2 Years? Really?

I find myself honestly being stunned to arrive at my 2 year Remission of Leukemia Anniversary! There are so many thoughts and emotions running through my head. I'm sure those pregnancy hormones don't help at this very moment. Cancer. *sigh* I feel I've talked myself silly on the subject. During, after, way after.....it's just. Cancer. It sucks. There's no better way of saying it. The actual chemo part was easy for me! So very easy. Oh sure, it had it's issues, naps, headaches, lack of eating. It's crazy that, that was the easy part. The year after cancer, however? Nightmare! Pure hell! Anger. Lots of anger. I've blogged about it previously. I needed a lot of help last year. Lots of friends who lent listening ears, a counselor, drugs, a supportive husband...the list goes on. It was hell for me. I'm sure for my husband as well. It was NOT easy! And then as of the beginning of 2015 I just stopped wanting to talk about it. I didn't want to acknowledge that it existed! Oh sure, if someone asked, I'd talk about it and sometimes I might mention it. But other than that, talking about cancer in general...I just didn't want any part of it. I was watching this TV show called "Chasing Life" It was about a girl who got Leukemia and her journey. The first year of healing (2014) I connected very much with the show though it made me cry often bringing back memories. However, this year? I couldn't watch it any more. I found myself feeling absolutely sick. Like I was going to throw up! Or I'd get irritated after watching the show and not know why. Eventually I realized, this year 2015, is my year of denial. I'm guessing it's going to take me about 5 years to go through all the stages of grief. Anger, Denial....I'm not sure what's next. We shall see! But for this year, yes, I'm very grateful to have survived it. I do, I really do, feel incredibly blessed to have had this experience. It's opened my eyes to not only cancer but other situations. Even myself as a person, I feel, has changed drastically. I'm not that same girl who got cancer. Sure, I have the same traits, and I definitely still look like her. (more healthy now though!) But my views and thinking, are just way different. I also know that God brought me through all that for a serious reason! I'm privileged he decided to keep me around. However, this year, I'm definitely feeling more survivors guilt. It makes me sad to know that others suffer worse than I did. And that I'm included in the cancer group, when in all honesty, my cancer was NOTHING in comparison to what others do. I just don't feel worthy! Why me? I find myself just more sad on this anniversary. On the verge of tears. And like I said, pregnancy hormones aren't helping. But that's another reason I feel guilty. 2 years of my Remission and I'm pregnant. I never thought that'd happen ever again! And it did! A miracle. A huge blessing! That I am so over the moon happy and grateful for. But again, why me? Why do I get this happiness? I dunno. I'm going to try and carry on my Anniversary date as normal. Tomorrow will be an emotional day. (November 4th is my official date) But I will still carry on like normal. Because there are so many others who don't get to live their lives normal or even at all! Cancer sucks life out of people and it's hard. So please be patient with me if I seem a bit off. I've got to mentally work through all this. *sigh* Cancer sucks!