In September 2011 I had my second baby boy. That was a journey in and of itself which landed me with pretty severe Post Partum Depression. (Been there, SO done that.) That took me until June of 2012 to start feeling normal again. I started working out, eating better and tackling life without medication. It went really well. By January of 2013 I'd lost about 40lbs. Excellent. Until all of a sudden I just felt drained. Looking back I remember the word Leukemia popping into my head. SO often! It's strange. I'd be showering and "Leukemia!" would pop into my head. Out of no where. Just the word alone. Weird. By February I was more tired. I'd completely stopped working out and I felt like I was barely surviving the day to day life. At the time my boys were almost 3 and 2. I figured it was normal for me to feel tired. With a military husband who is gone all the time and a new state in which we'd just settled in, I mean, come on! I should be tired! Made sense. I kept plugging away. By the end of March I was definitely feeling more drained and would get random headaches. I'm not one for headaches. I get them occasionally. But they started to become more frequent. I also fell at the end of March. I have a chronic sprain in my right ankle so when I saw the bruises and scrapes on that ankle I wasn't alarmed in the slightest. Although I was sure I'd broken something, I elevated, iced and took motrin. After a day or so, it was not even remotely feeling better. After getting xrays and investigating, we discovered that it was nothing more serious than a sprain! I was to stay with my foot elevated as much as possible. Keep doing what I was doing, basically. I remember no matter what I did, the swelling really never improved and the bruising. My goodness. It was awful. Well eventually I got a brace for it and gave up the "resting" life. Which brings us to May 2013. My brother was graduating college back home. (read: not the state we were currently living in) So we decide to pack up and head back home for a 3 week stay! I remember how tired I was. That's THE biggest thing that sticks in my memory. I had to pack and load up the car by myself because my husband was working. As soon as he got home we were leaving to drive through the night. So I did it all. I remember cleaning the house (always the last thing I do before leaving for a trip...that way when I come back, it's clean!) and just being exhausted! I didn't end up cleaning everything I wanted to because I simply couldn't move any more. By the time we were loaded up in the car on our way, I noticed severe swelling in my fingers and feet. I figured it was me being overworked. But as we traveled through mountains it got painfully worse. As in, when we stopped for bathroom breaks, it hurt to walk. Strange. By the time we finally reached our destination all I wanted to do was set up our air mattress and pass out for days. The first day of being there, just after we finished unpacking, I went to take a shower. We were staying at my girlfriends house. Her bathroom was set up a bit different than mine so when I turned to get into the shower after undressing, I could see my full naked body in the mirror. I noticed a very dark spot peaking out from my chest. I lifted up my right boob and there was a HUGE bruise under it. I was horrified. Thinking back, I knew in that moment. But in the moment, I was like "Well, that's weird...lemme shower and then I'll tell hubby I'm going to Urgent Care." When I was done showering I went into the bedroom where he was. I remember saying "I found a huge bruise under my boob. I haven't fallen....it doesn't even hurt to touch. Somethings NOT right. I'm going to Urgent Care." He agreed with me and then told me that he'd noticed a couple days ago, a huge bruise on my butt. I hadn't seen it or noticed. That just gave me a sinking feeling. Also, about a week before that, I'd started a new Prenatal Vitamin. (I wasn't pregnant, I just take prenatals regularly because I'm told they're the healthiest dose of vitamin for a woman!) I couldn't get rid of this metal taste in my mouth. And by the time I'd reached "Back Home" it was full blown. I almost could feel my jaw locking! I rushed to Urgent Care. Because my ankle had been so painful since the end of March, I had been taking a decent amount of Motrin. The Dr at Urgent care agreed the bruises weren't normal but said they'd do blood work. The next day (it was the 2nd day of us being "back home" Urgent Care called me with the results from my blood work. Keep in mind I had no idea about blood work at all! They said my numbers did seem low but being that I'd been taking Motrin, I just needed to stop taking it and I'd probably be fine. "Uh! Okay....." So I called my general Dr right away. I loved her and knew she'd be able to explain things better to me. Once I told her what was going on and she saw the blood work, she completely agreed that something was off. But because we were out of town, to just wait and come and see her right away when I got back. She said meanwhile, if ANY thing funky happens, to go straight to the hospital. Don't even bother with Urgent Care. Okay. Will do! I kept riding out my exhaustion and weird unexplained bruises. By 1.5 of being "back home" it really looked like someone had taken a baseball bat to me. I was bruised all over. I kept explaining the tiredness on being on "vacation" with a 3 and 2 year old. I mean, come on! There's no such thing as a vacation when they're that age. A couple of days before we're due to go back to our home, I start what I thought was an early period. Honestly, there was just so many signs saying "GET SOME REAL HELP, LADY!!!!" Did I listen? Nope! I just kept explaining everything away in my mind and trying to remain as normal as possible. At one point my husband even said "You don't look good!" And he NEVER says that. EVER! For guys, if you're reading this, you might wanna skip ahead a bit. Fair warning! ;-) My vaginal bleeding just started gushing. I happened to be at Walmart when it happened and I immediately soaked through my underwear and pants. So I went to get new underwear and pants. Plus all the lady essentials (plus pads and tampons). I changed and went on my way. That night I cooked dinner for my parents. The next day, I didn't wanna move. AT ALL. But we were due to visit my husband's family and I had a lunch date with a few good girlfriends that I did NOT wanna miss. The day drug on and the bleeding got worse. I remember telling my husband that I felt weak. I told him I was loosing a lot of blood but I thought it was stress. So he was in charge of the kiddos. I mostly sat and rested. At this point I was bleeding through a super pad and super tampon every 10-15min. So all I was doing was making bathroom trips constantly. My girlfriend picks me up for lunch and I explain to her in more vivid detail what was going on. She insists on taking me to the E.R. I refused to go without lunch. (Because lets be real a second.....they always STARVE you when you go to the ER. lol) So we joined up with the other friend and had lunch. A 30-45min lunch in which I had to go change my pad and tampon twice. After lunch we got cupcakes and headed to the E.R. Little did I know that'd be my last day out in the world for a long time. I went into Triage pretty quickly and when asked if I was bleeding through a pad OR tampon more than 3 in an hour, I replied with an emphatic "YES! Both." I was taken immediately back to a room. After that things are VERY fuzzy. The one thing that sticks in my mind is the ER Dr trying so very hard to remain calm, continually saying "Oh my God.....Oh....Oh....Oh my God." At one point everyone was basically on top of me asking if I was okay. I guess I looked like I was gonna pass out. There was just so much blood. They asked me to give a urine sample. That was a mess in and of itself. First of all, lets start with the fact that I'd lost so much blood I was just weak. My legs felt SO heavy. Plus there was just so much blood at this point that it was dried on the inside of my legs....when I tried to pee into a tiny cup...well...let's just say it was M-E-S-S-Y! I finally made it back to my triage bed and put my urine sample on the counter. I'd left a trail of blood from the bathroom back to my room. It was so awful! When the ER Dr saw my urine sample...she really couldn't hide her alarm any more. She decided I needed to be admitted. They kept asking me if I was sure I wasn't pregnant. I insisted that I wasn't. When they originally admitted me, it was to the OBGYN floor. I wasn't there more than 2hrs before being moved to the cancer floor. Only, I didn't know that's where I'd been moved to. I was SO out of it. Those next few days were a blur of blood, tests, blood transfusions, platelet transfusions, biopsies and everything else. By the time I was admitted my husband gave the kids to my Mom and headed over. We knew it wasn't good. Mostly because every time I asked "So what are you thinking it might be?" They completely avoided my question or wouldn't answer it. I'd been in the hospital (ER, really) enough to know that it's really serious if they don't give you a single clue what it could be. It took about 3 days for them to finally come into my room and tell me what I had. At this point, I wasn't surprised. I knew. I knew all along. When the Dr's told me they paused, waiting for a reaction. I had none. Except "Okay....so what does that mean? What's the plan?" For those who don't know me, I've always been described as a "Happy Person". Always laughing, smiling and looking at the bright side. At this point, I was no different. Just crappy hair, pale skin and tired. They told me I had Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia. APL. "If you're going to get cancer, this is one of the best kinds you can get." my Dr told my husband and I. "Oh...well...in that case....let's get on treatment and break up outta here!" haha At that point in time, we were already supposed to be back home and my husband was due to return back to work that coming up Monday. The Dr's said they couldn't discharge me to go back home for treatment. They'd just started to get a handle on my vaginal bleeding at my blood cancer cells were at 100%. They said had my friend, not brought me in whens he did, I could've easily died by the next day. Just from bleeding out. If the blood didn't get me, I would've died within the next couple of days since at that point in time I had NO good blood cells. Scary! I still praise God that my friend MADE me go. I wouldn't have gone. I just kept explaining things away. Plus my husband knew I didn't look well, but I hadn't gone into details about how bad it was, else he would've made me gone. But you know how it is with girlfriends. You can share certain things with them. Anyways, it was clear I couldn't leave the hospital. The Dr's explained that standard treatment for this type of cancer, is an initial 6 week hospital stay. You get put on isolation (especially for me because I was critical) and go through your first round of chemo. That next week was a blur! A surreal blur! A mix of telling family, making sure my Mom was okay to take my children for the summer, my husband trying to figure out what to do for work (ie:Do we transfer to "back home" or do initial treatment then go back home...or does he leave me and the kids and go back to work?), telling friends, tests, ports, biopsies, chemo etc. I was so blessed to have parents who did (without hesitation) take my children and raise them for the summer. I also had a husband who fought so hard to do what was best for all of us, be there for me, be there for the kids and still deal with all the inner workings of the military. (which by the way, did NOT go well. They were not there for us at all!) I had a best friend who got my FB password and helped respond to emails, update status' and volunteered to be a contact so I wasn't bothered. Even my friends back in the state we were living went above and beyond to be there for me, despite distance. Seriously, nothing but a hard time for you to realize who your friends are. Even people I hadn't heard from in a long time, popped up to ask what they could do! It was amazing! I didn't fully appreciate it then, because I seriously was fighting to stay awake. I ended up being in the hospital for just under 8 weeks. I missed my favorite holiday (4th of July) and being with my kids every day. They did come and visit but honestly, I barely remember it. It's all a blur for me. I had issues with my port. (What's a Port?) That was an awful experience. They put it in and 12hrs later (probably not even quite that long) I spiked a fever. A vein on my shoulder flowing to my neck popped up. It was so painful. I had a tragus piercing in that ear, and puss started coming out of it. It was nasty. By the time they took me to get it out, I couldn't move my neck and I just had tears streaming down my face. We to this day, have no clue why it was such a problem. I believe that my body just rejected anything because I had nothing to give. They finally gave me a PICC line (What's a PICC line?) which can only be used temporarily, but it worked to get my chemo in and then when I was done for the week, they'd pull it out. We did that for the next 4 months. I don't remember what type of chemo I did. I called them Windex and Fruit Punch. They switched them back and forth.After my 8 week stay in the hospital, I then did 3 other rounds of chemo at a treatment center. It was very odd being there. I didn't make friends because everyone just stared at me. I was the youngest one there. Everyone else was much older. But it was okay because I brought my husband with me. And then a few times I brought my sister. I remember being so tired but loving hearing my husband sister giggle over a Scrabble game. It was honestly the fact that we just made the best out of the situation that got me through. Things like my husband completely re-doing my hospital room into this bright happy space! It was those things that made it all flow smoothly and not seem so bad!
Everyone in my life did everything they could to support a happy, positive atmosphere! It was fantastic and such a blessing. Most of the rest of 2013 was a blur. A lot of headaches from my Atra medicine (kinda like extra chemo...it was actually arsenic), sleeping, weakness, difficulty breathing and etc. By November 4th I was officially declared in remission and we took off to head back to our home. I can't tell you or explain in any kind of words how great of a feeling it was to be back in my own bed. Around my own things. In house I'd set up and that held so many memories. At that point in time I thought "Well cancer isn't so bad!" Oh sure, I might not be able to have kids again, but there is adoption. It did make me so sad because I was NOT ready to stop having kids. That was my biggest struggle through treatment. Knowing I might never feel a baby inside of me, again. Other than that...It was a piece of cake. I didn't even throw up and get nauseous like most people do. What did I have to be sad about? Then came the year 2014. Pure hell for me. No other way to put it. Chemically my body was still off. I was still tired and trying to recover at the same time, jumping into raising two very active boys who I hadn't been with constantly for 6mo. Husband went back to work and I was stuck trying to figure out how to go on. I felt so detached. That's the best way to describe the beginning. Detached. Everything felt out of my control. Anger set in. Extreme anger. Anyone who knows me, knows that I was NOT myself that year. It didn't help that March of 2014 my grandmother who I was extremely close to, died suddenly. I shut down. Completely shut down. Thankfully, in the back of my mind I kept telling myself to fight. I started with counseling. Then medication. Then trying to tackle my health. My internal body was suffering badly. It still makes me shudder to think about that year. It took me well into the beginning of 2015 to start being "New Me". A lot changed for me. I'm so much more 'Normal' now. There's no way you can be the same after an experience like that. I was diagnosed with mild PTSD and depression with a slight mix of anxiety. I've fought so hard to be where I am. By summer 2015 I stopped medication, graduated counseling and by August 2015 I was pregnant. With my 3rd baby boy! Who's very healthy and happy! Due to be born April 29th, 2016. Every single day I'm grateful for a faithful husband who not only supported me but went above and beyond to hold things together and make everything better for us. For hair! Oh my goodness. I never EVER thought I'd feel about hair like I do no! It's a precious gift and the fact that I've finally gotten it down my back again, just amazing! Every single shower I take, I re-fall in love with my hair. haha It sounds silly, but it's true. Every tear I cry, I'm thankful I'm still hear to cry it. I'm also thankful that I'm through that depression anger stage. I find I'm still going through stages. It's VERY difficult for me to talk about 2014. I honestly find myself in denial that it ever happened to begin with. But I've also gained some self esteem from this experience. I had such low self esteem before. And now? I learn to appreciate my opinions and decisions. I learn to appreciate my will to fight. I appreciate believing in a God who pulled me through all of it AND gave me the gift of life. Cancer is not easy! And my journey was not easy. But it's what God gave to me. A special unique experience just for me! The lessons I learned and the support I gained. What a blessing!
Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
1 Samuel 1:10&11 And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the Lord, and wept sore. And she vowed a vow, and said, O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life, and there shall no razor come upon his head.
