For those who don't know my story, I was diagnosed with Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia (APL) in June of 2013. The brief sum of events leading up to finding out this big news were as follows. In March of 2013 I noticed a huge downshift in my energy levels. I had been working out and eating healthy since December the previous year. I, at that point had two boys almost 3 and a little over a year. I assumed my downshift in energy was due to having two toddler boys. I mean, I'm a stay at home mom. Makes sense. I ignored my lack of energy and kept at the day to day. At the end of March I had a fall coming out of a video store. I sprained my ankle and it blew up and bruised worse than I've ever seen any bruise on me. And no matter how much I tried to rest it and elevate it, it continued to be swollen, painful and black and blue. I went back to the Doctor several times for that ankle because I was so sure I had broken something. I continued on a Motrin regimen due to the pain. Fast forward to beginning of May, we as a family road trip back home (about 10.5hrs away) for my brothers college graduation and to visit. On the ride down I noticed a massive metal taste in my mouth and swelling all over. Once we arrived, I noticed a massive black bruise underneath (yes, you read that right) my right breast. I touched it, it didn't hurt, but it seriously looked terrible. I racked my brain for what I could've done to bruise myself so badly. I mention this fact and the metal taste in my mouth to my husband he notes that I also had the same type bruise on one of my butt cheeks. So I rush straight to Urgent Care. They did some blood work and told me that my platelets were low and that it was probably due to the motrin I'd been taking for my ankle. I remember calling my family Doctor and talking to her about it. Because it made no sense to me. She explained Platelets were what makes my blood clot. And that it didn't seem right motrin would cause that because I'm otherwise very healthy. She said if anything further happened to go straight to the ER otherwise we'd figure it all out when I got back from vacation. As I continued my vacation I increasingly felt weaker and weaker and exhausted. Fast forward to about 5 days before we're supposed to leave to come back, I got what I thought was an early period. I'm normally VERY regular, not a heavy bleeder...nothing too serious. This was a sudden GUSH. I remember because I was at WalMart with my husband, standing checking out, and I could feel it completely soak my underwear. So i rushed to the bathroom. Then I proceeded to go get new underwear, pants, pads and tampons. I remember telling my husband that I didn't understand why I got it so heavy and early. It didn't make sense to me. It'd NEVER been like that. I've literally never soaked my pants like that before. I rode out excessive heavy bleeding for two days. As you can imagine with each passing day I grew weaker. By the last day I was soaking through a jumbo tampon and heavy pad every 10-15min! I went to lunch with two girlfriends that day and told them what was going on. They literally MADE me go to the Emergency room. And thank God they made me. By the time I got to the hospital the blood was uncontrollable. I was literally bleeding out. The ER didn't know what to do with me. So they admitted me. Then all the real chaos began. The friend that made me go to the ER literally saved my life. The Doctors told me that I was within hours of bleeding out and dying. And if the blood didn't get me, the 100% cancer cells would've gotten me probably within a day. I almost lost my life. Woah.
After all of that, that's when the real chaos began. The next 6 months were a blur of trying to find a stable place for my kids to stay (because I was too sick to travel back to our home), my husband figuring out his military work situation, treatment plan, hospital stay, finding a temporary place to live while undergoing treatment and honestly the list could go on. It was exhausting to say the least. At the time, I thought fighting the cancer would be the hardest part. I was sorely mistaken. Hands down the hardest part was post cancer. Finding my life again after cancer. Dealing with PTSD and depression and anxiety. I have a very strong faith in God. I trusted him throughout all my treatment. But afterwards I was so angry at God. I was supposed to be trying for baby number 3 and instead? I got cancer. Bonus! I was told to never expect to be pregnant ever again. WHAT? Why? Truth be told that was THE hardest thing to wrap my head around. My husband and I both always have had the desire to adopt, but I didn't even feel remotely done being pregnant. I wanted more children. Truth be told, chemically my brain was irrational. I couldn't think correctly. I became extremely angry overall. I've never been an angry person. Always been someone who sees the bright side, positive, happy....that was me. I turned into this person I didn't recognize. I thankfully recognized I needed professional help and jumped right into counseling and medication. It was an absolute necessity for me. I had the brain knowledge that God had me going through all of this for a reason. I knew in my head HE had a plan and it was customized for just me. But I still struggled with anger. 2013 was when I dealt with actually getting rid of cancer. But 2014 is when I actually fought like hell. Truth be told, I'm not sure I've ever fought so hard in my life.
Before cancer I had started to grow my hair back out. Once I was diagnosed I ended up cutting my hair in three stages. Stage one was just to cut the majority of length off, so that staying clean in the hospital became more manageable. Then there was stage two which became necessary because my hair started falling out from the chemo. I had gone in ready to shave my head. Then I sat in the seat and the hair dresser realized I wasn't at all ready for that. I was near tears. So she just gave me a very short hair cut. It was long enough you could tell I had curl, but short enough that I didn't hardly have to do anything to it. Stage three was the shaving. Honestly, I try not to think about that moment. Everyone was so nice and encouraging. Everyone said I looked cute no matter what. But it doesn't change how you FEEL. I felt naked. I felt robbed of my covering. I felt insecure. Despite that so many strangers (medical staff) seeing every single vulnerable part of me, loosing all my hair some how made me feel the most vulnerable I'd ever felt. From the point of shaving my head I said that once it grew back in, I was going to grow it out for 5 years and then donate it on my 5 year Remissionversary. Because in cancer world, the 5 year mark is HUGE. My doctor said that after 5 years that puts me in the "cured" category. Not just "remission" category. He said if by some crazy circumstance I end up getting APL again after 5 years, it would be totally unrelated to the first. So 5 years has always been a very big deal to me.
The closer I got to my 5 year mark the more nervous I got to cut off and donate my hair. I still very much wanted to. But, I found myself so very often going back to that vulnerable place again. Things have changed so much since my diagnosis. I am a completely different person. I've grown so much and for the better. My relationship with Christ is stronger than it's ever been. I even FINALLY got baptized! In addition God saw fit to be gracious to me and I had TWO more children after cancer! He made the impossible, possible. I also had no problem conceiving them. In fact number 4 was completely unplanned and unexpected. In addition to that, number 4 was a girl. Our first after 3 boys! November 5th is the official day in which I was declared "in remission". On that day in 2013, my facebook status reads "Leukemia.....crushed it!!!!!!" A very monumental day. On Monday, November 5, 2018, 5 years later, I cut off and donated THIRTEEN inches of hair! For the year 2013! For the year that changed everything for me. For the year where God pushed me and forced me to see that I am not in charge of my own life. For the year where God showed me just how vulnerable I could be. But also how loved and supported I could be. I lost friends. I gained friends. I saw people who truly cared and I saw people who were only out to hurt me. I saw how much grace God has continued to give me. 5 years is a long time. I almost cried when the hair dresser started cutting but I immediately became flooded with gratitude. God could've called me home, but HE didn't! There is a reason I'm still here. Thirteen inches of hair is a small way of giving back to someone, who could be just like I was in 2013. It's a small way of showing them grace, love, and support in their weakest time.
Cutting off 13in of hair definitely made me feel all emotions again. Nakedness, fear, sadness....but as soon as I felt those feelings I was immediately filled with gratitude for Christ. For the fact that despite all my flaws, all my failings, HE has seen fit to continue to show me HIS love for me. If you've read this whole thing and you are struggling, please remember that even in the horrible times, God is still there. There is always a reason. Despite it being a horrible situation, you CAN change. You CAN grow. And you CAN have a deeper relationship with HIM. Believe me, I'm a walking testimony of that! And if you ever want someone to talk to, who gets it, please don't hesitate to talk to me. Or better yet, fall on your knees and talk to the ONE who can provide you ultimate comfort and peace! Throughout my life I can continually say, God is faithful!
The support team!
Watching the process closely!
The two additions who weren't there for the original chaos!
This girl was there for the cancer and tended to mine and my husband's needs throughout the whole process! We frequently look back at that time and don't know how we would've done it without her support and care!
The before! Just after a good washing!
The after of having it blow dried.
Tying it off for the cut! Eeeek!
Here we go!
Almost all done....I could feel the weight just coming off!
The last cut!
13 inches!!!!! (plus some!)
Honestly, I can see in my face the amazement and shock that I was able to do this!
The new short haired ME!
The confusion of the toddler who can't figure out what just happened. haha
Me, making everyone feel how smooth my hair was!
The new freshly cut hair!
