Convictions

Before I start this blog post I want to give a disclaimer! This post is about ME! Specifically me! I'm not talking about anyone else. It's about me and my personal deep convictions through Christ and the Bible. This post is NOT to start an argument and it is NOT a way of  trying to get someone to prove me wrong or praise me. This post is not about getting praise. It's about sharing with you all my convictions! Being real. That's all! :-)


Now that's out of the way! ;-) Lately God's really been convicting my heart! My life has been going amazing as of the past 2 months. I mean, everything's pretty much just flowed easily and I haven't had any REAL struggles. I mean, for me, I was kinda surprised. Like, almost holding my breath waiting for the bad to happen. Over the past 2 years it's just felt like one thing after another for me personally. Health. Mental. Even spiritual. I'd start to pick myself back up and get knocked down again. When I reflect on my life and my attitude over the past 2 years, shame is mostly what I feel. Some of you may be surprised to find this out. But, I truly feel shameful. Why? Well, I've acted childish to say the least. For most of my life people have praised me on my positive attitude! My ability to always smile and be happy. In fact it's a huge reason my husband married me. (among other things of course! lol)  As a teen, I never got into trouble. The worst I can say I did was have 2 whole drinks before the age of 21. I waited to have sex before marriage. I waited to be serious with dating until I found someone worth it. I got married, started a family. Everything was great. Flowing smoothly. My faith in God was strong. I had Christian supportive friends and family. Really....life was perfect. If I could think of any life I'd want...I had it. Then came life after having my second child. Postpartum depression. Add in a crying baby that cried NON STOP for the first year of his life. Well, you don't have a lovely picture. That nice life, seems a bit tainted now. Finally we broke through that. I got off anti depressants, felt more myself, got my son allergy tested, got him on the right track...life was looking up! I started working out. Loosing weight and feeling great, positive, motivated and strong in my faith. Then came cancer. It was a bit of a blow. I mean, I was within days of death when a friend finally MADE me go to the hospital. But, again, I still remained pretty positive. Because after all, I could have an incurable cancer and only have days to say goodbye to everyone I cared about. I also was blessed enough to find out while back home with family/friends and unlimited support. Dr's had a plan of action and the most I had to do was sit there and take it. Not saying that was easy. But again. It was easy to have strong faith in God. I wasn't going to die and leave my children (at not even 2 years old and barely 3 years old) motherless. I had support and help! And seriously, what did I have to be stressed about? My husband was the one who almost lost a wife, who now had to juggle hospital trips, doctors appointments, children and work. Plus all the other added stresses. (exp: Where are we going to live for the next 6 months?) I mean, for real. I had it easy. Physically I felt not great. But mentally.....I was good to go. Then....Oh then came life after cancer. No one warns you that the real fight begins AFTER cancer. No one bothered to warn me that my life was going to be so overwhelming to jump back into. Because, honestly, it didn't matter! I was "healed" and should be grateful because so many other cancer patients aren't as fortunate.

The following year after cancer was pure hell for me. As I'm sure anyone can imagine it wasn't easy. There were two huge elements that played a roll in the difficulty. The first being the obvious, the physical. Physically my body was poisoned from chemo. Yes of course the chemo killed my cancer. But as poison does, it also killed everything good. So I struggled with weight, blood sugars, hormones, depression, headaches and exhaustion. So physically I was stuck with an unhealthy body that I had to try and get back into some kinda good health. The second thing was my life. For 6 months I was laid up going through treatment. I remember sleeping through whole days at a time. But after cancer? There was none of that. I got my children back. We went back home to Michigan. I was handed my whole life back and didn't exactly know what to do with it. I didn't really know my children any more. They'd spent the whole summer at their grandparents house. I'd seen them off and on. But even when I saw them, it was between headaches and naps. I was given two children who had grown, matured and changed. I hadn't been a mother for 6 months and here they were handed back to me like "Here ya go! They're yours again!" At first I was completely overjoyed. I'd missed them. I'd missed our life. Our house. Our neighbors. Our friends. What we had before I was sick. Heck! When we came back home I cried at the sight of my bed. Imagine being so sick and not sleeping in your own bed! Oie! Not fun! All of this is to say, it was mega MEGA hard.

Looking back, I see so much better now, how horrible my attitude was. I was straight up angry at God. My faith lacked severely. It's not that I didn't believe in HIM any more. Or that I didn't think HE was real. Oh! I thought HE was real alright! Real enough to screw up my life! Why? Why did HE choose to do that to me?!?! What had I EVER done to HIM? I was so angry. Going from being someone who was always positive and happy to a very angry bitter person caught me way off guard. At first, I didn't even know what to do with myself. I just completely shut down. What do you say? How do you act? I was flying off the handle at every and any little thing. I was crying all the time. I was whining non stop. Things hadn't gone my way and I didn't understand why. I'd done everything right. All I wanted from life was a Godly, happy, healthy, successful marriage and more children than I can count. But why was I stuck with 2 (boys none the less....creatures who's habits I had yet to figure out) with the possibility of never conceiving again (thanks Cancer!)? Why was my marriage all of a sudden not picture perfect? Why were we fighting all the time and never talking? None of it made any sense to me. So I blamed God. It seemed like the only logical thing to do. HE was the one in control of my life. I always believed that. I knew HE had a plan for me and there was a reason. I started to see glimpses of the reasons. But because HE didn't send me an email outlining exactly what was going to happen in my life and why, I decided to throw a huge pity party.

Lot's of people will say I had a reason to be upset. And I know scientifically my mental state was off. That part is very clear. So I know I wasn't exactly in my right mind. But as I reflect on the past two years I see how childish I was. God didn't give me what I wanted! Hmph! How DARE HIM!!!!! Did HE know who I was? I was a good girl! There was zero reason for HIM to treat me like that! So I showed my protest! I stomped my feet! I whined constantly. I played the "Woe is me!" card so many times. When I think back to how much my friends put up with, I really don't understand why they're still around. (Mega shout out to Carissa, Megan and Ashley!) They must really love me.  haha I felt like all I did was complain for the past 2 years. That is why I'm ashamed. God blessed us with a third child! I couldn't believe it! One of my first thoughts was "Why is this happening? HE's tortured me for 2 years now. Why give me a blessing?" That sounds terrible to say, but like I said in my disclaimer. I'm being real with you all! After I found out I was pregnant life seemed to look up. My faith seemed to grow, my family is happy and healthy. I'm happy and positive again. Then God started to work on my heart. Why is it SO easy to have strong faith when things are going our way, but SO hard when it's not! The answer is because I'm a sinful human being. Plain and simple. I am ashamed of my behavior because in bad times I didn't praise God through my storm. Instead, I hate HIM and became bitter. As much as it hurts to admit all of this, it does make me feel good. Because it shows that Christ never gave up on me! He's still stirring my heart.  He's still there pushing me. Making me realize my faults and helping to grow from that. I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be! But I'm grateful to my gracious God who has loved me anyways! Who through it all, encourages me to continue growing. He's such a merciful God to still love me even when I'm throwing a fit like a 2 year old. So, this has been my recent conviction. I will continue to grow in HIM even when I fail him constantly. And it won't be just because I'm getting what I want, but because regardless of life itself, HE loves me and takes care of me! And that's all that matters!

Pregnancy Brain.....

It's official!!!!!!! Pregnancy brain is in FULL swing! I thought I'd quickly blog about a few things that have made me laugh and just wonder "How much of my brain is this baby sucking from me?!"

So the other day, I go to the bathroom. Pull my pants down, sit down and nearly pee in my underwear. Why? Because I forgot to actually pull my underwear down with my pants! Wow! Just...wow!

Last night I remember sitting up in my sleep, picking up my phone (normally I check the time, especially if I have to work the next day), opening up Facebook and scrolling. However, once I started scrolling, I closed my eyes. I don't even KNOW how long I was scrolling through Facebook. I woke up (still sitting up, scrolling through Facebook) and realized my thumb had been moving for quite some time. Then turned it off and went back to sleep. REALLY?


One morning after consuming breakfast on the couch, I put my empty plate on the floor mostly under the couch. Thinking, when I got up, I wouldn't step on it, forgetting it was there. Well, go me! I completely forgot it was there until 2 days later when I exclaimed to my husband "OMG! The PLATE!!!! I LEFT IT  UNDER THE COUCH!!!!!!!! IS IT THERE?!?!?!" Thankfully he has my back and has been cleaning up after me. Phew! Sorry Rats, my man's got this place under control. Clearly, I don't.


I am a very organized person! For the most part, everything has a place. Especially things I use regularly. One of them being my water bottle. If I don't have it in my hand, it's on my nightstand (I got to bed with water every night) or on the couch side table. That's it! Unless it's being cleaned. Anyways, I'm searching HIGH and low! Checking kitchen counter, nightstand, couch side table. I even went as far as to check near my purse thinking I was scattered brain recently and maybe when I came home I left it there. Finally, when I'm about to scream and cry cause I'm thirsty and can't find my water bottle any where. I look on the kitchen counter. Yup. Sitting right there. Front and center. No one was home but me. So, it was sitting there all along. Instead I took 10 minutes to frantically search the entire house. Ugh!

So there's some funny examples I thought my readers might like to hear. haha I swear this little Baby Bean better come out all kinds of intelligent!  ;-)

Top 5 Questions For Miracle Baby 3!

Three posts in ONE day?! Y'all are gonna get spoiled! :-P But I thought I'd answer the top 5 questions I've been getting!

1) How far along are you?
    Well, we don't exactly know. Since we weren't trying, it's a bit harder to tell. Based off of LMP (last menstrual period) it's looking like I'm between 6-8 weeks. That's also throwing in my HcG levels that I've gotten twice now.

2) When's your due date?
     Well based off the last question, we're not exactly sure! But it's looking like end of April right now! We will for sure update as we get information! :-)

3) How are you feeling?
    Honestly, I'm feeling great!!!!! Which is honestly down right surprising. Not that I was miserably sick with the boys, but I've felt very little nausea or morning sickness. I can smell things from 10 miles away now. I forgot about that pregnancy super power! I definitely have a dislike for certain foods. No particular cravings besides anything coated in cheese. My top 2 complaints? Sore boobs and being tired a bit more than normal. lol Either being tired or not being able to sleep when I need to. For example, I should be sleeping now since I have my 4a.m. Y shift today. But ah well. Pregnancy! All in all, I can't complain! I'm loving every second. Okay, maybe I don't love the all of a sudden car sickness I've developed or the fact that sometimes I have to hold my boobs when I walk. But I'm grateful and with being grateful comes joy! :-D

4) Are you going to find out gender?
     YES YES YES!!!!!! As soon as possible! hahaha We probably will not reveal a name though! But we definitely will find out gender when we can and keep you all in the loop! I promise! ;-)

5) Are you hoping for a girl this time?
     No! Over the years I have fully come to love and embrace being a "Boy Mom" It's what I do! Having a girl would throw my game off 100% hahaha! But straight up, I'm hoping for a healthy baby! That's what I'm hoping for! Boy, girl, doesn't matter. Our baby is a miracle and I just want the baby to be healthy and happy! :-)

Why Tell So Early?

So, it's finally social media official! We're pregnant! We've had such an outpouring of love over our news! Lots of shock and surprise but all good reactions of pure joy! It's been fantastic! I've gotten the question about why we'd tell so early on. After all, I haven't even been to the OB yet. (Appointment coming up on September 21st!) I don't even know FOR SURE how far along I am or an exact due date. So I thought I'd blog about our reasons.

My husband has never understood my desire for keeping pregnancy a secret. For the first baby especially, I was very sensitive to the fact that it might not last. So close family and friends knew but that's it. Then at 13 weeks we made our announcement. After finding out we were pregnant the second time, that was a doozy. We really didn't have much time to tell anyone before I miscarried. We ended up sharing the news earlier because of the miscarriage and then the exciting news that I was indeed still pregnant. Crazy! (Just in case anyone doesn't know, our second was a twin, so the miscarriage was of the twin...but at the time we didn't know that) After cancer/chemo I always thought "If God ever does bless us with another one, I won't be telling ANYONE! It's too unsafe. Is the baby even gonna be healthy?" I mean...the list of worries/concerns was vast. But we've had 2 years to worry about that. Life after cancer was NOT easy. In fact last year was pure hell for me. People do NOT tell you that the real journey is life after cancer. (except for those who either die or live with it chronically.)  It is NOT easy getting your body back to a healthy place after cancer. I won't go into details, but I needed lots of positive support. I found that in not only my local friends, but also through social media. I had prayer warriors who barely even knew me, praying for me. I was fairly open and honest about a lot of my struggles. And yet very rarely did I have a friend turn away because I "whined" too much. (though it did happen) Social Media became a way for me to receive encouragement and support through prayer and scripture. I was constantly surprised and overwhelmed with how much people actually cared for me AND my little family. All along I have not been silent about my struggles in wanting another child. Cancer for sure, was not in the plans. And neither was them telling me that chemo would probably take away my chances of another child. God has done SO much work on my heart through it all. It opened my eyes to those who can't even have ONE child. Me being open about my struggles has opened door after door for people to not only be a testimony to me, but for me to be a testimony to them. I've learned so much. I've struggled and cried. And sometimes down right threw fits. So now that it's here I found myself wanting to tell the world. Well, not right away. At first I straight up didn't' believe it. It did feel like an alternate universe. haha (read my previous blog post) But after it sunk in, and blood tests confirmed it twice, I became more and more excited and more eager to share it with everyone. We've all heard the rules "Oh! Don't share right away! What if you miscarry?" or comments like "Aren't you worried that somethings wrong and you'll have to explain it to everyone?"  Those were also the concerns voiced once we told our boys. Besides the excitement, God's put a stirring in my heart. Then a friend sent me a YouTube video of a woman (who had infertility struggles) talking about "Why do we hide pregnancy like a secret?" And that really stuck with me. Why should it be a secret? If we're excited, what should hold us back from sharing with the world? The woman in the video talked about how pregnancy should be celebrated. It's God's creation! It should be celebrated no matter if it lasts one day or 7 months or through birth! Children and life should be celebrated. And I totally agree. I talked to Soon To Be Daddy of 3 (;-) lol ) about how I was feeling towards sharing the news. He had no problems with sharing early. No matter what happens in this pregnancy, we are embracing the mere fact that it happened in the first place!!!!! We are celebrating each and every day and symptom. Do I find myself having bad dreams about not hearing a heart beat or blood being every where? YES! I'm pretty confident any pregnant woman has. haha But my trust is in God. And I feel so humble that HE saw fit to bless us with another child even though I pretty much stamped my feet the whole time and demanded to know why God's timing wasn't my own. I can't control a miscarriage. I oddly feel comforted by the thought of miscarriages because it's something completely out of my control. For example the one I had with Collin's twin. Even before I knew there was still a baby in there, I felt peace. Because God saw fit that it wasn't the right time. I want everyone to understand that this is NOT me saying that I don't have sad times thinking about it. It's not to say that you (if you're struggling with this) should not be sad over things like that. But, I choose to celebrate the time I do have. I thought I might never experience pregnancy again. I knew all along that if God wanted it to happen, it would happen. But I definitely 100% struggled with HIS timing. I also want to clarify that we're not saying everyone needs to tell when they're pregnant right away! I realize that everyone is different and everyone makes their decisions for their own reasons. But as for us, I felt how fair would it be for my social media support to be there through all the bad but not through all the good? So friends! You now know! Before we have an official due date! Before I even know how far along I am! You know! Because we want your joy, love and support no matter how long this lasts! So welcome to our family ride, dear Friends! :-)


Matthew 6:34  Take therefore no thought of the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. 

Job 1:21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. 

Stunned......

I'm writing this post 2 days after we found out, we're pregnant!!!!!! I'm writing this now because I don't want to forget, but it'll probably be awhile before it's actually published. I am still in shock. It almost feels like I'm in an alternate universe. So, we found out Wednesday, August 26th, 2015. It was a very interesting day. We hadn't been specifically trying but we had prayed about it a couple months ago and decided to fully give it to God. HE would let us know when it was time. A couple months had passed and still nothing. Which was, for the most part, okay with me. I was content, most the time, where God had me. Two very healthy and active boys. A loving husband. A job that I so very much love. The desire to have another baby has been heavy on my heart for going on 3 years now. My youngest son will be 4 in about 2 weeks and it's always been a sad time for me. That pregnancy started off with a miscarriage. Then come to find out 2 weeks after that, that I was still pregnant. Turns out it was twins. Only one survived. That was fine with me though! I knew it was all in God's hands and in a weird way I had peace about it. I didn't do anything to cause my miscarriage. God just knew I couldn't handle twins. I do miss his twin, and most times I feel like he's half a person. It's strange. But anyways, back to the story. I've always struggled with his birthdays. Why? Because I never got to enjoy his infancy or toddler stage. His first year was all crying non stop and postpartum depression. Then just as I came out of that and started to enjoy life, I got knocked down with cancer. It's been a crazy past 4 years. Lots of ups and downs. I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. EVER. But life definitely hasn't been easy! So Wednesday, I realized I was a day or two late. I didn't really freak out because, well, ever since chemo, you never really knew what my body was up to. Though it'd been pretty consistent over the past year. But I just really didn't think much of it. Well, on a downright whim I decided to take a pregnancy test mid-morning Wednesday. Hubby was home and folding his clothes on the couch. I ran back to the bathroom and took it. I really downright expected to see nothing. Imagine my surprise when I got off the toilet and went to toss it in the trash can, I noticed a second line. Wait....WHAT?!?!?! I couldn't believe it. I stood there for what felt like eternity. Just frozen in shock. I had planned that the next time I got pregnant I was going to announce it to hubby some cute Pinteresty way. Yeah. No. That did not happen. I remember my half walk/run from the bathroom to the living room. He was looking down and I stuck it in his face. His response? "What's this?" haha I said "LOOK!" He asked again...."What's this?" And we both just stared at it stunned. I then began to cry and start shaking. Was this real? Would it last? Is the baby healthy? So many thoughts running through my head. I was nervous. I never doubted for one minute that God can't do miracles and that IF He wanted me to have another one, I would. But I did get angry and VERY impatient at the lack of timelyness in my opinion. haha We both wanted to be excited, but it just seemed to unreal. I happened to have another digital test. I told him I'd take that one next time I had to go. 20 minutes later, I took it. Popped up with pregnant right away! What?! Really?! I felt a small bit of excitement creep in uncontrolled. This. This is the moment. I have a miracle inside of me. For how long, I don't know. But I'm going to love and cherish every single minute. As soon as we allowed ourselves to get a little excited it started to sink in. Holy cow! Number 3 is real! It's coming! Better or worse, here we go! I still have no idea how far along I am, right now. I'm confused and in still a lot of disbelief. I did get a blood test that confirmed I am indeed pregnant. But I'm hoping to get into the Dr's this coming up week. After realizing I was pregnant, so many things started connecting. Like, "Ohhhh....that's why I lost my water bottle! Because I'm already getting pregnancy brain!" (fyi: I NEVER loose anything...EVER....unless I'm pregnant) "Ohhhh...that's why i'm so tired and no amount of coffee has seemed to make the slightest difference." hahaha Do I have complaints physically. Heck yeah I do! These sore boobs are NOT fun! And not sleeping at night, it's already an issue. LOL But I don't even care. Because God said YES! He finally said YES! I know it's all in HIS perfect timing. HE taught me patience and through waiting I've also become closer to people I never thought I would. I've learned more about people who struggle with infertility. It's opened my heart and eyes. Will this pregnancy end in a healthy baby. My goodness I really hope so. But if not, I still trust God has a plan. It may be rough. But holy cow, guys!!!! I'm pregnant!!!!! I'm going to finally be a mom of 3!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean.....It's so surreal! And boy, lemme tell you, you easily forget how much you can love someone you've never met. I know people are probably rooting for me to have a girl, but honestly, I don't care.  I asked God to let me feel pregnancy at least one more time and HE SAID YES!!!!! How amazing? He chose to bless me and my womb and my family even though at times I was like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum because things didn't go my way. I'm so unworthy of HIS love. But yet...here we are! A gift! A precious gift of life. Thank you God!