Rain, Strep Throat and Poop....Oh My!

You know those days where you wake up and expect to get so much done and the day to go smoothly? I don't know why I ever wake up like that, to be honest. Every single day never goes as planned. That's the magic of life. However, I still woke up today expecting a certain thing from this Monday. I was pretty happy because Mr Baby had slept from 8pm-6am! It was GLORIOUS! Once I opened my eyes and sat up in bed, my oldest came in to tell me that my middle child was sleeping. Uhm...it was 9am....why was he still sleeping. One thing you need to know about my children, they sleep great BUT they rise and set with the sun. The latest they've ever slept is 8:30am and that was so long ago I don't even remember. I kinda brushed it off because we'd had a crazy busy, exciting, fun filled weekend. Then he wakes and comes into my room. As I saw him coming down the hallway I knew what I was in for. You could just see on this face that he was burning up. I took his temp. Yup, 101. Full blown fever. Then I realized he hadn't said a word. SO weird for this kid. I asked what was wrong and he said his throat hurt. Oh goodie! So I called and scheduled him an appointment that wouldn't take place til 3pm. Well, that worked out well, since I needed to get up, feed a baby, pump, feed the oldest, divvy up some medicines and prepare. By the time all of that was done and we were getting close to leaving the sky started looking gray and promising. Promising of rain. I love rain! SO much! More than rain? I love thunderstorms! Except, when I have to drag 3 kids out in it. One who's sick and one who's in a heavy carseat carrier. Ugh! We make it into the car just as it starts coming down. I was hoping it'd let up. It of course got 10x's worse. I prayed on the way there, that God give us a front parking space. I know, I know! Such a trivial thing to pray for, but I was really hoping for it. Guess what? He gave it to us! Even though we were right up front, it was still quite a bit of good walking distance to get inside. So, I made sure to tell the kids to prepare. I hopped out and by the time I made it to the trunk to open it up for the stroller, I was SOAKED. I mean SOAKED through my hair to my scalp, kinda soaked. Once the trunk was open I was able to hide under that and set up the stroller. Finally got everyone loaded and huddled under the trunk. Finally I said "GO!" and we took off. Only, as I pulled the trunk down, a bucket of collected rain water fell directly on me. Perfect. Then I started sliding out of my flip flops. I ripped them off, while trying to cover the baby's carseat with a changing mat. Of course before we were even halfway the thing had blown off. The older two thought this was great fun and quite hilarious. The child in me, wanted to join and screams of laughter and giggles. But the Mom in me knew as soon as we walked into that cold air conditioned hospital, we were gonna freeze. We finally make it indoors completely soaked. Like we'd jumped into a pool. While checking into the Dr she hands me a check list sheet to fill out and I basically soaked the piece of paper. We were there for hours. Positive strep test. Which honestly made me happy because we can fix that with antibiotics. The Dr thought it could also be Hand Foot Mouth and if you're a Mom, you run screaming from that! So strep, even though contagious, was fixable. Perfect. Of course the whole time we were waiting at the Doctors it was barely drizzling outside. Once our script was ready and we started for the car, you guessed it. Torrential down pour! I stood inside the doorway to make sure  it wasn't going to let up any time soon. Well, it didn't. There was a lady standing there waiting as well. I asked if she was going to be there for a minute and she JUMPED at the chance to help me. She stood with the kids while I pulled the car up as close as I could. Of course getting soaked. When I get back to the kids the lady is simply GUSHING with amazement. "I've been chatting with your boys and they informed me that you homeschool TOO???? On top of taking care of all of this??? I have two 1 year olds and I could never handle that! How do you do it???" Soaking wet and a little thrown off I responded with a "God, prayer and coffee!" She laughed, but I don't think she realized how dead serious I was. Which cracked me up. She got to asking me what my husband does and when I explained that he was currently gone, her eyes got even bigger. (Believe me! I didn't believe it was possible!) She was simply amazed I was managing all I was managing. The funny thing about that, is when people see what I do, they don't see the silent tears at night, the yelling at my children, the mistakes I make all day every day. They just see the surface. And it reminded me how much we don't see what God does. It's easy to see he's blessed me with a Godly, handsome, strong husband and 3 very healthy happy children. (minus the strep throat of course haha!) But it's not easy to see WHY I had to drag three kids out in pouring down rain because one of my kids is sick. I don't see WHY my husband has to be away from me 85% of our 7 years of marriage. But yet, here I am. Loving life. Loving the trials and tests. Of course after I get home and for the second time get soaked by the rain water that had collected on the trunk while loading the kids up and finally settle in, I realize Baby's got a poopy blow out diaper. Well of course he does. I'm exhausted, soaking wet, cold and I still need to get dinner on the table, divvy out medicine again and pump. As I'm bathing the baby I realize, every second I breathe, it's a blessing. Every Monday I wake up and it's nothing like I plan, it's a blessing. Every time I have to drag three children out in the pouring down rain, it's worth it. Because God's put me on this earth for a reason. He's made my life a certain way for a reason. I will embrace it and thank HIM for it!

The Real Mom Life....

Today has been one of those days that you just think as a parent "How am I going to survive?" Like really! I felt I would share because I know I'm not the only one who's been there!  I know I'm not the only Mom who's thought "No seriously, I can't survive this!" Now that I'm through it I realize I was probably a bit dramatic. But here's my story none the less.



Today was a hard day from the moment I woke up. (*note* I woke up for the second time this morning since little man is eating about every 3-4hrs) I'm tired. So very tired. I'm almost 3 weeks from my c-section for baby boy number 3! Postpartum healing hasn't gone as well as I thought. It's going, and after a few stumbles, it's been nothing but moving forward. For DS3 he's been amazing. Even though I'm up multiple times a night, he eats and goes right back to sleep. I'm just having a hard time adjusting. Yesterday (Wednesday) was the first day though, that I was flying solo.  Parenting 3 boys under the age of 6. I wasn't going to have help again until Friday. That meant nights and days were all on me. I've been feeling more ready than I thought but still not 100%. Thankfully my OB has been amazing and staying on top of my pain management, so I had medical reinforcements if need be! I had many things to accomplish and honestly, Wednesday went as well as it could've gone! I got my stuff done and survived til bedtime. Barely survived all the night feedings, but survived none the less. Coffee was so glorious this morning! I had things on todays agenda and I also got those done, but by 3pm my body started to give out. I knew I'd over done it and pushed too hard. But that certainly doesn't stop life from happening. I still had children who needed to be fed, changed etc. I decided to allow myself a pain pill and some rest. After resting about an hour, I was trying to find motivation and energy to get up and start dinner for the two olders. Just then a sharp pain hit me! Then, the baby spit up a crap ton. All of himself, his blanket and boppy. Great! Perfect. He's been needing a bath for days now but I kept putting it off because I knew there was no way post c-section that I could hold him at the kitchen sink or sit in a bath with him. There was no avoiding it now. I tried to see if I had any reinforcements of able bodies. The only ones I could come up with were my two older sons. I called my DS1 in to see if he was up for the challenge. I asked him if he'd be willing to sit in a bath with DS3 at the risk of being peed or possibly pooped on. He responded with perhaps the sweetest response I've ever heard in my life. "Anything to help you out, Mom." So simply and strongly put! I had just finished pumping breast milk and needed to wash some bottles. I told him it'd take me a minute to get ready and he went off to play. I went into the kitchen and proceeded to work on washing the bottles. My body. It ached. SO very much. I cried. I cried over washing bottles. Over the Spaghetti O's and Beans & Weenies I knew I'd be feeding my children for dinner because it was all I had left to give. I told myself "It's okay! Cry! Let these tears out while the kids aren't around to see you weak. Then you suck it up and you hold your head high." And I did just that. I was weak over a few baby bottles. Then I marched back to the bedrooms and managed to get through the rest. I was bummed that my DS3's bath wasn't with one of his parents, but what better alternative than an older brother? It was an amazing bonding experience for all parties. I gave DS2 the job of Photographer because I was NOT missing this moment. I knew I ran the risk of not getting a single good photo because DS2 is 4 years old, but least I'd have half pictures. haha! Everyone had a job to do and everyone did great! Both olders were extremely helpful all the way through the end. DS2 didn't even complain when I apologized to him that he had to have Beans & Weenies. He hates Beans & Weenies, but he said "It's okay Mom! Thank you for dinner!" God has blessed me. Beyond measure! I have 3 very healthy children. He's given me the strength to train them to be helpful and loving up and to this point. God gives us all Grace. He gives us grace and strength to get through times that are rough. And these are the stories we need to share as fellow Mommies! Stories that let other Mom's know "You're not alone!" Stories that let others know just how weak you may be some times. And I was weak today. As I sit typing this the baby is ready to eat again, I haven't eaten, the olders aren't ready for bed yet and my body it hurts. SO BADLY. But I keep pushing through! I won't give up because these are the days that define you as a Mom. These are the times that God gives you grace for yelling at your kids because you're short tempered. So Mom's, I'm sharing my story as encouragement to you! Raising children is NOT for the faint of heart. Not even one little bit. But if God has blessed you with children, push through! Because it's what HE needs from you!

I had to share a few pictures from today! I'd also like to note that we ventured out on our first errand. So I'll share that picture as well!


Hang in there Mommies! It isn't always like this, and when it is, remind yourself that you are NOT alone and you WILL survive!

April Is Military Child Month....

I decided to blog an open letter to my special Military children! 

My Handsome Brilliant Military Brats, 

     You have been asked to sacrifice so much in your little lives. At this point in time, you don't have the knowledge to grasp the gravity of those sacrifices! You both (soon to be three of you) have been born into this life. It's all you know! Yet, it isn't easy just because it's been all you've known. We're coming up on our second PCS (Permanent Change of Station) as a family. We have remained in one place for quite awhile. Five years to be exact. Two of you will be born in at this current station. We've gone through so many life changes besides the ups and downs of military life. Mommy had cancer and that disrupted two years of our lives! Two very crazy years in which you all bounced from place to place with not much stability in between. Not to mention all the emotions that come with that. You all were very young when the roughest part of our lives happened but again, doesn't mean it was easy. You've been brought into this family without choice. God blessed our marriage with three healthy children. Three children who didn't choose their parents or the life their parents have chosen to live. As parents we did take time to consider the option of bringing children into this hectic military life style. We weighed whether it was smart, whether you all could handle it, whether we as parents could handle it. The answer came when God spoke to our hearts and said we weren't to prevent children from coming into our marriage. I also took Matthew 6:25-34 to heart. "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself...." We knew that if God blessed us with children then it was meant to be. We believe in our hearts that this is the life God wants us to live currently. We take it day by day.  Rather station by station, transfer by transfer. This upcoming PCS will probably be the first that you will actually remember. The first of many!  We happen to be going to a place where you all are familiar with and excited about. Yet that hasn't stopped the sadness of leaving behind the life you've known for so long. We know this isn't your conviction and life you've chosen to live.  Yet we ask it of you! More, demand it of you! As an adult Daddy chose to sign up to serve his country! And as a wife, Mommy chose to marry and get on board with this life style as well. There's been no choice for you! You deserve much more recognition than you'll ever receive. You will be asked to be without your Daddy more times than most of your peers. You will be asked to move from state to state sometimes, without much notice. With everything you've been asked to sacrifice please know this. We love you! You're more than a blessing to our family. No matter how often Daddy is gone, or how frequently you have to say good-bye to friends, know that you are strong. You are learning so many life skills that most children will never learn. And yes, it won't be easy but believe that there will be benefits. For one, you get to help our country be protected! You get to have a Daddy who helps others. You get to have parents who serve Christ no matter the sacrifices. These sacrifices, you are being made to make, will bless your hearts and minds. Even though you don't know it right now, I promise that it will! I also promise to always support you when you may not have the words to express how difficult and challenging things are. I will love you even when you don't love me or this life we live. Above all, always know that God is there for you! When everything in your life is chaotic and you don't understand or you're angry, God will always be there to listen. HE is ever present in your hearts and minds. HE never moves. He never goes to sea for months at a time. HE is always patient, loving and kind. So my dear sons, as you grow in this life, please know that Mommy and Daddy love you! We respect and admire the fact that you're living a life you didn't choose! Also know that God is there all the time. And HE will never fade!  You are amazing, resilient and blessed. Always remember that! Thank you for the constant sacrifice you make! 

Much Love! 

Your Mother

Scars

I decided to finally blog about something that's been on my heart and mind for awhile now. Scars. I have so many physical scars. There's stretch marks, gall bladder scars, port scar, c-section, heck! I even have scars at the back of my throat from my tonsils. I definitely have a flawed body. Even at my most self conscious though, scars have never bothered me. My port was more sensitive only because, uh, cancer! Nothing I ever predicted going through and a scar for something that last a week and caused me much pain. Like, literally, pain. But it didn't take me long to get over having that scar. I see and hear about products or even just oils or vitamins that you can put on your scars to heal them so you have clear skin. I just find myself not interested. I think maybe my port scar took a bit longer to get over because people can see it. Unless I wear a turtle neck, it's always visible. I can hide all my other ones. So after thinking about it, I started to wonder WHY it doesn't bother me.  So much does about my physical appearance so you'd assume that scars were automatically one of them. I got my first stretch mark around 13 years old. Puberty kinda happens fast and sudden. haha! After thinking about it, I realize I'm actually proud of my scars. Every one represents something. Yeah sure, most of them aren't fun times. My c-section scar and belly stretch marks are easy to love. Because they brought life. I feel so honored and grateful to even have those scars. I know so many women who haven't experienced pregnancy and want to. I know so many women who've struggled to bring life into the world period. God chose me! He chose me to carry 3 lives and bring 3 lives (even if not my planned way) into this world safely! (well, we're still working on the 3rd, but we're close! haha) What an honor! And a blessing! Oh sure! I totally could've rubbed lotion/creams on my belly all pregnancy to prevent the marks, but I just had zero desire. I found my heart desiring to see those physical imperfections. Every single time I look at them, they bring nothing but good memories for me. There are other scars that bring bad memories. For example the suffering with my gall bladder. My goodness. Awful. Awful awful awful! So much pain. So much time away from my newborn first born child. So many trips to the hospital. My first ambulance ride which was very scary to do alone. Just not good feelings associated with my gall bladder. However, once it was out, oh man! Bliss! I felt 100% better immediately! Yet theses scars that are from pain, don't bother me one bit either. Again, I think I struggled a bit with my port scar because my port was literally in there a week and it caused lots of pain for me as well. However, I still don't have an issue with those scars. Why? Because I went through them! I like the reminder that I'm stronger than I ever imagined! To me, even for the "bad scars" its a blessing. God chose me to have these struggles. He chose me to go through cancer. Over the years you start to learn small reasons why God allowed you those struggles. I know I've been able to help so many friends out with cancer or gall bladder issues. I've been able to advise them! It's been a blessing to me, honestly. God allowed theses scars to happen and they make me feel loved by HIM. Then there's silly scars like my belly button ring scar. haha It just makes me laugh. I love piercings. Always have. I've always gotten them for myself. But I was also young, unwise and poor. So I paid some guy to pierce my belly button. It took FOREVER to heal and heal it did. Literally, as it healed it pushed my ring out. The entire thing healed up. hahahaha! That's what happens when you do things and you're broke. The guy who pierced me, pierced it too shallow. So I had a belly button ring for all of 6-8 months. And it left a pretty nasty scar. It just makes me giggle how much youth plays a roll in your life. All of the scraped knees and bruised elbows during childhood, and a belly button ring is how I get a scar! The shortly after that I sliced my thumb open on a tuna can! First one in my family to earn stitches! I was an ADULT! 6 stitches folks! Yup. Things like that just make me giggle! So the long and short of this, is a plea to all of you ladies who are self conscious about your scars! Please don't spend money trying to get rid of what journey God has blessed you with! Be proud! Good, bad, stupid, it doesn't matter. It's all a part of your story! It makes you who you are. And even if you get rid of them or prevent them, it's still your journey! Accept it! Embrace it! Love yourself! All of yourself!

Why Thank Ya, Ma'am!

So today the husband and I had a unique experience today! For about 2 months now I've had plans to attend a used baby stuff sale! I asked my man to take the day off (since he was going to be gone all day) so that he could help me carry anything big and in general, assist me, because I'm 8.5mo pregnant now. Plus we needed bigger things like a crib, swing etc. There was no way I was going to be able to do that myself! He willingly took the day off! At this point, I was completely ready to collect stuff for Baby number 3's arrival. I got a list in hand, dropped the older boys off at the sitters, and pulled plenty of cash out. Things have been pretty rough around here lately. We found out that we'll have to move earlier than expected and also his assignment was a surprise. It's been a lot to handle. A lot of negatives and stress. Plus add in the fact that I'm towards the end of my pregnancy, my hormones have gotten the best of me many times. There's just been lots more crying (I'm NOT a crier typically) and general upset in our house lately. We have a lot to accomplish and not a lot of time to do it. All of this is to say, it's been rough around here. Not very many pleasant times. So I think we were finally ready for some sunshine and time to check quite a few things off our list. We dropped the boys off at the sitters and headed to the sale! We were pretty chatty in the car. Going over the "Must Haves" list and game plan of who would do what and go where. When we got there a line was already forming out the door. So we decided to get in line. The sun was shining, we'd had some coffee to fuel the bodies for the upcoming work! We were just standing there, chatting about any and everything. To be honest, I don't really remember what. I just remember chatting. After about 20 minutes, the lady in front of us turns around and says "Are you guys really good friends? Cause you sound like REALLY good friends!" I was completely stunned and taken back! For a second I considered if she was making fun of us or something. She was not. It was a 100% genuine compliment. We started chuckling and I responded that we're married. She said that she didn't wanna assume, but it just really sounded like we were good friends. We thanked her and I told her that we're going on 7 years of marriage so I took it as a serious awesome compliment. That is BY far the best compliment I've ever received about our marriage. In the beginning of our marriage and short courtship, I never really thought of him as my best friend. I had two very best girl friends. I just couldn't imagine anyone taking their place. Plus, I mean, they're girls. They get me. There was NO doubt that I loved my man and I wanted to spend my life with him. I just had no idea that such a friendship could and would grow. I used to hate the cards and wedding vows that said "I'm marrying my best friend." It just didn't make sense to me. In my eyes, I'd had such a phenomenal experience with my best girl friends that it almost seemed cruel to say that this "new guy" was now my best friend. Over the years life has definitely had it's challenges. We've been through so much. Not even marital challenges. Just life. There's a movie that hubby and I like to watch. Couples Retreat with Vince Vaughn. In the movie Vince Vaughn and his wife are the couple that really get along. But when they're sitting with a therapist he asks them why their marriage works. Their response was "Well, we make it through life together." It's a comedy so there's quite a bit of humor in the therapists response. But it always reminds me of my marriage. We never fight. Even if we disagree, we really sit down and work through it. Sure, we get fed up with each other. Sure, sometimes I really don't like him. Sometimes he really doesn't like me. But we've never had any serious issues, maritally. We both have the same Christian views and opinions which really helps too! Over the past few years (especially after I had cancer) I started viewing life differently. I was learning more and more. I learned to appreciate my man. He'd stood by my side through cancer without waiver. More and more he'd become my emotional support. A lot of the people I expected to be there for my emotional needs, just weren't. He was there long after the cancer was in remission. He say my day to day struggles. My fight. I appreciated that more than words can describe. During my lowest roughest point in life, there was ONE person who continually saw my fight and continued supporting me to do so. And that was my husband. More and more, a deeper love and friendship developed. About a year ago, I found myself thinking "He really is my best friend." When I'm sick, he's who I want. When I'm not happy, he's who I want to make me happy. When I have exciting news, I wanna call him and tell him right away! Not that I hadn't been that way somewhat, before. But it was just a whole new level. So to be completely involved in my life talking and chatting with him, and have a complete stranger notice the friendship and connection, it really touched my heart. As the day as passed, I just keep thinking back to it. By far the best compliment anyone has ever said to us! So I thought I would blog this moment to remember. And share with you all! I love marriage! I love our Christ centered marriage. I love that life hasn't been easy. I love that I've changed my views on friendship and marriage and what it could be. I'm glad that God knows better than me and blessed me with such a blessing as the man I married.

For you single friends of mine. Hang on! Don't settle because you're lonely. Because I PROMISE you! This is so worth the wait. Because even when you think you know what you're getting, you so don't! So hang on friends! :-)

How Do You Do It?

So I've been getting this question a LOT lately! It's a bit more futuristic because I'm currently pregnant with my third boy. (Yes, you read that right, THIRD BOY!) They say "How are you going to do it?" "How are you going to survive?" I also just found out that my main person, my number one support, will now be basically living at sea. So for the next three years, I'm going to have to raise 3 boys by myself. Oh sure, when Daddy is home and in port, we'll get to see him here or there, but it's all going to be on my shoulders to hold our family together while he is gone. Raising an opposite gender, alone. We also homeschool. Yes! We're a military homeschooling family. Could it get busier and crazier than that? Yup. Mostly from the more children I plan to add to my house. Yes, you read that right. I highly doubt we're stopping at 3. We've always had a heart to adopt so that's still on our To-Do List. I'm not sure what plans God has for my womb, but I highly doubt this is my last birth child. This baby was unplanned and people ask me "Did you do that on purpose?" or "Well if this one was unplanned, is it your last?" I seriously get people digging way deep into my personal life. This is strangers, people! Strangers ask me these things! It's crazy what people feel comfortable with asking you! Anyways, when I tell people our very loose "plans" they look at me like I've officially lost my mind. Like "How is she that crazy to seem okay with doing it?"  Just now I read an article online from a fellow Christian Momma! She has 5 kids. The article spoke so much to me because she started out the same way I did. Two boys first 18 (though mine are 17) months apart. So many of the things she talked about I could personally relate to. You can read that blog post here. After reading her article I knew I had to do my own version!


So here goes, how do I do it? Like the blog post I read, there are so many "its" to this question.
"How do you deal with never sleeping?"
"How do you take care of that many children?"
"How do you ever get time with your husband?"
"How do you do it?" is such a loaded question. But I totally understand everything people are saying behind those big eyes when they ask it. In the blog post I read she described how she had to find the own beat to her drum. And that's a huge key to it all! I've always loved listening to older and younger women who are mothers. Well, honestly, I love gleaning any wisdom I can off anyone who's been through an experience I haven't or maybe I have. Young, old, doesn't usually matter. I just love hearing of other people's experiences and learning from it. I've said for a long time now, that I truly believe God gave me a gift of gleaning wisdom. This has made itself more evident in my parenting. People will say "oh! That's so smart! I never thought of doing that!" Well, ha! Neither did I! God just gave me the gift of listening to other people's wisdom and stealing ideas! Haha! Even with all the tips I've taken in and adapted and used in my own life, there's plenty I've blown to the side and have long since forgotten what they were. Why? Because I learned a long time ago that what works for one person may not work for another. We are individuals for a reason! God made us that way! In a lot of ways I'm similar to my Mom and how she raised us. But in a lot of ways I'm VERY different. For example I don't ever remember going to bed at night and there being dishes in my Mom's sink. My house? Ha! There's almost always dishes. I've long since learned to stop beating myself up over what some other Mother does that seems better than the way I do it. Not that I can't still learn new tricks or ideas! But in general, I just continue to glean what I can and forget everything that doesn't work for me. A good example of this, is my homeschooling life. Yes! We homeschool. My oldest is about to turn 6 so the course load isn't heavy. My next youngest is only 4.5yrs. So I only have a 5 and 4 year old to homeschool and its quite simply, cake! Both my husband and I grew up homeschooled. I did finish my junior year and go to a local community college for 2 years. But homeschooling is basically all my husband and I grew up knowing. I however, adore children. So I've had many years of experience being a teachers helper, working in public school classrooms, nannying, babysitting....basically anything that involved children, I was all for doing! I dedicated my life towards it until I had my own. Then obviously life got a little more "me" focused. Like focusing on raising MY family instead of everyone else's. I grew up thinking I would homeschool my children. More and more I don't like what I'm seeing in public school and I can't afford a private Christian school. So, I just assumed I'd homeschool. Husband and I decided that before we even got married. "How do you feel about homeschooling future children?" "I like it." Done! Problem solved. However, once I actually started doing it, I became a bit overwhelmed at how "Hard" it could be. Yes, teaching Kindergarten. The one grade that's SOOOOO simple! "Cut this paper!" "Color inside these lines!" How can that be hard? Well, when two children who are in two different learning areas who have two different needs, need to be taught by the same ONE person, it can lead to challenges. At first I kept listening to everything my Mom said. I mean, obviously she's no dummy! She homeschooled 4 children herself. I learned very quickly that I am NOT my mother. So I started reaching out to other resources and gleaning information. I've never been the type of mother to push my kids towards being the best at everything. I'm quite laid back when it comes to that stuff. So what my almost 6 year old can't exactly identify every letter in the alphabet? I had a minor stressing session where I'm like "How can he not know the names of these letters?" But then he told me how each letter sounds! And then, my youngest, who seems so much slower at things (who I refer to as my challenge child) starts saying the sounds of each letter and pronouncing them all correctly! I hadn't even worked with my youngest on this. He'd simply heard what I was doing with his brother and now both of them can do that. That was one of "those Moments" for me. The moment when a light bulb comes on and you think 'Oh! I'm not doing so bad! I need to not stress over this!' For me, it goes deeper. For me it's a lesson that God is teaching my heart. How do I homeschool? Some days I don't! Some days I simple don't do a gosh darn thing. Some days I make them get their own breakfast and tell them to watch movies or play in their room all day. Gleaning wisdom from others has convicted my heart. God has had small lessons here or there to show me that I'm not perfect. I have much to learn! Just like as God's child, I still have much to learn. HE is with me every step of the way. Molding my heart and showing me how it should be done! Which brings me to my final point.


How do I do all of this and expect to add more children? Quite simply, God! I don't know HIS plans. Yes of course I have an idea of what I want from life. But having cancer 2.5 years ago has shown me that my plans don't always work out. I wanted to pop out baby after baby until I turned 30. I will be 30 in 2 weeks and I'm still baking my third child, I've had cancer, post partum depression, PTSD, depression...a whole slew of medical issues. I'm still standing. I'm still here. Having kids or not having kids doesn't change the plans God has for me. I look to HIM to get me through when I'm weak and when I'm strong. I truly feel him speaking to my heart on a consistent basis. Not once has God ever said "I'm gonna make life really easy for you!" I joke sometimes saying "I just really wish God could send me an email of the highlights of my life. 'Okay, this is going to happen to you this year.' and things like that." Well as much as I joke like that, I wouldn't change the way HE's set my life up. It's been rough. I've down right been angry at God many more times than I'd like to share. But how do we learn if HE were to tell us everything? We are hard headed people. God enables for things to happen in my life and for me to deal with it. Is everything perfect in my house? Yes, because God is perfect and HE is in our household. HE is who I lean on and who I learn from! Does that mean my dishes are always done, my kids are always spotless or my floors are always vacuumed? Nope! Because that's not the definition of success! Success is when you are living up to your potential of what Gods created you to do! Why do we homeschool? Because God told us to. Why are we a military family? Because we feel this is where God wants us right now. Why do I plan on having more than 3 children? Because I feel that's where God is guiding my family! Can I be happy without all those things? Of course! Will I struggle if things don't go my way? Of course! Who doesn't? But thankfully I live for a very gracious God who loves me and my family and gives us everything we NEED. I can't imagine living any other way. So how do I do it? Because God is perfect. End of story! <3

My Cancer Story

Most of you know my "Cancer Story". But for those of you who don't, I thought I would write a more detailed version of my personal experience.


 In September 2011 I had my second baby boy. That was a journey in and of itself which landed me with pretty severe Post Partum Depression. (Been there, SO done that.) That took me until June of 2012 to start feeling normal again. I started working out, eating better and tackling life without medication. It went really well. By January of 2013 I'd lost about 40lbs. Excellent. Until all of a sudden I just felt drained. Looking back I remember the word Leukemia popping into my head. SO often! It's strange. I'd be showering and "Leukemia!" would pop into my head. Out of no where. Just the word alone. Weird. By February I was more tired. I'd completely stopped working out and I felt like I was barely surviving the day to day life. At the time my boys were almost 3 and 2. I figured it was normal for me to feel tired. With a military husband who is gone all the time and a new state in which we'd just settled in, I mean, come on! I should be tired! Made sense. I kept plugging away. By the end of March I was definitely feeling more drained and would get random headaches. I'm not one for headaches. I get them occasionally. But they started to become more frequent. I also fell at the end of March. I have a chronic sprain in my right ankle so when I saw the bruises and scrapes on that ankle I wasn't alarmed in the slightest. Although I was sure I'd broken something, I elevated, iced and took motrin. After a day or so, it was not even remotely feeling better. After getting xrays and investigating, we discovered that it was nothing more serious than a sprain! I was to stay with my foot elevated as much as possible. Keep doing what I was doing, basically. I remember no matter what I did, the swelling really never improved and the bruising. My goodness. It was awful. Well eventually I got a brace for it and gave up the "resting" life. Which brings us to May 2013. My brother was graduating college back home. (read: not the state we were currently living in) So we decide to pack up and head back home for a 3 week stay! I remember how tired I was. That's THE biggest thing that sticks in my memory. I had to pack and load up the car by myself because my husband was working. As soon as he got home we were leaving to drive through the night. So I did it all. I remember cleaning the house (always the last thing I do before leaving for a trip...that way when I come back, it's clean!) and just being exhausted! I didn't end up cleaning everything I wanted to because I simply couldn't move any more. By the time we were loaded up in the car on our way, I noticed severe swelling in my fingers and feet. I figured it was me being overworked. But as we traveled through mountains it got painfully worse. As in, when we stopped for bathroom breaks, it hurt to walk. Strange. By the time we finally reached our destination all I wanted to do was set up our air mattress and pass out for days. The first day of being there, just after we finished unpacking, I went to take a shower. We were staying at my girlfriends house. Her bathroom was set up a bit different than mine so when I turned to get into the shower after undressing, I could see my full naked body in the mirror. I noticed a very dark spot peaking out from my chest. I lifted up my right boob and there was a HUGE bruise under it. I was horrified. Thinking back, I knew in that moment. But in the moment, I was like "Well, that's weird...lemme shower and then I'll tell hubby I'm going to Urgent Care." When I was done showering I went into the bedroom where he was. I remember saying "I found a huge bruise under my boob. I haven't fallen....it doesn't even hurt to touch. Somethings NOT right. I'm going to Urgent Care." He agreed with me and then told me that he'd noticed a couple days ago, a huge bruise on my butt. I hadn't seen it or noticed. That just gave me a sinking feeling. Also, about a week before that, I'd started a new Prenatal Vitamin. (I wasn't pregnant, I just take prenatals regularly because I'm told they're the healthiest dose of vitamin for a woman!) I couldn't get rid of this metal taste in my mouth. And by the time I'd reached "Back Home" it was full blown. I almost could feel my jaw locking! I rushed to Urgent Care. Because my ankle had been so painful since the end of March, I had been taking a decent amount of Motrin. The Dr at Urgent care agreed the bruises weren't normal but said they'd do blood work. The next day (it was the 2nd day of us being "back home" Urgent Care called me with the results from my blood work. Keep in mind I had no idea about blood work at all! They said my numbers did seem low but being that I'd been taking Motrin, I just needed to stop taking it and I'd probably be fine. "Uh! Okay....." So I called my general Dr right away. I loved her and knew she'd be able to explain things better to me. Once I told her what was going on and she saw the blood work, she completely agreed that something was off. But because we were out of town, to just wait and come and see her right away when I got back. She said meanwhile, if ANY thing funky happens, to go straight to the hospital. Don't even bother with Urgent Care. Okay. Will do! I kept riding out my exhaustion and weird unexplained bruises. By 1.5 of being "back home" it really looked like someone had taken a baseball bat to me. I was bruised all over. I kept explaining the tiredness on being on "vacation" with a 3 and 2 year old. I mean, come on! There's no such thing as a vacation when they're that age. A couple of days before we're due to go back to our home, I start what I thought was an early period. Honestly, there was just so many signs saying "GET SOME REAL HELP, LADY!!!!" Did I listen? Nope! I just kept explaining everything away in my mind and trying to remain as normal as possible. At one point my husband even said "You don't look good!" And he NEVER says that. EVER! For guys, if you're reading this, you might wanna skip ahead a bit. Fair warning! ;-) My vaginal bleeding just started gushing. I happened to be at Walmart when it happened and I immediately soaked through my underwear and pants. So I went to get new underwear and pants. Plus all the lady essentials (plus pads and tampons). I changed and went on my way. That night I cooked dinner for my parents. The next day, I didn't wanna move. AT ALL. But we were due to visit my husband's family and I had a lunch date with a few good girlfriends that I did NOT wanna miss. The day drug on and the bleeding got worse. I remember telling my husband that I felt weak. I told him I was loosing a lot of blood but I thought it was stress. So he was in charge of the kiddos. I mostly sat and rested. At this point I was bleeding through a super pad and super tampon every 10-15min. So all I was doing was making bathroom trips constantly. My girlfriend picks me up for lunch and I explain to her in more vivid detail what was going on. She insists on taking me to the E.R. I refused to go without lunch. (Because lets be real a second.....they always STARVE you when you go to the ER. lol) So we joined up with the other friend and had lunch. A 30-45min lunch in which I had to go change my pad and tampon twice. After lunch we got cupcakes and headed to the E.R. Little did I know that'd be my last day out in the world for a long time. I went into Triage pretty quickly and when asked if I was bleeding through a pad OR tampon more than 3 in an hour, I replied with an emphatic "YES! Both." I was taken immediately back to a room. After that things are VERY fuzzy. The one thing that sticks in my mind is the ER Dr trying so very hard to remain calm, continually saying "Oh my God.....Oh....Oh....Oh my God." At one point everyone was basically on top of me asking if I was okay. I guess I looked like I was gonna pass out. There was just so much blood. They asked me to give a urine sample. That was a mess in and of itself. First of all, lets start with the fact that I'd lost so much blood I was just weak. My legs felt SO heavy. Plus there was just so much blood at this point that it was dried on the inside of my legs....when I tried to pee into a tiny cup...well...let's just say it was M-E-S-S-Y! I finally made it back to my triage bed and put my urine sample on the counter. I'd left a trail of blood from the bathroom back to my room. It was so awful! When the ER Dr saw my urine sample...she really couldn't hide her alarm any more. She decided I needed to be admitted. They kept asking me if I was sure I wasn't pregnant. I insisted that I wasn't. When they originally admitted me, it was to the OBGYN floor. I wasn't there more than 2hrs before being moved to the cancer floor. Only, I didn't know that's where I'd been moved to. I was SO out of it. Those next few days were a blur of blood, tests, blood transfusions, platelet transfusions, biopsies and everything else. By the time I was admitted my husband gave the kids to my Mom and headed over. We knew it wasn't good. Mostly because every time I asked "So what are you thinking it might be?" They completely avoided my question or wouldn't answer it. I'd been in the hospital (ER, really) enough to know that it's really serious if they don't give you a single clue what it could be.   It took about 3 days for them to finally come into my room and tell me what I had. At this point, I wasn't surprised. I knew. I knew all along. When the Dr's told me they paused, waiting for a reaction. I had none. Except "Okay....so what does that mean? What's the plan?" For those who don't know me, I've always been described as a "Happy Person". Always laughing, smiling and looking at the bright side. At this point, I was no different. Just crappy hair, pale skin and tired. They told me I had  Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia. APL. "If you're going to get cancer, this is one of the best kinds you can get." my Dr told my husband and I. "Oh...well...in that case....let's get on treatment and break up outta here!" haha At that point in time, we were already supposed to be back home and my husband was due to return back to work that coming up Monday. The Dr's said they couldn't discharge me to go back home for treatment. They'd just started to get a handle on my vaginal bleeding at my blood cancer cells were at 100%. They said had my friend, not brought me in whens he did, I could've easily died by the next day. Just from bleeding out. If the blood didn't get me, I would've died within the next couple of days since at that point in time I had NO good blood cells. Scary! I still praise God that my friend MADE me go. I wouldn't have gone. I just kept explaining things away. Plus my husband knew I didn't look well, but I hadn't gone into details about how bad it was, else he would've made me gone. But you know how it is with girlfriends. You can share certain things with them. Anyways, it was clear I couldn't leave the hospital. The Dr's explained that standard treatment for this type of cancer, is an initial 6 week hospital stay. You get put on isolation (especially for me because I was critical) and go through your first round of chemo. That next week was a blur! A surreal blur! A mix of telling family, making sure my Mom was okay to take my children for the summer, my husband trying to figure out what to do for work (ie:Do we transfer to "back home" or do initial treatment then go back home...or does he leave me and the kids and go back to work?), telling friends, tests, ports, biopsies, chemo etc. I was so blessed to have parents who did (without hesitation) take my children and raise them for the summer. I also had a husband who fought so hard to do what was best for all of us, be there for me, be there for the kids and still deal with all the inner workings of the military. (which by the way, did NOT go well. They were not there for us at all!) I had a best friend who got my FB password and helped respond to emails, update status' and volunteered to be a contact so I wasn't bothered. Even my friends back in the state we were living went above and beyond to be there for me, despite distance. Seriously, nothing but a hard time for you to realize who your friends are. Even people I hadn't heard from in a long time, popped up to ask what they could do! It was amazing! I didn't fully appreciate it then, because I seriously was fighting to stay awake. I ended up being in the hospital for just under 8 weeks. I missed my favorite holiday (4th of July) and being with my kids every day. They did come and visit but honestly, I barely remember it. It's all a blur for me. I had issues with my port. (What's a Port?)  That was an awful experience. They put it in and 12hrs later (probably not even quite that long) I spiked a fever. A vein on my shoulder flowing to my neck popped up. It was so painful. I had a tragus piercing in that ear, and puss started coming out of it. It was nasty. By the time they took me to get it out, I couldn't move my neck and I just had tears streaming down my face. We to this day, have no clue why it was such a problem. I believe that my body just rejected anything because I had nothing to give. They finally gave me a PICC line (What's a PICC line?) which can only be used temporarily, but it worked to get my chemo in and then when I was done for the week, they'd pull it out. We did that for the next 4 months. I don't remember what type of chemo I did. I called them Windex and Fruit Punch. They switched them back and forth.After my 8 week stay in the hospital, I then did 3 other rounds of chemo at a treatment center. It was very odd being there. I didn't make friends because everyone just stared at me. I was the youngest one there. Everyone else was much older. But it was okay because I brought my husband with me. And then a few times I brought my sister. I remember being so tired but loving hearing my husband sister giggle over a Scrabble game. It was honestly the fact that we just made the best out of the situation that got me through. Things like my husband completely re-doing my hospital room into this bright happy space! It was those things that made it all flow smoothly and not seem so bad!

I mean, how could you be sad with a hospital room like that?

Everyone in my life did everything they could to support a happy, positive atmosphere! It was fantastic and such a blessing. Most of the rest of 2013 was a blur. A lot of headaches from my Atra medicine (kinda like extra chemo...it was actually arsenic), sleeping, weakness, difficulty breathing and etc. By November 4th I was officially declared in remission and we took off to head back to our home. I can't tell you or explain in any kind of words how great of a feeling it was to be back in my own bed. Around my own things. In  house I'd set up and that held so many memories. At that point in time I thought "Well cancer isn't so bad!" Oh sure, I might not be able to have kids again, but there is adoption. It did make me so sad because I was NOT ready to stop having kids. That was my biggest struggle through treatment. Knowing I might never feel a baby inside of me, again. Other than that...It was a piece of cake. I didn't even throw up and get nauseous like most people do. What did I have to be sad about? Then came the year 2014. Pure hell for me. No other way to put it. Chemically my body was still off. I was still tired and trying to recover at the same time, jumping into raising two very active boys who I hadn't been with constantly for 6mo. Husband went back to work and I was stuck trying to figure out how to go on. I felt so detached. That's the best way to describe the beginning. Detached. Everything felt out of my control. Anger set in. Extreme anger. Anyone who knows me, knows that I was NOT myself that year. It didn't help that March of 2014 my grandmother who I was extremely close to, died suddenly. I shut down. Completely shut down. Thankfully, in the back of my mind I kept telling myself to fight. I started with counseling. Then medication. Then trying to tackle my health. My internal body was suffering badly. It still makes me shudder to think about that year. It took me well into the beginning of 2015 to start being "New Me". A lot changed for me. I'm so much more 'Normal' now. There's no way you can be the same after an experience like that. I was diagnosed with mild PTSD and depression with a slight mix of anxiety. I've fought so hard to be where I am. By summer 2015 I stopped medication, graduated counseling and by August 2015 I was pregnant. With my 3rd baby boy! Who's very healthy and happy! Due to be born April 29th, 2016. Every single day I'm grateful for a faithful husband who not only supported me but went above and beyond to hold things together and make everything better for us. For hair! Oh my goodness. I never EVER thought I'd feel about hair like I do no! It's a precious gift and the fact that I've finally gotten it down my back again, just amazing! Every single shower I take, I re-fall in love with my hair. haha It sounds silly, but it's true. Every tear I cry, I'm thankful I'm still hear to cry it. I'm also thankful that I'm through that depression anger stage. I find I'm still going through stages. It's VERY difficult for me to talk about 2014. I honestly find myself in denial that it ever happened to begin with. But I've also gained some self esteem from this experience. I had such low self esteem before. And now? I learn to appreciate my opinions and decisions. I learn to appreciate my will to fight. I appreciate believing in a God who pulled me through all of it AND gave me the gift of life. Cancer is not easy! And my journey was not easy. But it's what God gave to me. A special unique experience just for me! The lessons I learned and the support I gained. What a blessing!


Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

1 Samuel 1:10&11 And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord, and wept sore. And she vowed a vow, and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head.