I'm Sorry I'm a Flake...

Hi, my name is Hannah! I'm a flake! I break commitments. I forget to respond to messages/texts. I can't STAND phone calls! Seriously, like.....who can even HEAR on those dang things? I'm wishy washy about park play dates. Basically, if I met me, I'd steer clear! I mean, do I even want friends? Who knows! How did this happen? Who even am I?


I have never been the type of person to be forgetful. Maybe forgetful of past events. I mean, to be honest I can't remember most of my childhood. I have always been good time Sally! Down for fun! Living in the moment! Who cares about consequences? My friends are my life! That was me! I've always made friends easily! I never even had to try! It's just who I am! My friends wanted me some where, I was there! My friends needed their spirits lifted, I'm the gal! It's so deeply ingrained in me that to be honest, I hadn't realized how much a part of me it was. What happened? Children! Children happened to me! Along with my charismatic, good time me....I've always wanted to be a mother. So I was thrilled when it happened! I just had no idea the impact having children would have on my entire life! Naive, yes! Absolutely. haha! I just never thought my priorities would change this much!


I'm recently the mother of 4 children. 9 years, almost 8 years, 3 years and 9 months! Three boys and a girl. I also am a military spouse! In addition to that (go ahead, call me crazy...I am!) I homeschool! Currently 3 of the 4! Those are the statistics on me. They are also everything that consumes my life. There is so very much I want to do with my life! Seriously! So many things! I mean for example, I'd love to blog more. I'm surprised I have the chance in this very moment. Actually I'm neglecting my 9mo who is currently babbling and talking in her crib. My 3yo is currently yelling no and arguing with my 9yo. It's chaos at all times around here! The past 3 years my husband spent most of his time deployed with little to no communication. I was in survival mode. Truth be told, I HAD to have friends because I literally couldn't survive by myself. But things got even worse. Not because of friends, but because my children grew, their needs changed, some things fell to the wayside. (Let's be real, my body being number one on the wayside list!) We recently moved to a new home/duty station and I'm trying to tackle this new life head on. I'm making schedules for our family, keeping up with chores, dealing with appointments, learning disabilities, discipline....basically EVERYTHING. It's made me prioritize more. Meaning my priority is now my children. I mean, come on guys! It's four against one! Those aren't great odds! Lemme tell you, if you don't believe me, I will GLADLY invite you to spend a few days with me! haha! You'll see! Anyways, I digress. I've realized how much of a bad friend this makes me now. I don't answer your texts because I'm in the middle of schooling. By the time I'm done schooling I forget there were any texts to begin with! I HATE phone calls! Why? Because I can NEVER hear!!!! Dude! I get it! Sometime phone calls have to be made! But come ONNNNN!!!!! With 4 tiny humans in the background making noise, I don't hear a good 60% of what's on the other end. It's nothing personal, I literally just can't hear you! When I get long messages on Facebook...Oh goodness. I basically don't read it all! I'm sorry! It's not that I don't want to know! Totally do! But I don't have the time to read that long of a message! Have you heard of Marco Polo? Well, let me tell you! If you are a busy Mom, Marco Polo is for you! You can record long video messages (no time limit and you don't have to hold a button) of you saying whatever the heck you need to say...or crying! And the other person can watch it at their leisure! It's FANTASTIC. These days that's how I get my friend time in! How sad is that? A delayed video message, in which I will be doing dishes, laundry, yelling at children, crying...whatever...that is the best tool in which for me to get social time. Guys, I'm not a flake because I hate you! I'm a flake because currently God has called me to raise these 4 beautiful children. I'm a flake because they are more demanding than you! If you start peeing your pants, begging me for a snack and falling out on the floor crying, chances are I'll give you more attention, because clearly you need it! So, friends, all of this to say....I love you! I love that you understand me. I love that you don't judge me. Please keep doing it! I will eventually not be flakey! I will eventually not seem such a hot mess. Okay! You got me, that's a lie! I'll always be a hot mess! But I won't always be a hot mess with 4 little children in tow! I'll take you out for coffee in about 16 years and treat ya to dinner! I mean, if you can hang with me through all this chaos, you deserve coffee and dinner on me!

Our New Life....

So, again, it's been forever since I've blogged. It's not that I don't want to, in fact I blog all the time inside my head. But I never have time to actually sit down and do it. Okay! Fine! You caught me! I might have the time (since I've binged 3 seasons of Mindy Project in less than a week...it's fine!) but I most days do not have the energy! But since I've been up since 3:30a.m today, I figured I might as well give it a go! So, here we go....


Since I last blogged we have accomplished yet another PCS (Permanent Change of Station). We are now living in the touristy town of Cape May, New Jersey! It's actually quite beautiful! Though currently very touristy. It's a small town but I kinda like it! I will love it even more when all the tourists go away for the season. Oh sure, technically I'm a tourist right now. I just moved here, I'm sight seeing, new to all the sites, trying out restaurants....etc. But I will be here for the next 4 years consistently, so move over tourists, you're in my way!

I've been getting a ton of questions about how we are adjusting. How is life in the new house? How do you like it? How are the kids adjusting? So I figured I'd blog about it and answer some questions! Sorta like an FAQ!

Question: How do you like Cape May?
Answer: I love it! I kinda already explained above but basically it's a small town. Coming from the Hampton Roads, VA area, it feels even smaller. We have 1 WalMart (that just got grocery pick up) and we've come to realize this WalMart never has ANYTHING. Literally they told me they were completely out of whole chickens.....Uhmmm...okay? Not sure how you could be completely out of meat...but...okay! There is a McDonald's, Taco Bell, Starbucks (with drive thru) and Walgreens. I will survive. However, this is NOT a Target, Trader Joes, Lidl, Chick-Fil-A or really anything else I've been spoiled to have 5 minutes from my home in the past 3 years. Yes, I understand, first world problems. But, I've been spoiled. I miss these convenient amenities at my finger tips! Other than that, it's not as humid and disgusting as Virginia. The ocean air also does not stink like Virginia Beach. (for the record, I couldn't stand VA Beach!) The water is a whole lot more clear and beautiful! The little town of Cape May is adorable! We haven't had the full chance to explore much yet, but we honestly love it so far!

Question: How do you like your new house?
Answer: It works! We are on a 3/4 acre lot with a ton of it fenced in. I absolutely am loving the fact that I can send my children into the back yard and not worry about them. We are surrounded by mostly woods too, so we are able to be in our backyard in our underwear and that's my favorite part. Haha (If you know me, you know I hate clothes) We went from a 2,000sqf house down to a 1,600(ish)sqf home. So it's been a bit of a challenge to fit 6 people into a bit of a smaller house but we're totally making it work! My favorite part is that we are now living on one level. I'm determined to settle into a one level forever home! It's so much more economic. It's easier to regulate temperature, cleaning, misbehaved children...it just all around works better. hahaha We have no need for baby gates!


Question: How are you settling in?
Answer: ALL BOXES ARE UNPACKED!!!!!!! Which to be honest, in less than 3 weeks with 4 children, I think it's quite an amazing accomplishment! I will have to give my husband most of this credit though! He has put in some hardcore overtime unpacking and "setting up". To be honest I didn't realize I had a tiny bit of PTSD from our last PCS (To VA from MI: 1mo postpartum from my 3rd c-section, then he deployed in a couple weeks of arrival....I was left solo, rarely any communication...it was a mess). Every time my husband has asked me to do something I've basically shut down. It doesn't help that the baby has been waking up so much and I'm crazy exhausted. But! I just haven't been able to seem to get a grip. So he's taken the reigns and unpacked most everything. I set up 2 of the 3 bedrooms. I've been able to come behind him and organize things. For example he will unpack all pantry items, then I come behind him and actually organize it and put items where they need to go. So don't get me wrong, not like I haven't done anything, but he has done most of it. We have a ways to go. But we've come a long way in less than 3 weeks.


Question: How is his work at the new unit?
Answer: Well....so far....so amazing! For reference, his last unit was a boat and their schedule was crazy stupid. Basically it was about 3 months gone, 2 months home. But when home he would have 24hr duty, crazy work hours and basically the whole 3 years we were stationed there I lived it solo parenting. We hardly ever had family time. Now? He's home ALL THE TIME. Yesterday he didn't get home til 5pm and I was like "WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?" haha Normally he gets up with the kids, makes them breakfast, bikes to work and is home by 2/3pm (that's with a 45min bike commute). The only downside to his schedule is that it's unpredictable. Basically we can't plan anything long term. For example this past week they got told they had to do a boarding on Sunday. They were told on like Wednesday or Thursday. Okay, no biggie. Then come Thursday night he gets told it's moved to Saturday. In the end either way it's not a big deal. He was gone a couple of hours on Saturday evening and home for dinner. It wasn't a huge deal. But! Had we of planned a family day out and bought tickets to things, we would've been screwed. So we'll be living a lot more by the seat of our pants, but we will be together more as a family. And that I can handle. I also will add that my husband is now the boss man and doesn't hate his job, so that's a noticeable and welcome change!


Question: Have you made any friends?
Answer: Honestly the move was enough exhaustion for me. Friendships and getting out as NOT been my priority. We were very active and social in Virginia. Since we received orders to Cape May God has put one word on my heart, rest. Rest. Family. Refocus. Refuel. All words I continually feel pulled to. Which, is kinda funny considering I'm a very social person and I make friends very easily. So, I've made some connections, yes. But friendship is just not my priority right now. I would easily say our family was broken and a mess upon arrival to Cape May. Since then I've been able to put more focus on just us and I can see the difference. I'm sure I will make many good friends here, but it's just not a priority for me.


Question: How are the kids adjusting?
Answer: Our children are resilient. This is not their first move. Okay, it is for number 4 and the first one number 3 will remember. But! They are adjusting quite well. They love our new backyard. And they are definitely up for new adventures discovering our new area.  Plus they are LOVING having Daddy around more. Plus to be honest, with Mommy having more ability to focus on them (Less outside responsibilities pulling at me), their adjustment is coming along pretty well. Everyone's sleep is a bit off, but that's partially due to new room adjustments. Scheuby 3 was in his own room and is now moved into the room with Scheuby 1 and 2. Scheuby 4 is a greedy little milk feeding baby who can't stop won't stop. So, there's that. haha!


Question: Have you all found a church?
Answer: We don't know that we've found a home church yet, but we finally ventured to try one this past Sunday and it went decently. I'm struggling emotionally with it because I had such an amazing wonderful church in Virginia and I'm just not quite ready to give my heart to another church. hahaha Sounds stupid, but hey! It'll happen, we'll get there! But we are trying!


Question: Eaten any good food?
Answer: Well, we tried some Chinese that was absolutely disgusting. DISGUSTING. So we won't be going back to that place. We have tried a few several Italian spots but honestly none we've fallen in love with. We have places on our list to try, just haven't done it yet. Also, I have no enlisted some help on this matter and I have list of places that are better known for its yumminess, instead of us just taking a shot in the dark! haha


Question: Are visitors welcome?
Answer: Absolutely! One hitch? You probably have to arrange to stay elsewhere. If you plan to come visit soon, we just aren't settled enough for company. We do have a full size guest mattress, but it is currently without a box spring or frame. So it's flat on the floor. Not preferred. In addition our play room in the future will be able to house an air mattress, pallets on the floor however currently....we are not set up and clear enough for that! So! If you wanna visit there are so many options. If you're one person we can probably house you. If you are a family we can more than likely get you MWR lodging (even if you're not military) on base. It's a 2 bedroom condo basically! (full kitchen, playground out back) It's awesome! And 7 miles from our house! Not very expensive either! We also have SO many camp grounds in the area. 3 that are right down the street from us. From what I can tell they have tent sites and cabins you can rent. Plus, being a beach town, there are SO many bed and breakfast places. I would however, wait til closer to September. Prices go down and the town empties. But! If you wanna come see the hustle and bustle, come on up! We have very little on our social calendar.


I think that's it! Quite a bit to read, but these are the frequent questions I've been asked! I'm hoping with less social things pulling me out and about, I may be able to find more time to blog! We shall see! :)

Trust.....

It's been on my heart to share this with you all! Some of you may know, most probably don't. Having our precious fourth was completely unplanned. In fact mere weeks before I found out I was pregnant with her, I had come to a peace that we were done having our own biologically. I was extremely content being a "boy mom". I felt it's what God had designed me for. We have a strong desire to adopt/foster but with my husband's crazy military career, we aren't in a place to do that quite yet. But as far as biologically, I was done! And happy with that. I was also okay with not having a girl. I'd spent so much time wishing number two and three were girls, I had just given up and decided to be happy over the gifts God gave me. So finding out we were expecting again was a mix of emotions and not great ones. I also KNEW it had to be a girl because I had found such peace about not having one. haha! I would be lying if I told you I just accepted what God decided to do with our life. I whined, I complained, I was completely ungrateful. I essentially threw a fit like a two year old. "I don't want it! I don't wanna do this! I didn't plan this. Why can't things go how I planned?" I had a rotten attitude. Throughout the pregnancy and other personal things going on, God really started to put ONE word on my heart. Just one. Trust. I would randomly be going through my day and the word would pop in my head. I argued with God about it, at first. "No! I don't wanna trust. I know YOU have a plan but I think it's stupid." haha! I'm being straight up honest to you all about my terrible attitude. I'm not sugar coating it. It was horrible. Yet, God faithfully kept at me. Trust. T-R-U-S-T. TRUST ME! About halfway through my pregnancy my heart really took a turn. This baby was coming whether I liked it or not. I decided to stop fighting God and see what path HE had for me. Every issue I had, I brought it back to HIS promise to me. "Trust Me. I have you! You are NOT alone. This is for MY glory! Trust me!" I was terrified to have a fourth c-section. Terrified. I was scared to go through a fourth postpartum. To try and nurse again. All of it. To raise a girl for the first time. So.much.fear! Trust. Day of my c-section I kept praying. The walk into the hospital I just kept praying and talking to God. "I trust You! I'm scared, but I trust. YOU have a plan. Regardless of the outcome, I trust. I choose trust!" Going back for my c-section "I trust you. I'm scared, God. Help me. I trust Your plan but bring me peace." Continually. My c-section was wonderful! The staff was wonderful. They listened to me. I verbalized. It was everything I wish a birth could be! I was loved, supported and the baby and I came through healthy and fine. Not long after she had nursing problems. "Trust me!" I fought, I cried, I was exhausted. I trusted HIM. He made my body produce the milk sufficient enough to grow a human being. We were going to nurse because I trusted God and the body He gave me. God brought a community around me to support me and get my nursing figured out! He kept me faithful! We're not pros yet, but we have come so far! After the nursing challenges we have had the sleep deprivation challenges. I remember when we first got back from the hospital I was so sore, in so much pain and we had close to no solid sleep. I prayed and told God exactly this "This is your plan, God. I'm on board. I trust You. I pray over this child You've chosen to gift us. I ask that if it be your will, we get some sleep! If not, I trust You will keep me awake and able to function without the sleep! I trust you!" That very night we got 6hrs of sleep. For those who don't know newborns (we're talking under a week old) that's a BIG deal! God has continued to put that word on my heart and remind me over and over again that it's not about me! It's about HIM! I'm not perfect, but it's been such a huge learning lesson for me this year. I'm making Trust my word for 2018! I'm stubborn, but God loves me. HE cares! He is teaching me to be humble and trust. I could tell you story after story this year, in which I can see God teaching me true trust. Trust. Keep trusting, friends! God is faithful, ALWAYS.

Five Year Remissionversary...

Remission. Cancer. Chemo. Atra. Port. PICC-line. Hospital. Post traumatic stress disorder. Depression. Just a few words that hold such weight to me. They're not just words. They're things I actually lived. They are words that became my life in 2013.

For those who don't know my story, I was diagnosed with Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia (APL) in June of 2013. The brief sum of events leading up to finding out this big news were as follows. In March of 2013 I noticed a huge downshift in my energy levels. I had been working out and eating healthy since December the previous year. I, at that point had two boys almost 3 and a little over a year. I assumed my downshift in energy was due to having two toddler boys. I mean, I'm a stay at home mom. Makes sense. I ignored my lack of energy and kept at the day to day. At the end of March I had a fall coming out of a video store. I sprained my ankle and it blew up and bruised worse than I've ever seen any bruise on me. And no matter how much I tried to rest it and elevate it, it continued to be swollen, painful and black and blue. I went back to the Doctor several times for that ankle because I was so sure I had broken something. I continued on a Motrin regimen due to the pain. Fast forward to beginning of May, we as a family road trip back home (about 10.5hrs away) for my brothers college graduation and to visit. On the ride down I noticed a massive metal taste in my mouth and swelling all over. Once we arrived, I noticed a massive black bruise underneath (yes, you read that right) my right breast. I touched it, it didn't hurt, but it seriously looked terrible. I racked my brain for what I could've done to bruise myself so badly. I mention this fact and the metal taste in my mouth to my husband he notes that I also had the same type bruise on one of my butt cheeks. So I rush straight to Urgent Care. They did some blood work and told me that my platelets were low and that it was probably due to the motrin I'd been taking for my ankle. I remember calling my family Doctor and talking to her about it. Because it made no sense to me. She explained Platelets were what makes my blood clot. And that it didn't seem right motrin would cause that because I'm otherwise very healthy. She said if anything further happened to go straight to the ER otherwise we'd figure it all out when I got back from vacation. As I continued my vacation I increasingly felt weaker and weaker and exhausted. Fast forward to about 5 days before we're supposed to leave to come back, I got what I thought was an early period. I'm normally VERY regular, not a heavy bleeder...nothing too serious. This was a sudden GUSH. I remember because I was at WalMart with my husband, standing checking out, and I could feel it completely soak my underwear. So i rushed to the bathroom. Then I proceeded to go get new underwear, pants, pads and tampons. I remember telling my husband that I didn't understand why I got it so heavy and early. It didn't make sense to me. It'd NEVER been like that. I've literally never soaked my pants like that before. I rode out excessive heavy bleeding for two days. As you can imagine with each passing day I grew weaker. By the last day I was soaking through a jumbo tampon and heavy pad every 10-15min! I went to lunch with two girlfriends that day and told them what was going on. They literally MADE me go to the Emergency room. And thank God they made me. By the time I got to the hospital the blood was uncontrollable. I was literally bleeding out. The ER didn't know what to do with me. So they admitted me. Then all the real chaos began. The friend that made me go to the ER literally saved my life. The Doctors told me that I was within hours of bleeding out and dying. And if the blood didn't get me, the 100% cancer cells would've gotten me probably within a day. I almost lost my life. Woah.

After all of that, that's when the real chaos began. The next 6 months were a blur of trying to find a stable place for my kids to stay (because I was too sick to travel back to our home), my husband figuring out his military work situation, treatment plan, hospital stay, finding a temporary place to live while undergoing treatment and honestly the list could go on. It was exhausting to say the least. At the time, I thought fighting the cancer would be the hardest part. I was sorely mistaken. Hands down the hardest part was post cancer. Finding my life again after cancer. Dealing with PTSD and depression and anxiety. I have a very strong faith in God. I trusted him throughout all my treatment. But afterwards I was so angry at God. I was supposed to be trying for baby number 3 and instead? I got cancer. Bonus! I was told to never expect to be pregnant ever again. WHAT? Why? Truth be told that was THE hardest thing to wrap my head around. My husband and I both always have had the desire to adopt, but I didn't even feel remotely done being pregnant. I wanted more children. Truth be told, chemically my brain was irrational. I couldn't think correctly. I became extremely angry overall. I've never been an angry person. Always been someone who sees the bright side, positive, happy....that was me. I turned into this person I didn't recognize. I thankfully recognized I needed professional help and jumped right into counseling and medication. It was an absolute necessity for me. I had the brain knowledge that God had me going through all of this for a reason. I knew in my head HE had a plan and it was customized for just me. But I still struggled with anger. 2013 was when I dealt with actually getting rid of cancer. But 2014 is when I actually fought like hell. Truth be told, I'm not sure I've ever fought so hard in my life.

Before cancer I had started to grow my hair back out. Once I was diagnosed I ended up cutting my hair in three stages. Stage one was just to cut the majority of length off, so that staying clean in the hospital became more manageable. Then there was stage two which became necessary because my hair started falling out from the chemo. I had gone in ready to shave my head. Then I sat in the seat and the hair dresser realized I wasn't at all ready for that. I was near tears. So she just gave me a very short hair cut. It was long enough you could tell I had curl, but short enough that I didn't hardly have to do anything to it. Stage three was the shaving. Honestly, I try not to think about that moment. Everyone was so nice and encouraging. Everyone said I looked cute no matter what. But it doesn't change how you FEEL. I felt naked. I felt robbed of my covering. I felt insecure. Despite that so many strangers (medical staff) seeing every single vulnerable part of me, loosing all my hair some how made me feel the most vulnerable I'd ever felt. From the point of shaving my head I said that once it grew back in, I was going to grow it out for 5 years and then donate it on my 5 year Remissionversary. Because in cancer world, the 5 year mark is HUGE. My doctor said that after 5 years that puts me in the "cured" category. Not just "remission" category. He said if by some crazy circumstance I end up getting APL again after 5 years, it would be totally unrelated to the first. So 5 years has always been a very big deal to me.

The closer I got to my 5 year mark the more nervous I got to cut off and donate my hair. I still very much wanted to. But, I found myself so very often going back to that vulnerable place again. Things have changed so much since my diagnosis. I am a completely different person. I've grown so much and for the better. My relationship with Christ is stronger than it's ever been. I even FINALLY got baptized! In addition God saw fit to be gracious to me and I had TWO more children after cancer! He made the impossible, possible. I also had no problem conceiving them. In fact number 4 was completely unplanned and unexpected. In addition to that, number 4 was a girl. Our first after 3 boys! November 5th is the official day in which I was declared "in remission". On that day in 2013, my facebook status reads "Leukemia.....crushed it!!!!!!" A very monumental day. On Monday, November 5, 2018, 5 years later, I cut off and donated THIRTEEN inches of hair! For the year 2013! For the year that changed everything for me. For the year where God pushed me and forced me to see that I am not in charge of my own life. For the year where God showed me just how vulnerable I could be. But also how loved and supported I could be. I lost friends. I gained friends. I saw people who truly cared and I saw people who were only out to hurt me. I saw how much grace God has continued to give me. 5 years is a long time. I almost cried when the hair dresser started cutting but I immediately became flooded with gratitude. God could've called me home, but HE didn't! There is a reason I'm still here. Thirteen inches of hair is a small way of giving back to someone, who could be just like I was in 2013. It's a small way of showing them grace, love, and support in their weakest time.

Cutting off 13in of hair definitely made me feel all emotions again. Nakedness, fear, sadness....but as soon as I felt those feelings I was immediately filled with gratitude for Christ. For the fact that despite all my flaws, all my failings, HE has seen fit to continue to show me HIS love for me. If you've read this whole thing and you are struggling, please remember that even in the horrible times, God is still there. There is always a reason. Despite it being a horrible situation, you CAN change. You CAN grow. And you CAN have a deeper relationship with HIM. Believe me, I'm a walking testimony of that! And if you ever want someone to talk to, who gets it, please don't hesitate to talk to me. Or better yet, fall on your knees and talk to the ONE who can provide you ultimate comfort and peace! Throughout my life I can continually say, God is faithful!

The support team! 

Watching the process closely! 

The two additions who weren't there for the original chaos! 

This girl was there for the cancer and tended to mine and my husband's needs throughout the whole process! We frequently look back at that time and don't know how we would've done it without her support and care! 

The before! Just after a good washing! 

The after of having it blow dried. 

Tying it off for the cut! Eeeek! 

Here we go! 

Almost all done....I could feel the weight just coming off! 

The last cut! 

13 inches!!!!! (plus some!)

Honestly, I can see in my face the amazement and shock that I was able to do this! 

The new short haired ME! 

The confusion of the toddler who can't figure out what just happened. haha

Me, making everyone feel how smooth my hair was! 

The new freshly cut hair! 

It's a WHAT?

Well folks, I never blog! I want to all the time but never get around to it. But I felt this was a moment worth taking the time to blog about. So, on Easter I woke up from a nap, knowing I had an email revealing our new baby's gender. I knew the answer with every fiber of my being. I will say I've known with the first and this one, only! I thought I knew with the second and third, however I think my wants/desire's really clouded my judgement. Although, I will say, when you truly KNOW something, you know it deep down, despite other feelings. So deep down I knew number two and three were going to be boys. I just didn't want to admit it. Now back to this baby and the gender. At about 10.5 weeks, I took a blood test to find out the babies gender! I highly recommend SneakPeekTest.com !!!! They are affordable compared to doing the test through the doctors office and coming out of pocket. You can do it as early as 9 weeks! And, if they're wrong, they will refund 100% of your money back. In addition to all of that, its super quick! It took no more than 5 days to get results from order date! And I ordered on a Saturday night! It was awesome! Highly highly recommend if you're impatient like my husband and I! Back to Easter. As soon as I woke up from my nap, I KNEW. I knew I had the email and I knew what it'd say! It revealed what I had so badly wanted number two and three times. hahaha It was a girl! What? Yeah, you read that right! A girl. What the crap am I going to do with a GIRL???? After three boys???? A girl! SERIOUSLY? I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all. Which will come as a huge shock to those who were close to me when I found out number two and three were boys! This pregnancy was a complete surprise. Very unplanned. In fact, right before I got pregnant, I had just told a friend that I had really gotten to this place of peace that number three was our last biological child. (my husband and I still want to adopt!) I also had become completely confident and comfortable in being a boy Mom! I think no matter the gender, there's always an adjustment period after you have a baby! So after my third, given that we did a PCS (military move for those who don't speak military. hahaha!), my husband was deployed constantly, it took me well over 1.5 years to finally start feeling like I could piece my life back together! I wasn't as stressed, I wasn't as overwhelmed and number three has turned out to be my Momma's boy and I LOVED it! I did feel slightly sad that my husband would never get to experience being a girl dad. I thought he'd be so cute with a little girl. But as far as I was concerned, I was so pleased to have a momma's boy who loves the crap out of me, two other boys who have taken on a protection roll over me and to be the ONLY girl in the household. I mean, it has it's perks! Seriously! When we're out to eat as a family, I don't have to make the bathroom runs. I'm the only girl! My husband does that. When I want to go for a pedicure? No one wants to go! I get to go with JUST me and it only costs the price of one! I mean, literally, I had gotten to the place of loving where God had me and being super grateful for what I have. I literally said to this friend I was chatting with "I don't want a girl, it'd honestly throw everything off!!!" So the very minute I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly, I KNEW it was a girl! I absolutely knew. I didn't want it to be,  to the point I was literally praying for a boy! It was such a change for me. The third I wanted to be a girl so over the top badly! It was such a turn around for me. So I do mean that when I found out my deep suspicions were correct, I was so unhappy and sick to my stomach. It's so funny what our desires do to our heads sometimes. hahaha So I'm preparing to announce to the world that we are having a girl. I'm expecting everyone will assume I'm so beyond thrilled. And here's the plain truth. It's weird. It's awkward and not exactly desired. HOWEVER, it's my child! When she actually arrives I will be happy and love her more than I know possible! But until then, it's weird. When I started my registry, it felt weird. I almost felt like a fish out of water. Everything I thought I would like for a potential girl of mine, just, didn't do it for me. I apparently just want simple. It's just odd. hahaha! But guess what? That's okay! These are all natural feelings I would feel after having three boys. hahaha! And I'm accepting it! :-) So there's my story/feelings on finding out our fourth was going to be a girl! I can tell you that one thing has remained. I HATE monogramming and I HATE......HATE outfits like these!

After all of that being said....Welcome aboard Scheuby4! We have lots of laughs, dance moves, opinions and attitudes! You'll fit in just fine around here no matter your gender! <3 

Last Day Unplugged

I have spent the last thirty one days, unplugged from social media! (To read details about my unplugging Click Here )  To be honest, I can't believe it! I really expected that at some point during this month, I would fight strong urges to sneak on! That never happened. I do remember at one point feeling like I really missed Instagram. After thinking about why I missed it, I realized it's because I did really miss seeing pictures of friends lives (aka their children lol). As a busy Mom, I realize how hard it is to reach out and actually engage in friends/families lives. It's just so easy to take picture and upload it to social media in mere seconds. Bam! Now all friends and family can see exactly what we're doing and I can see what they're doing without actually making any effort. And don't get me wrong, that's super nice! I appreciate that almost a little bit more after my absence. But it absolutely does not replace true connection with people. I was surprised at the low number of people who actually cared to reach out and see how I was doing as well as update me on my life. Which saddened me. I always seem to have an amount of people who are my fan club, but yet they didn't have follow through when it came to taking a little bit of extra time to reach out. I, myself reached out to people I hadn't in awhile. I also found that I had SO MUCH TIME on my hands without social media. I mean, I can truly say that my house is clean. Like, near top to bottom, not scrubbing no longer needed. It's clean. hahaha Sure there's a few dusty vents I can't reach. But everything within my reach was clean. (You too, can have a clean home without social media! ;-) hahaha I kid, sorta!) I also spent far more time reading to my children, or playing a game, or doing a puzzle. The times I actually spent with them seemed to be of more quality because I wasn't worried about documenting it's every second, or zoning out see what was new on my feed. I also spent far more time engaging in meaningful conversations with my husband. We chatted about random things and important things. He wasn't quite as unplugged from his phone, but I still kindly asked to spend more time with him and he was highly receptive to it! It was fantastic. Times I actually spent with friends in person were so full of engagement! I zoned out far less! It was easier to remember important things in their lives because I was truly listening! Overall, unplugging allowed me to become extremely present! And I love every bit of it. All that being said, I'm very excited to see what's been going on in social media land. I feel like I've been absent forever! I'm very eager to see pictures of my friends kids, find out anything new in homeschooling land and overall see whats on the up and up! But I highly recommend everyone detox from social media at some point. It allows you the free mind space to think. I've spent FAR more time in my Bible, praying, devotions. I've thought through situations/problems much quicker than I normally do! I'm not even sleeping as much as I used to. I still sleep a ton, but for example, I woke up at 5a.m this morning. Without social media to interfere, I've been able to online grocery shop (Guys, if you haven't done WalMart Grocery Pick Up....DO IT! NOW! It's absolutely life changing. I even ordered computer paper! Haha It's fantastic. Use my referral code to get $10 off your first order! use me! ), I placed my bulk order (Another life changer. Bulk items, comparable to places like Costco, BJ's etc, frequent sales, no membership fee, free shipping and it all comes straight to your door! It's amazing! click here to receive $15 off your first order!), I printed off some worksheet papers for my older boys schooling today (If you homeschool and love Unschooling like I do! Check out this! I just pop by this webpage to find whatever I'm looking for to fill in my kids learning gaps. It's always fun, always easy and all FREE!), I sent my husband who's been struggling at work and encouraging text, and most importantly I had time in my Bible/with God. In addition to having time to blog. Friends, today is my last day unplugged, but I highly highly recommend you try it! I still feel I will be a bit absent on social media til my husband deploys again (which is soon!), but I'm eager to see how things have been in social media land. I hope if you're reading this, you feel encouraged to try it! :-)

A Great Day....

So last week was rough for me. In all senses of the word. Physically, emotionally, spiritually in all ways, it was just bad. It just seemed as though God was pushing me past my limits. Of course, HE wasn't! HE knows me better than I know myself. I continued to cry my heart out to HIM during my struggles! As faithful as HE always is, HE taught me new things and helped me realize more ways I can change! (Spoiler Alert: I'm not perfect! ;-) ) Monday when I woke up, I was so determined to make this week better. Earlier in the week God was like "Nope! YOU can do nothing without ME!" I heard HIM. So I prayed. I asked him what HIS will was for my week. Of course he can't send me a list of to-do's or anything, but I knew he'd direct my paths if I stayed faithful to my responsibilities HE's given me. So I did. I trucked away at mini mundane tasks and He kept guiding me to play catch up. Fast forward to Wednesday night, my body felt run down and just exhausted. Not surprising given the past weeks turmoil. I thought to myself "Well, you're still behind, you better spend all day Thursday catching up." What I didn't realize was that I also had to play catch forward. haha My siblings were coming to town and I had to do the chores I would normally do then, earlier. I woke up at 6a.m. My first thought (Praise be to God!) was "Let's start this day off! Prayer, devotion more prayer!" So I did! I ended up falling back asleep for a little bit. But when I rewoke I felt energized and ready for the day. Friends, I encourage you so much to start your days with God. It just sets the best tone for the rest of the day! Anyways, from the moment my feet hit the ground I worked. Up, down, inside, outside, I mean I did it all. I got the kids up and dressed for the day. Got laundry started for the day (In my house we do laundry all on one day!), fed the kids breakfast and just kept moving from there. I made a to-do list for the day of all things I didn't do last week, some things i didn't do this week and other things that have just been sitting there waiting for me to take care of them! I did things like cleaning fans, changing all bed sheets, cleaning off my nightstand, hanging a picture that had fallen off, taking apart and putting away the baby swing that has just been taking up room waiting for me to put it away. I mean, the list goes on! Friends, I kid you not when I say I didn't eat, I just kept moving NON STOP! From 7am-8pm. I only sat one time and it was no longer than 30minutes. (Not including the time I sat to write  hand written notes that have been needing to be done) I just worked. Of course I had my kids help me. The older two would take turns watching the baby while I worked and worked. As I was working I thought about how far God's brought me. In the past I never cleaned my house, I never even changed sheets. Sounds gross...but totally was bad at that. And now God's given me more children, a bigger house and schooling to do. I find myself with less time than I normally have. I see how much time I thought I didn't have back when I only had one child. I see how bored I was! I see how much I needed to turn to Jesus more! Friends, you cannot talk to God enough. It's not possible. Throughout my working, I thought about how much joy it would bring my husband to come home after a rough week at work and not worry about doing any chores or worry about a lack of clean house. I knew he'd immediately feel at peace! I knew my children were learning good traits like working hard, organizing etc. I was doing back breaking work and still praising God and so happy to teach that to my children. Today was a GREAT day! Today I accomplished all that and more on my to-do list. So much so, that it feels like magic that I got it all done. But it wasn't magic! I tell you, God is powerful! He knew I needed energy and motivation. HE sent it directly to me! He allowed me to get this house under control and do extra. HE knew I need to feel successful as well! And here we are, just under midnight and I'm just now settling into bed for sleep! I even managed to squeeze in a blog post, a little potty training, a facetime with a best friend and a facetime with grandparents celebrating potty training! If you've had a bad day, week month, heck! Even a year! Don't worry my friend! God is so much more powerful than your own agenda! I promise you! Start your days off asking God what HIS plan is for you for the day! You won't regret it, I promise! :)