more like a girl. I felt my feelings were validated once Theo said that he kinda felt it was a girl as well. Plus I thought "This could be our last one that we have biologically." So my hope for a girl was even stronger. Hopefully God would bless us with a little girl that looks like Daddy and Mommy! A girl who I didn't have to fight so hard to understand. A girl who, yes later on, would PMS and cause so much drama and tears. But a girl who I could relate to! Because facts are facts. I am a girl! And not that a girl would be into every girly thing I'm into, but there's no doubt that I would be able to communicate and understand exactly where she's coming from. Most people who know me, do not understand how much work being a Boy Mom is. It's straight up hard. I don't understand them! AT ALL!!!!! I've blogged about this before. I don't understand the way they communicate, interact...I mean, come on!!!!! Who considers pummeling each other into the ground constantly, a fun activity?! What are you thinking? And the amount of times I feel lonely in this house is...well, I've lost count. No one understands why I'm not entertained by 2 hours of straight up hardcore competition. Or why I don't wanna play bad guys for the umpteenth time today! Sometimes I feel straight up isolated. Like I'm the only one who understands me or wants to do what I wanna do! Daddy and the boys have a never ending supply of fun. I mean, those boys constantly communicate and bond. But to get my bonding in, It's a real honest to goodness effort. Mostly on my part, since the boys are still so young. I can only hope once they're older one of them might be like "Hey Mom! Wanna go for a pedicure?" And will just sit with me and not even be shy and get a pedicure himself. I mean, a girl can dream, right? Well, anyways.....all of this is to say, I am happy it's a boy! I'm sad it's a boy too. After I left my appointment yesterday on the way down the elevator, I had this honest to goodness wave of overwhelm and anxiety. This is never going to end for me. The non stop moving, the roughness, the constant need to stay on top of them like a drill Sargent to get them to learn that "Oh they're just boys!" isn't always a good excuse. The loneliness and isolation isn't going to end. At least not now! Then there was the anxiety of "What if we never have another one? Or now that I have 3, the chances of a 4th are even higher!" Then I had the brief moment of dread. "You were destined to be a Boy Mom" or "You make such a good boy mom, you're good at it!" or "Least you have everything you need!" All the responses. I knew I'd need a good two weeks to brace myself for all of them. Yes, I love being a Boy Mom because I have no choice. It is what it is. Yes, I'm good at it, because my children can't afford for me NOT to be! No! I don't have everything I need. I don't have anyone in this house who understands what it's like to get a freaking period every freaking month! Or anyone who remotely understands what it's like to deal with hormones. Lots and LOTS of hormones. I also feel so demeaned by the "You were destined to be a Boy Mom response." How bout I was just destined to be a Mom. I know, I know....boy moms are exceptional. I agree. You don't know what you're talking about until you've raised all boys! I get it! I'm also not at all envious of those who have to raise all girls. I mean, I still stand by I'd rather have all boys than all girls. But that doesn't mean I don't long for some company. And borrowing someone else's child just isn't the same. We're getting ready to move right after this baby arrives and boy! Get ready to feel even more lonely and isolated. Because the guys will all have each other...but this girl will be 100% lonely until we build up another support system in a different place. Ha! Most people don't even know what that's like. I've never been very good at being on my own.

All that being said, I'm very happy that we have a healthy baby boy! I'm very happy that I will know exactly what I'm doing while changing a diaper. Chances of me getting peed on? 0.999%!  (May I remind you all that by the time second Boy C came along, I did not get peed on one single time...I'm a straight up pro!) I'm very happy that I can cloth diaper while we're moving and traveling and I won't be worried about "Did I leave her diaper on too long? Will she get a yeast infection?" Nope! No worries there. Traveling with cloth diapers and a boy are gonna be a piece of cake! I'm also very happy because I won't have to worry about this one's well being. Another boy? Black eyes? Psht! No worries, boys live for that stuff! Verses a girl, I was already stressed about making sure the boys aren't too rough. My level of concern with another boy......greatly lowers this risk. (don't worry friends, I'm not putting new baby boy into the wrestling ring before 6mo...maybe at 6mo...KIDDING! ONLY KIDDING!!!!) Also another bonus, our next place, I have every single right to demand MY OWN BATHROOM. I'm PAST done sharing a bathroom with 3 boys! And make it 4? Yeah, I have every right to have my own bathroom and for that, I can NOT wait! Also, another bonus...guess who gets to make bathroom runs out in public? One hint, it ain't me! lol We're pretty open and honest with our children, but one thing I don't have to worry about, is explaining more intense details that to be honest, I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT! I don't even really have to talk about periods. That's kinda nice. (Til that one month that I'm overly hormonal and I wanna wallow with someone in self pity about stupid periods! ;-) ) I also feel, that since I've never been good at being alone, this is God's way of getting me to like myself a bit more. Not need the approval of other people so much. Learn that it's indeed okay, to just be me, by myself. And one last mega positive! God saw fit for us to have another boy! Period. HIS plan is perfect even if it brings tears temporarily. As much as I cried yesterday I also continued to thank God for a healthy baby no matter the gender. God also brought me a little gift. I started stressing after we found out it was a boy, because we had NO boy names on our list. At all! Well, thanks to a dear friend, it looks like we may have a name! Which is super exciting! Especially because now I don't have to worry about it. So that was an awesome gift that did make me feel a lot better. I still feel a bit numb and that it just seems so unreal. But, I have time. I just found out a little over 24hrs ago. And had less of that time to actually process it! Yes, I might cry when saying it's a boy for a bit. But please don't take that to mean I hate this baby or that I'm mad. I'm OKAY! I just need time to adjust. Time to find new hopes and dreams! Time to enjoy what God's been so gracious to give us! A miracle! A healthy miracle! Isn't that all that really matters?

In addition to all this, I would like to ask for people's understanding. If I cry when talking about it being a boy, don't worry! Hand me a tissue and tell me "I love you!" That's it! I don't need to beat myself up for crying any more than I already have. Don't tell me I make a great BOY Mom, just tell me I make a great mom. Period. Remind me that God has great plans and regardless HIS plans are always better than anything I could ever dream. So! Mud, wrestling, bad guys, here I come! For better or worse, I'm comin for ya! ;-)

Here's our life.....summed up in one picture.......

First Week Down

So we officially completed our first full week of Homeschooling! Phew! One day, many (MANY) more to go! We honestly did a lot more of easy stuff, review and just simply settling into a routine! The boys LOVE school! When I say LOVE, I mean, they beg for school. When they found out we don't do school on the weekends, you would've thought I took their favorite stuffed animal! I love their enthusiasm! Despite Theo being out of town all week, my work schedule, swim lessons, Christmas Musical Practice, dance class, and various other stressful things, I feel I held it together very well! I can't say that I didn't have a single frustration during schooling. Honestly, it's not hard to teach Kindergarten...but what is hard, is juggling two very different children who are on different learning levels at the same time! If I had more free time, I might consider schooling individually. This balancing act takes much practice and concentration on my part. Our typical school day runs about an hour long! Which is more than plenty of time of concentrated school time! The boys have taken very well to routine! I think we've missed that this summer. Our schedule has kinda been all over the place and even though they don't specifically know the days of the week/events...I'm surprised that they kinda guess just based off routine. I know every parents says their kids are smart. But I'm constantly surprised how much my children actually know. Oldest Son IB is particularly smart and inquisitive. He's already asked  how babies get here. I've shown him pictures of sperm and egg and I'm pretty sure he gets it. I find myself having to tell him things just because he's smart enough to know something is going on but maybe not exactly what. For example, we decided to tell them earlier on about the baby. At first I didn't want to. It day after day, it became more and more apparent that he knew I was "off" and something was going on. I don't really know how to explain in words how curious, inquisitive and observant he is. As soon as we told him about the baby, you could totally see his gears connecting dots! It made sense! He understood! I'm eager to teach them more! They're clearly eager to know more! Youngest (soon to be middle child) CH is doing very well. Last year he had a very hard time sitting still and paying attention. He very much struggles with being a bit more hyper active, but his focus is definitely there. He WANTS to know! He wants to learn! Back before I had children, working with Kindergartners were my favorite thing. Ages 4-6 are the best ages in my opinion. They're so curious about the world and starting to be old enough to grasp some of it. Their natural love for learning shows so clearly. I'm going to enjoy this school year! As challenging as it is, and believe me, it's not walk in the park. I will be grateful and blessed for homeschooling! This is just the first of many weeks to come!

For all of you who prayed for our school week, thank you! :-) I feel prayer is really what got me to hold up and last through it all! So thank you! :-)

Proverbs 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Gender Dilemma

So it's almost time for us to find out what gender Baby #3 is! It's an exciting time! My husband and I never wanted to be one of the couples to wait and find out. After all, both of our parents were that type of couple and we're over it! haha Both being older children (I'm the 1st or 4 in mine and he's the 2nd of 4 in his) we hated waiting to find out what our sibling were going to be!!!! "Can't you just tell us?! We need time to prepare! Am I gonna have to share a room with another person?" Yeah, we're over waiting! We wanna know NOW! haha This is not knocking those of you who like the surprise. Good for you! I don't understand it for the life of me, but you do you! hehe!

We will be finding out extra early with this baby due to a blood genetic test. The reason for getting the test was not to find out gender early. Though that's a serious bonus! Mostly we want to be prepared as far in advance if anything is wrong with the baby genetically. After what my body's been through with cancer and life after, we're just a little be unsure of the baby's health! Thus far everything seems to be good. But it's still very early. So the blood test will help relieve some of those concerns. So hooray for hopeful peace of mind and hooray for finding out gender WAY earlier than normal! "Find out before your 1st Trimester is up?! Whaaaaa?!"

Many people have asked me if I'm hoping for a girl. The simple answer is, no! Many people have asked me if I'll be upset if it's another boy ("After all, you have TWO boys already, you're probably tired of it!" Uhm...what?) The simple answer is, no! However, nothing is simple is it? So along with my simple answers, come complicated answers. For example, will I be upset if it's another boy? Absolutely not! Might I be temporarily disappointed for a minute upon finding out, possibly! Maybe even likely. Why? Because nothing is simple. Am I hoping for a girl? Kinda. Not praying for one. Honestly, I've just been praying for a healthy baby. And before the baby was even here, I was praying to even have a baby no matter the gender. That is all truth! I never once have prayed for a specific gender. Only for a happy healthy baby and a good pregnancy. That is my ultimate wish list!

I've been tossing around the idea of a gender reveal party. One thing kept bothering me though. What is my initial reaction going to be? And the more I thought about it, the more I realized, I would be slightly disappointed if it's not a girl. I believe this simple fact has confused some people. "Well why are you first saying you don't care, but in reality you do care?" Because it's complicated. That's why. Years ago when I was pregnant with Son C, I was very angry and emotionally distraught he wasn't a girl. I was determined to have a girl! I spent the rest of the pregnancy (about 20 weeks) and up until his first birthday being bitter of the fact that I now had TWO boys. I refuse to do that again!!!!! REFUSE! So as what started out as self preservation ("I will plan on the next one being a boy...so I don't get my hopes up.") soon turned into being so very content with what God gave me. Two healthy blessings! Boys, yes! I'm not even going to sugar coat it for you and tell you it's been easy. They're completely different creatures (refer to my previous Boy Mom Blog Post) and I'm not even pretending to understand them. Sometimes I'm VERY lonely in this house. No, I don't want to wrestle for the umpteenth time to day! I'm good! Won't anybody just paint nails with me?!?! Being a boy Mom has completely changed my life! It's different. Challenging and rewarding. Just because I feel lonely sometimes doesn't mean I wish I wasn't a boy Mom. Occasionally I've thought "Ya know, it'd be nice if I had a girl, who's hair I could play with. Or who might like to do girly things with me." People! This is fantasizing!!!!! Just because I occasionally think it'd be nice, doesn't mean I'm not grateful, happy or satisfied with my life! Plus, uh...since when is every girl girly just because they're a girl?!?! Come one! It's called day dreaming! For all the times I think it might be nice to have some day dream company, there are just as many times I'm glad I don't have it! After all, I don't really feel like dealing with PMSing teenagers! No thanks! I'm SO good without that! I hands down would rather have all boys than all girls! That's for sure a fact. But all that put together does not mean I don't want both or day dream about it.

As the gender reveal comes closer and closer my husband and I have decided that I will find out first. I will be able to read the results without judgement. Without possible criticisms of "Why aren't you jumping up and down for another boy?" "Would you have jumped up and down if it was a boy?" The fact of the matter is that this could be our last baby. Would I like to have both genders, to see what a girl of mine and my husband, would look like? Yes. Yes I would. Am I going to be distraught and bitter because it's not a girl? Absolutely 100% NOT! Maybe I'll find out it's a boy and simply just say "Oh, okay!" Because the fact of the matter is that I'm used to boys. Nothing new. Everyone's response will be "Well at least you have everything you need!" (Which, if you're reading this...I do NOT have everything I need. I got rid of all my baby clothes and a lot of my baby stuff!) Please don't let that be your response if it is a boy. Because part of the reason I want a girl is because it's new to us! Everyone will be excited and buy lots of things. The responses I got for our second son were painstakingly obnoxious. "Least you have everything you need!" Uhm, fyi people, the appropriate response when someone reveals gender is "CONGRATS!" That's it! Or "We're so excited for you!" Making a comment about material things isn't all that nice to receive. I know those who said things like that were very well meaning. But I've learned over time, to never say anything like that! It's not what people want to hear when they reveal gender. They want people to be excited and not undermine it in some way. Just like I will not appreciate comments like "I bet your glad you finally got a girl." Uhm, no! That demeans my life now and I have NO regrets about what God has given me.

So I know this post is a little all over the place and will probably offend a few people. I really didn't intend to offend anyone. This post is more about explaining my reactions to the gender we have. I WILL be happy with a boy or a girl! But there might be slight disappointment if we never get to experience the other gender. And just because in the past I may have made statements saying I love being a boy Mom. I'm happy to have all boys. I'd rather have all boys than all girls. That never for one second meant I would never like to have the other gender. I've entertained the thought! I've day dreamed just like everyone else.

I love the phrase "Pink or Blue, We love you!" Because no matter what, we love you sweet baby! And if you're a boy, it won't mean we'll love you any less because you're not a girl! And visa versa! :-)

How a REAL Homeschool Day Looks!

So remember that nice little previous blog post? Where I outlined how our homeschool day looked and how it was going to be? Well here's what really happened starting from when I got off work.


9am-Arrive at OB office
10:45am-Leave OB office
11am-Arrive at sitters to pick up kiddos
11:15am-Arrive home, realize my cell phone has low battery annnnnnd realize I left my only phone charger at work and Theo has taken all of his.
11:15am-11:30am-Quickly get kids to strip outta clothes (that came in contact with cats), shower them, change them into clean clothes
11:45am-Head back out the door to go back to work to get my cell charger
12:15pm-Swing in McDonalds...because with how the mornings gone, Mom has lost all energy and is feeling quite discouraged. So happy meals for all! Plus, bonus....when we get back home, straight to nap!
12:20pm-Get to work, run in, get charger, update front desk lady on baby and how I saw baby move etc
12:45pm-Arrive back home
12:46pm-NAP TIME!!!!!!!
1pm-4pm-NAPS ALL AROUND!!!!!!!
4:15pm-4:30pm-Snack time!
4:30pm-4:45pm-Start School! Pledge of Allegiance, Memorizing Bible Verse and Prayer
4:45pm-5:30pm-Schooling. We practiced counting, writing names, singing alphabet, working on Thank-You Cards, Shape cards and fun coloring and stamping time.
5:45pm-Finish cleaning up from school.....take a deep breath because I did it! Despite the hold ups, I managed to get it all done! Oh but wait...there's still dinner!
6pm-Start a dinner of Mac-N-Cheese with organic beef hot dogs (cause....come on....gotta have something that's not absolutely terrible for you!) and some mixed veggies!
6pm-7pm-Boys Skype with Grummy (My Mom)
7pm-Finally finished with dinner and boys sit down to eat.
7pm-7:30pm-I skype with my Mom
7:30pm-8pm-Time for 1 fun book, A few Bible verses (we're starting the story of Job) and prayer
8pm-This Momma crashes! Hardcore crashes! I realize I hadn't actually eaten yet. (not good!), I really should shower...but giving that up for the night. And I move to bed, relax with a bit of Mac-N-Cheese and Gilmore Girls and then promptly pass out!

And that my friends, is what a REAL homeschool day looks like! Full of "ooops" and "I can't believe I did that!" and "Can't I manage to make something healthier for my kids?" But ya know what? It's done! It's completely done! The day is over. And the important things were taken care of! Isn't that all that matters? Sure I could've done things differently! Like, not be pregnant, so that I had a thinking brain to not forget my phone charger for the 2nd time at work. Ha! Yeah, right! Much prefer having pregnancy brain for the sake of adding to our family! ;-)

Now, today is a new day! Time to tackle new problems and obstacles! For example, we have to school, before we head out the door for swim lessons! Because right after swim lessons are 3 Dentist appointments in a row! Watch this 1st Trimester Momma, juggle! In the words of Silento, "Watch me, watch me! Watch me whip!" :-P

What Does a Homeschool Day Look Like?

So recently I've been getting a lot of questions about homeschooling. Questions about why we chose to do it, how we would do it, how on earth did I have the patience etc! So I thought I would blog what our planned first day of school is going to look like! I will continue to share our homeschooling experiences. For example, this is the planned day for TOMORROW! Goodness knows anything can happen between now and then! And we all know how often plans go awry! So, here is my perfect little plan! ;-)

8pm Sunday Night-Take boys to spend the night at their babysitters
3:30a.m.- Hannah wakes up, get's dressed, prepares for work
3:55a.m.- Hannah in car on the way to work. Maybe making time to stop off for coffee!
4:15a.m.- Hannah unlocks YMCA and sets about all her Manager on Duty, duties! ;-)
9:00am- Hannah leaves work to head to OB appointment.
9:20am- Hannah's OB appointment where they will draw tons of blood and hopefully I'll either see or hear our sweet babies heartbeat! :-)
Apx 10:30am- Arrive at sitters to pick boys up! (Favorite part of the day is getting to see them and have them run to me!)
11:00am- Home, settled in, changed and ready for school
11:05am- Stand in front of Flag in school room. Recite Pledge of Allegiance, Pray, memorize weekly Bible verse
11:10am- Sit down to our new homeschool "desks"

11:10am-11:45am-Schedule goes as follows per child

       Isaiah-Catechisms, write name using only visual aid, review counting, review colors, review shapes, sing alphabet, work on simple addition and do some fun coloring and stamping with their new Ninja Turtle Kit. 

       Collin-Catechisms, write name using visual aid only, count to 15 with Mom, color thank you cards for a birthday party that was almost a month ago, do some fun coloring and stamping with new Ninja Turtle Kit. 

12pm-Lunch time promptly followed by nap time! 

So that is what our morning is looking like! I had to share with you all my excitement!  I also have a few more pictures to share! 

Because Baby bump and desk view! ;-) 

Because not everyone wants to see baby bump and desk views! 

At the very end of the day, the last thing we will do, read one fun book, scripture and pray! And then I will kiss those precious faces and send them to bed! I had to take this picture because it made me giggle how closely C needed to sit to his Dad while listening to the Bible! 

And with that friends, this Momma is off to bed! Long day ahead of me, if you couldn't tell! ;-) 

My Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that you bless our upcoming school year! I pray that you give me much grace, patience and wisdom when it comes to raising my children. It's not easy and I know there will be some stumbles and flat out regrets. But I pray that you use me to guide these young souls closer to YOU. If anything, help me to continuing hiding YOUR Word in their hearts! I pray that this school year they will grow in spirituality and knowledge! Thank you for allowing me the privilege to stay at home with them and the wisdom and ability to listen when I felt YOU calling me to this life. Thank you for a husband who fully 100% supports it and is even willing to help teach when he can! In your precious wonderful name! 

Amen! 

Convictions

Before I start this blog post I want to give a disclaimer! This post is about ME! Specifically me! I'm not talking about anyone else. It's about me and my personal deep convictions through Christ and the Bible. This post is NOT to start an argument and it is NOT a way of  trying to get someone to prove me wrong or praise me. This post is not about getting praise. It's about sharing with you all my convictions! Being real. That's all! :-)


Now that's out of the way! ;-) Lately God's really been convicting my heart! My life has been going amazing as of the past 2 months. I mean, everything's pretty much just flowed easily and I haven't had any REAL struggles. I mean, for me, I was kinda surprised. Like, almost holding my breath waiting for the bad to happen. Over the past 2 years it's just felt like one thing after another for me personally. Health. Mental. Even spiritual. I'd start to pick myself back up and get knocked down again. When I reflect on my life and my attitude over the past 2 years, shame is mostly what I feel. Some of you may be surprised to find this out. But, I truly feel shameful. Why? Well, I've acted childish to say the least. For most of my life people have praised me on my positive attitude! My ability to always smile and be happy. In fact it's a huge reason my husband married me. (among other things of course! lol)  As a teen, I never got into trouble. The worst I can say I did was have 2 whole drinks before the age of 21. I waited to have sex before marriage. I waited to be serious with dating until I found someone worth it. I got married, started a family. Everything was great. Flowing smoothly. My faith in God was strong. I had Christian supportive friends and family. Really....life was perfect. If I could think of any life I'd want...I had it. Then came life after having my second child. Postpartum depression. Add in a crying baby that cried NON STOP for the first year of his life. Well, you don't have a lovely picture. That nice life, seems a bit tainted now. Finally we broke through that. I got off anti depressants, felt more myself, got my son allergy tested, got him on the right track...life was looking up! I started working out. Loosing weight and feeling great, positive, motivated and strong in my faith. Then came cancer. It was a bit of a blow. I mean, I was within days of death when a friend finally MADE me go to the hospital. But, again, I still remained pretty positive. Because after all, I could have an incurable cancer and only have days to say goodbye to everyone I cared about. I also was blessed enough to find out while back home with family/friends and unlimited support. Dr's had a plan of action and the most I had to do was sit there and take it. Not saying that was easy. But again. It was easy to have strong faith in God. I wasn't going to die and leave my children (at not even 2 years old and barely 3 years old) motherless. I had support and help! And seriously, what did I have to be stressed about? My husband was the one who almost lost a wife, who now had to juggle hospital trips, doctors appointments, children and work. Plus all the other added stresses. (exp: Where are we going to live for the next 6 months?) I mean, for real. I had it easy. Physically I felt not great. But mentally.....I was good to go. Then....Oh then came life after cancer. No one warns you that the real fight begins AFTER cancer. No one bothered to warn me that my life was going to be so overwhelming to jump back into. Because, honestly, it didn't matter! I was "healed" and should be grateful because so many other cancer patients aren't as fortunate.

The following year after cancer was pure hell for me. As I'm sure anyone can imagine it wasn't easy. There were two huge elements that played a roll in the difficulty. The first being the obvious, the physical. Physically my body was poisoned from chemo. Yes of course the chemo killed my cancer. But as poison does, it also killed everything good. So I struggled with weight, blood sugars, hormones, depression, headaches and exhaustion. So physically I was stuck with an unhealthy body that I had to try and get back into some kinda good health. The second thing was my life. For 6 months I was laid up going through treatment. I remember sleeping through whole days at a time. But after cancer? There was none of that. I got my children back. We went back home to Michigan. I was handed my whole life back and didn't exactly know what to do with it. I didn't really know my children any more. They'd spent the whole summer at their grandparents house. I'd seen them off and on. But even when I saw them, it was between headaches and naps. I was given two children who had grown, matured and changed. I hadn't been a mother for 6 months and here they were handed back to me like "Here ya go! They're yours again!" At first I was completely overjoyed. I'd missed them. I'd missed our life. Our house. Our neighbors. Our friends. What we had before I was sick. Heck! When we came back home I cried at the sight of my bed. Imagine being so sick and not sleeping in your own bed! Oie! Not fun! All of this is to say, it was mega MEGA hard.

Looking back, I see so much better now, how horrible my attitude was. I was straight up angry at God. My faith lacked severely. It's not that I didn't believe in HIM any more. Or that I didn't think HE was real. Oh! I thought HE was real alright! Real enough to screw up my life! Why? Why did HE choose to do that to me?!?! What had I EVER done to HIM? I was so angry. Going from being someone who was always positive and happy to a very angry bitter person caught me way off guard. At first, I didn't even know what to do with myself. I just completely shut down. What do you say? How do you act? I was flying off the handle at every and any little thing. I was crying all the time. I was whining non stop. Things hadn't gone my way and I didn't understand why. I'd done everything right. All I wanted from life was a Godly, happy, healthy, successful marriage and more children than I can count. But why was I stuck with 2 (boys none the less....creatures who's habits I had yet to figure out) with the possibility of never conceiving again (thanks Cancer!)? Why was my marriage all of a sudden not picture perfect? Why were we fighting all the time and never talking? None of it made any sense to me. So I blamed God. It seemed like the only logical thing to do. HE was the one in control of my life. I always believed that. I knew HE had a plan for me and there was a reason. I started to see glimpses of the reasons. But because HE didn't send me an email outlining exactly what was going to happen in my life and why, I decided to throw a huge pity party.

Lot's of people will say I had a reason to be upset. And I know scientifically my mental state was off. That part is very clear. So I know I wasn't exactly in my right mind. But as I reflect on the past two years I see how childish I was. God didn't give me what I wanted! Hmph! How DARE HIM!!!!! Did HE know who I was? I was a good girl! There was zero reason for HIM to treat me like that! So I showed my protest! I stomped my feet! I whined constantly. I played the "Woe is me!" card so many times. When I think back to how much my friends put up with, I really don't understand why they're still around. (Mega shout out to Carissa, Megan and Ashley!) They must really love me.  haha I felt like all I did was complain for the past 2 years. That is why I'm ashamed. God blessed us with a third child! I couldn't believe it! One of my first thoughts was "Why is this happening? HE's tortured me for 2 years now. Why give me a blessing?" That sounds terrible to say, but like I said in my disclaimer. I'm being real with you all! After I found out I was pregnant life seemed to look up. My faith seemed to grow, my family is happy and healthy. I'm happy and positive again. Then God started to work on my heart. Why is it SO easy to have strong faith when things are going our way, but SO hard when it's not! The answer is because I'm a sinful human being. Plain and simple. I am ashamed of my behavior because in bad times I didn't praise God through my storm. Instead, I hate HIM and became bitter. As much as it hurts to admit all of this, it does make me feel good. Because it shows that Christ never gave up on me! He's still stirring my heart.  He's still there pushing me. Making me realize my faults and helping to grow from that. I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be! But I'm grateful to my gracious God who has loved me anyways! Who through it all, encourages me to continue growing. He's such a merciful God to still love me even when I'm throwing a fit like a 2 year old. So, this has been my recent conviction. I will continue to grow in HIM even when I fail him constantly. And it won't be just because I'm getting what I want, but because regardless of life itself, HE loves me and takes care of me! And that's all that matters!

Pregnancy Brain.....

It's official!!!!!!! Pregnancy brain is in FULL swing! I thought I'd quickly blog about a few things that have made me laugh and just wonder "How much of my brain is this baby sucking from me?!"

So the other day, I go to the bathroom. Pull my pants down, sit down and nearly pee in my underwear. Why? Because I forgot to actually pull my underwear down with my pants! Wow! Just...wow!

Last night I remember sitting up in my sleep, picking up my phone (normally I check the time, especially if I have to work the next day), opening up Facebook and scrolling. However, once I started scrolling, I closed my eyes. I don't even KNOW how long I was scrolling through Facebook. I woke up (still sitting up, scrolling through Facebook) and realized my thumb had been moving for quite some time. Then turned it off and went back to sleep. REALLY?


One morning after consuming breakfast on the couch, I put my empty plate on the floor mostly under the couch. Thinking, when I got up, I wouldn't step on it, forgetting it was there. Well, go me! I completely forgot it was there until 2 days later when I exclaimed to my husband "OMG! The PLATE!!!! I LEFT IT  UNDER THE COUCH!!!!!!!! IS IT THERE?!?!?!" Thankfully he has my back and has been cleaning up after me. Phew! Sorry Rats, my man's got this place under control. Clearly, I don't.


I am a very organized person! For the most part, everything has a place. Especially things I use regularly. One of them being my water bottle. If I don't have it in my hand, it's on my nightstand (I got to bed with water every night) or on the couch side table. That's it! Unless it's being cleaned. Anyways, I'm searching HIGH and low! Checking kitchen counter, nightstand, couch side table. I even went as far as to check near my purse thinking I was scattered brain recently and maybe when I came home I left it there. Finally, when I'm about to scream and cry cause I'm thirsty and can't find my water bottle any where. I look on the kitchen counter. Yup. Sitting right there. Front and center. No one was home but me. So, it was sitting there all along. Instead I took 10 minutes to frantically search the entire house. Ugh!

So there's some funny examples I thought my readers might like to hear. haha I swear this little Baby Bean better come out all kinds of intelligent!  ;-)

Top 5 Questions For Miracle Baby 3!

Three posts in ONE day?! Y'all are gonna get spoiled! :-P But I thought I'd answer the top 5 questions I've been getting!

1) How far along are you?
    Well, we don't exactly know. Since we weren't trying, it's a bit harder to tell. Based off of LMP (last menstrual period) it's looking like I'm between 6-8 weeks. That's also throwing in my HcG levels that I've gotten twice now.

2) When's your due date?
     Well based off the last question, we're not exactly sure! But it's looking like end of April right now! We will for sure update as we get information! :-)

3) How are you feeling?
    Honestly, I'm feeling great!!!!! Which is honestly down right surprising. Not that I was miserably sick with the boys, but I've felt very little nausea or morning sickness. I can smell things from 10 miles away now. I forgot about that pregnancy super power! I definitely have a dislike for certain foods. No particular cravings besides anything coated in cheese. My top 2 complaints? Sore boobs and being tired a bit more than normal. lol Either being tired or not being able to sleep when I need to. For example, I should be sleeping now since I have my 4a.m. Y shift today. But ah well. Pregnancy! All in all, I can't complain! I'm loving every second. Okay, maybe I don't love the all of a sudden car sickness I've developed or the fact that sometimes I have to hold my boobs when I walk. But I'm grateful and with being grateful comes joy! :-D

4) Are you going to find out gender?
     YES YES YES!!!!!! As soon as possible! hahaha We probably will not reveal a name though! But we definitely will find out gender when we can and keep you all in the loop! I promise! ;-)

5) Are you hoping for a girl this time?
     No! Over the years I have fully come to love and embrace being a "Boy Mom" It's what I do! Having a girl would throw my game off 100% hahaha! But straight up, I'm hoping for a healthy baby! That's what I'm hoping for! Boy, girl, doesn't matter. Our baby is a miracle and I just want the baby to be healthy and happy! :-)

Why Tell So Early?

So, it's finally social media official! We're pregnant! We've had such an outpouring of love over our news! Lots of shock and surprise but all good reactions of pure joy! It's been fantastic! I've gotten the question about why we'd tell so early on. After all, I haven't even been to the OB yet. (Appointment coming up on September 21st!) I don't even know FOR SURE how far along I am or an exact due date. So I thought I'd blog about our reasons.

My husband has never understood my desire for keeping pregnancy a secret. For the first baby especially, I was very sensitive to the fact that it might not last. So close family and friends knew but that's it. Then at 13 weeks we made our announcement. After finding out we were pregnant the second time, that was a doozy. We really didn't have much time to tell anyone before I miscarried. We ended up sharing the news earlier because of the miscarriage and then the exciting news that I was indeed still pregnant. Crazy! (Just in case anyone doesn't know, our second was a twin, so the miscarriage was of the twin...but at the time we didn't know that) After cancer/chemo I always thought "If God ever does bless us with another one, I won't be telling ANYONE! It's too unsafe. Is the baby even gonna be healthy?" I mean...the list of worries/concerns was vast. But we've had 2 years to worry about that. Life after cancer was NOT easy. In fact last year was pure hell for me. People do NOT tell you that the real journey is life after cancer. (except for those who either die or live with it chronically.)  It is NOT easy getting your body back to a healthy place after cancer. I won't go into details, but I needed lots of positive support. I found that in not only my local friends, but also through social media. I had prayer warriors who barely even knew me, praying for me. I was fairly open and honest about a lot of my struggles. And yet very rarely did I have a friend turn away because I "whined" too much. (though it did happen) Social Media became a way for me to receive encouragement and support through prayer and scripture. I was constantly surprised and overwhelmed with how much people actually cared for me AND my little family. All along I have not been silent about my struggles in wanting another child. Cancer for sure, was not in the plans. And neither was them telling me that chemo would probably take away my chances of another child. God has done SO much work on my heart through it all. It opened my eyes to those who can't even have ONE child. Me being open about my struggles has opened door after door for people to not only be a testimony to me, but for me to be a testimony to them. I've learned so much. I've struggled and cried. And sometimes down right threw fits. So now that it's here I found myself wanting to tell the world. Well, not right away. At first I straight up didn't' believe it. It did feel like an alternate universe. haha (read my previous blog post) But after it sunk in, and blood tests confirmed it twice, I became more and more excited and more eager to share it with everyone. We've all heard the rules "Oh! Don't share right away! What if you miscarry?" or comments like "Aren't you worried that somethings wrong and you'll have to explain it to everyone?"  Those were also the concerns voiced once we told our boys. Besides the excitement, God's put a stirring in my heart. Then a friend sent me a YouTube video of a woman (who had infertility struggles) talking about "Why do we hide pregnancy like a secret?" And that really stuck with me. Why should it be a secret? If we're excited, what should hold us back from sharing with the world? The woman in the video talked about how pregnancy should be celebrated. It's God's creation! It should be celebrated no matter if it lasts one day or 7 months or through birth! Children and life should be celebrated. And I totally agree. I talked to Soon To Be Daddy of 3 (;-) lol ) about how I was feeling towards sharing the news. He had no problems with sharing early. No matter what happens in this pregnancy, we are embracing the mere fact that it happened in the first place!!!!! We are celebrating each and every day and symptom. Do I find myself having bad dreams about not hearing a heart beat or blood being every where? YES! I'm pretty confident any pregnant woman has. haha But my trust is in God. And I feel so humble that HE saw fit to bless us with another child even though I pretty much stamped my feet the whole time and demanded to know why God's timing wasn't my own. I can't control a miscarriage. I oddly feel comforted by the thought of miscarriages because it's something completely out of my control. For example the one I had with Collin's twin. Even before I knew there was still a baby in there, I felt peace. Because God saw fit that it wasn't the right time. I want everyone to understand that this is NOT me saying that I don't have sad times thinking about it. It's not to say that you (if you're struggling with this) should not be sad over things like that. But, I choose to celebrate the time I do have. I thought I might never experience pregnancy again. I knew all along that if God wanted it to happen, it would happen. But I definitely 100% struggled with HIS timing. I also want to clarify that we're not saying everyone needs to tell when they're pregnant right away! I realize that everyone is different and everyone makes their decisions for their own reasons. But as for us, I felt how fair would it be for my social media support to be there through all the bad but not through all the good? So friends! You now know! Before we have an official due date! Before I even know how far along I am! You know! Because we want your joy, love and support no matter how long this lasts! So welcome to our family ride, dear Friends! :-)


Matthew 6:34  Take therefore no thought of the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. 

Job 1:21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. 

Stunned......

I'm writing this post 2 days after we found out, we're pregnant!!!!!! I'm writing this now because I don't want to forget, but it'll probably be awhile before it's actually published. I am still in shock. It almost feels like I'm in an alternate universe. So, we found out Wednesday, August 26th, 2015. It was a very interesting day. We hadn't been specifically trying but we had prayed about it a couple months ago and decided to fully give it to God. HE would let us know when it was time. A couple months had passed and still nothing. Which was, for the most part, okay with me. I was content, most the time, where God had me. Two very healthy and active boys. A loving husband. A job that I so very much love. The desire to have another baby has been heavy on my heart for going on 3 years now. My youngest son will be 4 in about 2 weeks and it's always been a sad time for me. That pregnancy started off with a miscarriage. Then come to find out 2 weeks after that, that I was still pregnant. Turns out it was twins. Only one survived. That was fine with me though! I knew it was all in God's hands and in a weird way I had peace about it. I didn't do anything to cause my miscarriage. God just knew I couldn't handle twins. I do miss his twin, and most times I feel like he's half a person. It's strange. But anyways, back to the story. I've always struggled with his birthdays. Why? Because I never got to enjoy his infancy or toddler stage. His first year was all crying non stop and postpartum depression. Then just as I came out of that and started to enjoy life, I got knocked down with cancer. It's been a crazy past 4 years. Lots of ups and downs. I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. EVER. But life definitely hasn't been easy! So Wednesday, I realized I was a day or two late. I didn't really freak out because, well, ever since chemo, you never really knew what my body was up to. Though it'd been pretty consistent over the past year. But I just really didn't think much of it. Well, on a downright whim I decided to take a pregnancy test mid-morning Wednesday. Hubby was home and folding his clothes on the couch. I ran back to the bathroom and took it. I really downright expected to see nothing. Imagine my surprise when I got off the toilet and went to toss it in the trash can, I noticed a second line. Wait....WHAT?!?!?! I couldn't believe it. I stood there for what felt like eternity. Just frozen in shock. I had planned that the next time I got pregnant I was going to announce it to hubby some cute Pinteresty way. Yeah. No. That did not happen. I remember my half walk/run from the bathroom to the living room. He was looking down and I stuck it in his face. His response? "What's this?" haha I said "LOOK!" He asked again...."What's this?" And we both just stared at it stunned. I then began to cry and start shaking. Was this real? Would it last? Is the baby healthy? So many thoughts running through my head. I was nervous. I never doubted for one minute that God can't do miracles and that IF He wanted me to have another one, I would. But I did get angry and VERY impatient at the lack of timelyness in my opinion. haha We both wanted to be excited, but it just seemed to unreal. I happened to have another digital test. I told him I'd take that one next time I had to go. 20 minutes later, I took it. Popped up with pregnant right away! What?! Really?! I felt a small bit of excitement creep in uncontrolled. This. This is the moment. I have a miracle inside of me. For how long, I don't know. But I'm going to love and cherish every single minute. As soon as we allowed ourselves to get a little excited it started to sink in. Holy cow! Number 3 is real! It's coming! Better or worse, here we go! I still have no idea how far along I am, right now. I'm confused and in still a lot of disbelief. I did get a blood test that confirmed I am indeed pregnant. But I'm hoping to get into the Dr's this coming up week. After realizing I was pregnant, so many things started connecting. Like, "Ohhhh....that's why I lost my water bottle! Because I'm already getting pregnancy brain!" (fyi: I NEVER loose anything...EVER....unless I'm pregnant) "Ohhhh...that's why i'm so tired and no amount of coffee has seemed to make the slightest difference." hahaha Do I have complaints physically. Heck yeah I do! These sore boobs are NOT fun! And not sleeping at night, it's already an issue. LOL But I don't even care. Because God said YES! He finally said YES! I know it's all in HIS perfect timing. HE taught me patience and through waiting I've also become closer to people I never thought I would. I've learned more about people who struggle with infertility. It's opened my heart and eyes. Will this pregnancy end in a healthy baby. My goodness I really hope so. But if not, I still trust God has a plan. It may be rough. But holy cow, guys!!!! I'm pregnant!!!!! I'm going to finally be a mom of 3!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean.....It's so surreal! And boy, lemme tell you, you easily forget how much you can love someone you've never met. I know people are probably rooting for me to have a girl, but honestly, I don't care.  I asked God to let me feel pregnancy at least one more time and HE SAID YES!!!!! How amazing? He chose to bless me and my womb and my family even though at times I was like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum because things didn't go my way. I'm so unworthy of HIS love. But yet...here we are! A gift! A precious gift of life. Thank you God!

Pop Pop

Since my laptop is broken, I discovered that my blog has an app. Brilliant! Hopefully this post turns out halfway decent and hopefully and hopefully my laptop gets fixed soon. But this post simply could not wait!

Popcorn! Its my all time favorite snack. I can seriously eat bag after bag. I really shouldn't admit this to the public, but I will inhale a bucket of popcorn all by myself, at the movie theaters. Its my thing. Im pretty sure my pregnancy with my first child was mainly fueled by popcorn. However, over the years (after watching it appear over and over again on the top 5 worst foods to eat, list) I've cut back drastically on how much I eat. I really only allow myself to eat microwave popcorn half a couple times a year! I don't own an air popper and who wants to stand over the stove top shaking a pot waiting for kernels to pop? Not me! One day, I saw this brief Facebook post about making your own popcorn with paper lunch bags. I put paper bags and kernels on my list for next time I was at the store. It took me months to finally try it out. It was an amazing success and way better than the microwave kind at the store! How did I do it? Well, friends, let me share with you! :-)

Here are a the ingredients you will need. I made Kettle Korn.

1) 4tbls of Kernels
2) 3tsp of Oil
3) 2tbls of Sugar
4) Sprinkle of Salt
5) Paper lunch bag

That's it! You'll want to mix the kernels and ingredients in a bowl before throwing them into a bag! You want to make sure the kernels are all coated in oil. Then add sugar and salt. Then pour into the bag. I suggest putting the bag on a paper plate only because the bag isn't all that thick and the oil leaks through. It will be fine without a paper plate...but I found the plate to save on mess. Haha Anyways, you'll fold over the bag a few times then out it in the microwave. Watch it carefully! No longer than 2min and 30 seconds. You wanna wait til the pops get to be 1 second apart between pops. After that, open carefully like you would a microwave bag and enjoy!!!! Sooooo yum and way healthier than the stuff in the store!

I have pictures but it would appear the app is not going to let me post them. But check back in frequently. Hopefully soon I can add pictures! :-)

Happy Popping!!!!!

Chug-A-Chuga-A-Choo-Choo

So recently my life has become even more chaotic and busy than I could've predicted. Starting to work at the YMCA as been amazing but hasn't been without its challenges. At one point last week, as I was in the middle of packing and preparing for the next days chaos, I suddenly had a flash  of a train heading full speed straight at me. It honestly made me completely stop and tears welled in my eyes. I realized that I was completely exhausted. Maybe not so much physically but definitely mentally and emotionally. I had recently gone through several different training courses that the Y wanted me to do. I hadn't been in a learning environment for quite some time. And even though the classes were classified as "easy" and more informative, they definitely still took a toll on me. Because unlike being in school in my younger years, I now had more responsibility. Husband. Kids. House. Chores. Coordinating schedules has honestly been one of the most strenuous tasks. Since most times its just me, I am the sole one responsible for coordinating when "Daddy will be home." and when "Daddy NEEDS to be home", my work schedule, the boys class schedules then sprinkle in doctors appointments, dentist trips, and anything fun, well....let's just say my blog is titled correctly. Tangled Scheustrings is right. And guess who's job it is to untangled all those? Yup! You got it! At first it was nothing. I've always done it. But now adding in my work schedule has just about sent me over edge. Of course the boys are doing more and more and that doesn't exactly free up any time. It's just....life is life. And there will always be adjustments. At the moment I saw a train heading straight for me I really did feel like a deer in headlights. Frozen. I could feel the tears coming but I swallowed hard and continued what I was doing. Why? Because, when a train is going full speed a head it has two options, obliterate everything in it's path or come to a screeching halt that that will more than likely cause some kinda damage. Either damage to the train itself, the track, or even the passengers/cargo ON the train. I thought to myself "Okay, this is it. This is a character moment. A developmental change in my maturity and growth."  What are my options? Do come to a screeching halt? Which would probably involve me falling to the ground sobbing, the kids not getting dinner, things not being prepared for the next day, no chores being done and honestly....nothing productive being done at all. OR! Do I keep chugging along? All of a sudden a mantra of "Chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo" started playing in my head. I know. You're probably reading this thinking "Okay, she might need some actual psychological help." It's crazy! I get it. But, it got me through. I kept going. Literally baby steps. Hand over hand. Chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo Pack my lunch. Chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo. Start preparing the kids dinner. Chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo call the kids to eat. "I'm tired. I don't wanna eat myself. In fact I didn't even think of what to eat for myself.....do I sit down or make myself something to eat?" In the back of my voice I hear my husband saying "YOU HAVE TO EAT!!!!!! It's what fuels you!!!! You've gotta stop not eating. It's not productive and your body won't like you for it." Ugh. "Okay....Okay" I say to myself. Tears start welling up again. Thinking of him makes me miss him more. He's not home. Chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo. Again, I hear him saying "I'm so happy that I never have to worry about you at work. When I think about you I can just think about missing you. You hold down the fort and it makes me so proud." Chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo Boys interrupt my thoughts. I can hear the rough housing going on and the crying as the result. Chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo. More and more I can feel myself going into auto pilot. Hand over hand. Foot step after foot step. Later that night I literally fall into bed. Wouldn't you think I'd be so sleepy my eyes would shut and I'd drift off to sleep? You mother's know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I fall into bed and BING! Eyes wide open! Mind on over drive. Ha! Sleep! That ain't happenin any time soon! Who was I kidding? Again, I see the train. I say I silent prayer. Chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo I turn on the tv in hopes that it might shut my brain off. Within 2 minutes I'm back up cleaning off my dresser. It's been needing to be done. Plus when husband comes home, I want him to be able to lay/relax and bed and not stare at a piled up mess of mostly my clothes. Chug-a-chug-a-choo-choo.............

Healthy Living

So it's been about a year now that I've started my journey to health. Maybe not quite a year. But a good 6 months under my belt. I can honestly, finally, say that I'm feeling good. I'm not exactly sure how much weight I've lost. I only weigh when I go to the doctors because else it's too discouraging. I go to the doctors quite frequently so it's no big deal to just weigh then. I did have a few set backs. Lost some weight. Gained some weight. Lost some more. I really did start to get down and discouraged but now, I can say I'm feeling the affects of my change in lifestyle. It did take a long while. People would say "Just push through and work out and you'll feel great." I'm here to tell you the honest to goodness truth. NO! I did NOT feel great. In fact, I felt like complete and utter crap. My knees and ankles were almost always hurting. Not too long ago I actually sprained a deep shoulder muscle (can't remember it's proper name) and that set me back. All of that does not feel great. But eventually it WILL feel great. I started with small things like trying to eat 3 meals a day. Since being married I'd average MAYBE eating twice a day. Most days only once. And it was always in the evenings. Not good. I completely jacked up my metabolism doing that. Plus chemo didn't help either. I know my heart and liver have both been damaged thanks to chemo. And my unhealthy eating habits didn't help either. So, I finally took time to start taking vitamins regularly. That coupled with trying to eat a decent breakfast really started making a change for me. Then I started taking even more vitamins/supplements. And now I'm taking Aloe Vera in place of my Omeprazole. Not only does Aloe help with indigestion and heartburn, but it actually HEALS the inside of your body. Which my body is in desperate need of. I can already tell a HUGE difference. My end goal is to cut out all my prescribed medicines all together. I can't totally do that yet because I have one that's helping control my blood sugars and it's a tiny little pill once a day and it really does seem to be helping. So I'm sticking with that for now. For the longest time I really felt that I couldn't feel healthy or loose weight unless I invested in some special diet or program or supplement. Boy was I wrong. I don't need something special to feel good. What I need is good 'ol fashioned exercise, better food choices and lots of vitamins! That's it! Just that! It takes hard work and dedication. But, it's definitely worth it. Even if I'm not loosing all the weight I want to right now, (I mean, come on! Who wouldn't wanna wake up 100lbs lighter? lol), I definitely can feel my changes making a difference.  And that's really what matters. Oh sure, I still love my Big Macs and other random horribly crappy food. I just don't eat them NEAR as much as I used to. Or like, instead of getting a whole Big Mac Meal...if I want the Big Mac, I pass on the fries and pop, and opt for water and the burger. Cause lets face it! That burger has enough calories for an entire meal. haha! I also try to only eat one bad thing a week. It doesn't always work out that way...but I find the effort is really helping me make better decisions food wise. I also have to say I'm loving how I've built up more stamina with working out. I still have MUCH room for improvement. But considering when I started out, I'm doing SO well with my progress in the gym. It also helps to have someone motivating you. Kudos to Keri! For always being the one to keep me accountable and at the gym. Most times we don't even do all the same things. But it makes me feel so much better if she's there busting her butt and I'm there doing the same. LOL So here's a short list of the things you need to be successfully healthy.  It's not a complete list and some things may not work for you...but these are the things I'm discovering vital to my success!



1) Clean Eating: This doesn't mean everything you eat needs to be organic. Though that does help. But making wiser choices about what you do eat. Watching Sodium (that's a HUGE thing lots of foods sneak in there), carbs, fat and sugars are all things you need to be aware of.


2) A Buddy: It can be a gym buddy or a clean eating buddy. Or just a buddy who listens to you vent and whine about how much your legs hurt. haha For me, that main person is Keri! I have several others who I talk to, but mostly Keri because we actually workout together. haha

3) Vitamins: I was skeptical. But I promise you, it works! The one's I find help me most are, Prenatal, Vitamin D (like 3 doses), Vitamin E, Magnesium, B Complex and iron. On the days I miss one or two of them (or all of them) I really notice a difference in my mood and energy level.

4) Eating Breakfast: Another thing I was skeptical about. it's still hard to convince me that I NEED to eat breakfast when I wake up and even 2 hours later I'm still not hungry. But it doesn't matter. Now, I eat anyways. It may only be a greek yogurt with granola or it could be a full blown breakfast of eggs, toast and bacon. For me it mostly depends on the time I have. But regardless, I try to NEVER skip breakfast any more.

5) Activity: Honestly, any regular activity is SO good for your heart. Whether it's a walk or bike ride down the street. Or a full blown workout in the gym. You also don't need a gym to be active and healthy. (Have you ever tried doing squats holding a bag of flour? Workout! Total workout! haha) There are so many resources via google and youtube. I remember when I started out. I just downloaded a whole bunch of dance videos on youtube and just had fun for an hour. I would get a good sweat going and my heart rate would stay up for a good half hour. That kinda stuff is so good for your heart. Also try and do something every day. I usually do have one day a week that I don't do anything. Mostly because I am still overweight and working out is hard on my joints. My body just needs the recovery time. But I'm also going hardcore in the gym. If I were just walking every day. I wouldn't rest. If you're a mom. Find things to do with your kids to have them join in and be healthy too! It's such a good example for your children when they see you working out and sweating hard.  Some of our best family memories are the 4 of us sweating it out over Insanity videos. Each of our intensities were different based on skill level and ability. But we all did it together. So healthy for a family! I highly recommend it!


6) Inspiration: Mine comes in the form of shirts. I always feel more pumped by throwing on a workout tank that says "No Guts No Glory" than I would just throwing on a plain tank top. For others actual quotes work better. Find your own source of inspiration! :-)


So those are a few tips I thought I'd share with you all! If you need any encouragement holler my way! I haven't got it all figured out, but I'm feeling good and looking forward to feeling even better! :-)

Military Isolation

When I married into the military there were certain things I expected. 1) To move around all the time 2) To never have my husband around and 3) Raise a family on my own. Those were the obvious things I knew! I also expected our life to be a sacrifice. It takes sacrifice to dedicate your life to the United States. Through the years (especially before marrying into it) I prayed about whether it was the right decision for me and after I was married whether it was a continued right decision. The answer has always very clearly been yes. However, there are some things I just didn't think about. My friend recently wrote a blog post that was amazing! How there should be Basic Training for spouses too! You should totally read it here! "I'm talking What-To-Expect-When-You-Marry-Into-The-Military kind of basic training."  YES! That! For awhile now I've started to realize just how isolating being a part of this lifestyle can be. I'm starting to realize how people might perceive military spouses as snooty. I mean, of course there's always one who really is. Or more than one. hehe But it's extremely isolating when you move away from all your family and friends and life continues on without you. Everyone still gets to see everyone else. Except for you. Everyone takes selfies and has parties. Except for you. Everyone gets to witness developments in life (weddings, birthdays, children etc). Except for you. You're forced to witness it all through once a year (if that) home visits! Technology is great! Except when you're feeling isolated. It just helps harbor feelings of resentment and jealousy, which might make you put walls up more than the average person. And oh sure! There's always the line "Well, you chose to live this life." Well, yes! That's correct. We did. However, who else is going to do it? Someone has to sacrifice at some point. It's not the perfect lifestyle by any means. But someone DOES have to do it. I think constantly about whether I'm just living this life because I have to or because I actually believe in it. And the answer is that I believe in it. Despite the isolation and living without a spouse for 50% (more like 75%) of the time, I feel it's our family's calling. I feel we live it well. But that doesn't mean there's never any down days. It doesn't mean it's always a walk in the park just because "You chose it.". I really do wish that there could be a Basic Boot Camp for Spouses and heck, even children. It's tough. You move to a new place. You have to find a new life. I've never had much success with relying on other military spouses. It's very rare. I have been blessed to make 2 very close and dear military spouse friends here where I'm currently stationed. I cling to those relationships. I also have a few long distance relationships with other spouses. At the end of the day, those are the people who will get you through. When you're crying because you're so far from home and everyone is doing stuff without you. They will get it! They won't judge. They won't take it to mean you don't want to live this life any more. It's really not for the faint of heart. There are serious times when I have to just completely break down. I'm coming up on a transfer season here in less than a year. I'm nervous. I know what to expect. Moving. House Hunting. Movers. Boxes. Traveling. Hunt for a new life and more isolation. It really does make my heart ache how much I miss out on back home. How much I don't know certain things simply because I'm not there. How I would give anything to fly there for a weekend just to be a part of a few selfies and have fun too. But with the down days, do come up days. I just tell myself that it WILL be okay! I'm living a life of meaning and it takes sacrifice. Sacrifice is NOT easy. And I'm extremely grateful (and cling) to the people who make efforts to befriend me. People who are from the state you're stationed in and won't ever be moving. People who KNOW you'll be moving away eventually but who still choose to allow a friendship to grow and strengthen. I love those people and I'm grateful for them. So even if they don't exactly understand what I'm going through, it still brings me comfort because they didn't have to friend me. But they did! And even if it took 2 years to build a life here....I still built one. I still appreciate every second of it. Military life. The struggle.

Toys

I think I've decided that I'm getting rid of all the boys toys! I remember so often my mom yelling at us that she was gonna throw away all our toys if we didn't clean them up. I remember how every spring (I think that's when it was) she would come into our rooms and purge. Broken toys? Trash. Toys you haven't looked at in a year? Trash or given to someone else. In all honesty, I didn't mind it that much. Because the things I REALLY cared about were always tucked away where they should be. Or I was currently playing with them. Barbies, American Girl Dolls and dress up almost never got thrown away. I remember loving the clean feeling of purging. Feeling like everything had a place and purpose. My sister and I shared a room, so it's not like we had a lot of space to work with. I even remember the day my Mom got us big Rubbermaid containers for under our bunk bed. We put our Barbies in those! I believe we put Polly Pockets in those as well. Plus the 2 Barbie cars we had went under the bed. It made me feel so happy to have it so organized and clean. Of course, I loved to drag out toys like the next kid. But I really did not realize that I loved organization so much. New containers would just stir something deep inside of me. "Oooo...new containers!" I even loved to sniff them! Don't ask! I have a thing for sniffing books, containers and babies breath (not the flower). Once I got my own house I honestly became too lazy to organize much. Plus we moved around so much in the beginning. Plus we had a very low budget. lol As much as I love Rubbermaid containers, they're not all that cheap. Even though, to be honest, if I could have a whole house full of those things, I'd be in heaven. Anyways, I've seriously just galloped down a bunny trail and even forgot why I was blogging. *sigh* Mom life, am I right? Anywho, back to the topic. Any time I think about what my favorite toys were, they were always pretty simple. I mean, obviously Barbies, American Girl Dolls and Polly Pockets were on the top chart. But I remember we had friends who moved to our home town. Their Dad built them an entire basement of box houses/tunnels. It was the MOST magnificent thing I'd ever seen. The amount of hours we spent down there....psht! I mean....we were always down there. Of course we had to bring in blankets, pillows and anything to make it "homey". But that's it! Boxes! Thats what made us happy! I even think back on the boys when they were little. The things they loved best were pots, pans, spoons and boxes. Why do I even have an entire playroom FULL of toys? Why did it take us ALL DAY Sunday to clean up the playroom? I don't have time for that crap? If I had a playroom full of boxes, blankets, pillows, pots, pans and spoons...Psht! They'd probably never bother me ever again! Plus, can you imagine clean up? Never stepping on a Lego! Whaaaaaa?!?! All this is to say....from now on, all birthdays and Christmases, my children will receive boxes (maybe I'll even toss in some wrapping paper), pots/pans and blankets. That's it! I know I know. You don't believe me. Honestly, I don't believe myself! But just wait til I have to go back and clean up their playroom again. I'll be back to it! "All toys in trash!!!!! Only boxes and pots/pans for gifts from now on!" Psht! Who am I kidding? The second I see something they'd like, I'll probably buy it. And seriously, do we actually expect me to be able to regulate how much my Mom (their Grummy) buys them? Come on! Let's be honest. I'm screwed. For the next 18 years, probably! Toys. *sigh* Toys!