I'm Sorry I'm a Flake...

Hi, my name is Hannah! I'm a flake! I break commitments. I forget to respond to messages/texts. I can't STAND phone calls! Seriously, like.....who can even HEAR on those dang things? I'm wishy washy about park play dates. Basically, if I met me, I'd steer clear! I mean, do I even want friends? Who knows! How did this happen? Who even am I?


I have never been the type of person to be forgetful. Maybe forgetful of past events. I mean, to be honest I can't remember most of my childhood. I have always been good time Sally! Down for fun! Living in the moment! Who cares about consequences? My friends are my life! That was me! I've always made friends easily! I never even had to try! It's just who I am! My friends wanted me some where, I was there! My friends needed their spirits lifted, I'm the gal! It's so deeply ingrained in me that to be honest, I hadn't realized how much a part of me it was. What happened? Children! Children happened to me! Along with my charismatic, good time me....I've always wanted to be a mother. So I was thrilled when it happened! I just had no idea the impact having children would have on my entire life! Naive, yes! Absolutely. haha! I just never thought my priorities would change this much!


I'm recently the mother of 4 children. 9 years, almost 8 years, 3 years and 9 months! Three boys and a girl. I also am a military spouse! In addition to that (go ahead, call me crazy...I am!) I homeschool! Currently 3 of the 4! Those are the statistics on me. They are also everything that consumes my life. There is so very much I want to do with my life! Seriously! So many things! I mean for example, I'd love to blog more. I'm surprised I have the chance in this very moment. Actually I'm neglecting my 9mo who is currently babbling and talking in her crib. My 3yo is currently yelling no and arguing with my 9yo. It's chaos at all times around here! The past 3 years my husband spent most of his time deployed with little to no communication. I was in survival mode. Truth be told, I HAD to have friends because I literally couldn't survive by myself. But things got even worse. Not because of friends, but because my children grew, their needs changed, some things fell to the wayside. (Let's be real, my body being number one on the wayside list!) We recently moved to a new home/duty station and I'm trying to tackle this new life head on. I'm making schedules for our family, keeping up with chores, dealing with appointments, learning disabilities, discipline....basically EVERYTHING. It's made me prioritize more. Meaning my priority is now my children. I mean, come on guys! It's four against one! Those aren't great odds! Lemme tell you, if you don't believe me, I will GLADLY invite you to spend a few days with me! haha! You'll see! Anyways, I digress. I've realized how much of a bad friend this makes me now. I don't answer your texts because I'm in the middle of schooling. By the time I'm done schooling I forget there were any texts to begin with! I HATE phone calls! Why? Because I can NEVER hear!!!! Dude! I get it! Sometime phone calls have to be made! But come ONNNNN!!!!! With 4 tiny humans in the background making noise, I don't hear a good 60% of what's on the other end. It's nothing personal, I literally just can't hear you! When I get long messages on Facebook...Oh goodness. I basically don't read it all! I'm sorry! It's not that I don't want to know! Totally do! But I don't have the time to read that long of a message! Have you heard of Marco Polo? Well, let me tell you! If you are a busy Mom, Marco Polo is for you! You can record long video messages (no time limit and you don't have to hold a button) of you saying whatever the heck you need to say...or crying! And the other person can watch it at their leisure! It's FANTASTIC. These days that's how I get my friend time in! How sad is that? A delayed video message, in which I will be doing dishes, laundry, yelling at children, crying...whatever...that is the best tool in which for me to get social time. Guys, I'm not a flake because I hate you! I'm a flake because currently God has called me to raise these 4 beautiful children. I'm a flake because they are more demanding than you! If you start peeing your pants, begging me for a snack and falling out on the floor crying, chances are I'll give you more attention, because clearly you need it! So, friends, all of this to say....I love you! I love that you understand me. I love that you don't judge me. Please keep doing it! I will eventually not be flakey! I will eventually not seem such a hot mess. Okay! You got me, that's a lie! I'll always be a hot mess! But I won't always be a hot mess with 4 little children in tow! I'll take you out for coffee in about 16 years and treat ya to dinner! I mean, if you can hang with me through all this chaos, you deserve coffee and dinner on me!

Our New Life....

So, again, it's been forever since I've blogged. It's not that I don't want to, in fact I blog all the time inside my head. But I never have time to actually sit down and do it. Okay! Fine! You caught me! I might have the time (since I've binged 3 seasons of Mindy Project in less than a week...it's fine!) but I most days do not have the energy! But since I've been up since 3:30a.m today, I figured I might as well give it a go! So, here we go....


Since I last blogged we have accomplished yet another PCS (Permanent Change of Station). We are now living in the touristy town of Cape May, New Jersey! It's actually quite beautiful! Though currently very touristy. It's a small town but I kinda like it! I will love it even more when all the tourists go away for the season. Oh sure, technically I'm a tourist right now. I just moved here, I'm sight seeing, new to all the sites, trying out restaurants....etc. But I will be here for the next 4 years consistently, so move over tourists, you're in my way!

I've been getting a ton of questions about how we are adjusting. How is life in the new house? How do you like it? How are the kids adjusting? So I figured I'd blog about it and answer some questions! Sorta like an FAQ!

Question: How do you like Cape May?
Answer: I love it! I kinda already explained above but basically it's a small town. Coming from the Hampton Roads, VA area, it feels even smaller. We have 1 WalMart (that just got grocery pick up) and we've come to realize this WalMart never has ANYTHING. Literally they told me they were completely out of whole chickens.....Uhmmm...okay? Not sure how you could be completely out of meat...but...okay! There is a McDonald's, Taco Bell, Starbucks (with drive thru) and Walgreens. I will survive. However, this is NOT a Target, Trader Joes, Lidl, Chick-Fil-A or really anything else I've been spoiled to have 5 minutes from my home in the past 3 years. Yes, I understand, first world problems. But, I've been spoiled. I miss these convenient amenities at my finger tips! Other than that, it's not as humid and disgusting as Virginia. The ocean air also does not stink like Virginia Beach. (for the record, I couldn't stand VA Beach!) The water is a whole lot more clear and beautiful! The little town of Cape May is adorable! We haven't had the full chance to explore much yet, but we honestly love it so far!

Question: How do you like your new house?
Answer: It works! We are on a 3/4 acre lot with a ton of it fenced in. I absolutely am loving the fact that I can send my children into the back yard and not worry about them. We are surrounded by mostly woods too, so we are able to be in our backyard in our underwear and that's my favorite part. Haha (If you know me, you know I hate clothes) We went from a 2,000sqf house down to a 1,600(ish)sqf home. So it's been a bit of a challenge to fit 6 people into a bit of a smaller house but we're totally making it work! My favorite part is that we are now living on one level. I'm determined to settle into a one level forever home! It's so much more economic. It's easier to regulate temperature, cleaning, misbehaved children...it just all around works better. hahaha We have no need for baby gates!


Question: How are you settling in?
Answer: ALL BOXES ARE UNPACKED!!!!!!! Which to be honest, in less than 3 weeks with 4 children, I think it's quite an amazing accomplishment! I will have to give my husband most of this credit though! He has put in some hardcore overtime unpacking and "setting up". To be honest I didn't realize I had a tiny bit of PTSD from our last PCS (To VA from MI: 1mo postpartum from my 3rd c-section, then he deployed in a couple weeks of arrival....I was left solo, rarely any communication...it was a mess). Every time my husband has asked me to do something I've basically shut down. It doesn't help that the baby has been waking up so much and I'm crazy exhausted. But! I just haven't been able to seem to get a grip. So he's taken the reigns and unpacked most everything. I set up 2 of the 3 bedrooms. I've been able to come behind him and organize things. For example he will unpack all pantry items, then I come behind him and actually organize it and put items where they need to go. So don't get me wrong, not like I haven't done anything, but he has done most of it. We have a ways to go. But we've come a long way in less than 3 weeks.


Question: How is his work at the new unit?
Answer: Well....so far....so amazing! For reference, his last unit was a boat and their schedule was crazy stupid. Basically it was about 3 months gone, 2 months home. But when home he would have 24hr duty, crazy work hours and basically the whole 3 years we were stationed there I lived it solo parenting. We hardly ever had family time. Now? He's home ALL THE TIME. Yesterday he didn't get home til 5pm and I was like "WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?" haha Normally he gets up with the kids, makes them breakfast, bikes to work and is home by 2/3pm (that's with a 45min bike commute). The only downside to his schedule is that it's unpredictable. Basically we can't plan anything long term. For example this past week they got told they had to do a boarding on Sunday. They were told on like Wednesday or Thursday. Okay, no biggie. Then come Thursday night he gets told it's moved to Saturday. In the end either way it's not a big deal. He was gone a couple of hours on Saturday evening and home for dinner. It wasn't a huge deal. But! Had we of planned a family day out and bought tickets to things, we would've been screwed. So we'll be living a lot more by the seat of our pants, but we will be together more as a family. And that I can handle. I also will add that my husband is now the boss man and doesn't hate his job, so that's a noticeable and welcome change!


Question: Have you made any friends?
Answer: Honestly the move was enough exhaustion for me. Friendships and getting out as NOT been my priority. We were very active and social in Virginia. Since we received orders to Cape May God has put one word on my heart, rest. Rest. Family. Refocus. Refuel. All words I continually feel pulled to. Which, is kinda funny considering I'm a very social person and I make friends very easily. So, I've made some connections, yes. But friendship is just not my priority right now. I would easily say our family was broken and a mess upon arrival to Cape May. Since then I've been able to put more focus on just us and I can see the difference. I'm sure I will make many good friends here, but it's just not a priority for me.


Question: How are the kids adjusting?
Answer: Our children are resilient. This is not their first move. Okay, it is for number 4 and the first one number 3 will remember. But! They are adjusting quite well. They love our new backyard. And they are definitely up for new adventures discovering our new area.  Plus they are LOVING having Daddy around more. Plus to be honest, with Mommy having more ability to focus on them (Less outside responsibilities pulling at me), their adjustment is coming along pretty well. Everyone's sleep is a bit off, but that's partially due to new room adjustments. Scheuby 3 was in his own room and is now moved into the room with Scheuby 1 and 2. Scheuby 4 is a greedy little milk feeding baby who can't stop won't stop. So, there's that. haha!


Question: Have you all found a church?
Answer: We don't know that we've found a home church yet, but we finally ventured to try one this past Sunday and it went decently. I'm struggling emotionally with it because I had such an amazing wonderful church in Virginia and I'm just not quite ready to give my heart to another church. hahaha Sounds stupid, but hey! It'll happen, we'll get there! But we are trying!


Question: Eaten any good food?
Answer: Well, we tried some Chinese that was absolutely disgusting. DISGUSTING. So we won't be going back to that place. We have tried a few several Italian spots but honestly none we've fallen in love with. We have places on our list to try, just haven't done it yet. Also, I have no enlisted some help on this matter and I have list of places that are better known for its yumminess, instead of us just taking a shot in the dark! haha


Question: Are visitors welcome?
Answer: Absolutely! One hitch? You probably have to arrange to stay elsewhere. If you plan to come visit soon, we just aren't settled enough for company. We do have a full size guest mattress, but it is currently without a box spring or frame. So it's flat on the floor. Not preferred. In addition our play room in the future will be able to house an air mattress, pallets on the floor however currently....we are not set up and clear enough for that! So! If you wanna visit there are so many options. If you're one person we can probably house you. If you are a family we can more than likely get you MWR lodging (even if you're not military) on base. It's a 2 bedroom condo basically! (full kitchen, playground out back) It's awesome! And 7 miles from our house! Not very expensive either! We also have SO many camp grounds in the area. 3 that are right down the street from us. From what I can tell they have tent sites and cabins you can rent. Plus, being a beach town, there are SO many bed and breakfast places. I would however, wait til closer to September. Prices go down and the town empties. But! If you wanna come see the hustle and bustle, come on up! We have very little on our social calendar.


I think that's it! Quite a bit to read, but these are the frequent questions I've been asked! I'm hoping with less social things pulling me out and about, I may be able to find more time to blog! We shall see! :)

Trust.....

It's been on my heart to share this with you all! Some of you may know, most probably don't. Having our precious fourth was completely unplanned. In fact mere weeks before I found out I was pregnant with her, I had come to a peace that we were done having our own biologically. I was extremely content being a "boy mom". I felt it's what God had designed me for. We have a strong desire to adopt/foster but with my husband's crazy military career, we aren't in a place to do that quite yet. But as far as biologically, I was done! And happy with that. I was also okay with not having a girl. I'd spent so much time wishing number two and three were girls, I had just given up and decided to be happy over the gifts God gave me. So finding out we were expecting again was a mix of emotions and not great ones. I also KNEW it had to be a girl because I had found such peace about not having one. haha! I would be lying if I told you I just accepted what God decided to do with our life. I whined, I complained, I was completely ungrateful. I essentially threw a fit like a two year old. "I don't want it! I don't wanna do this! I didn't plan this. Why can't things go how I planned?" I had a rotten attitude. Throughout the pregnancy and other personal things going on, God really started to put ONE word on my heart. Just one. Trust. I would randomly be going through my day and the word would pop in my head. I argued with God about it, at first. "No! I don't wanna trust. I know YOU have a plan but I think it's stupid." haha! I'm being straight up honest to you all about my terrible attitude. I'm not sugar coating it. It was horrible. Yet, God faithfully kept at me. Trust. T-R-U-S-T. TRUST ME! About halfway through my pregnancy my heart really took a turn. This baby was coming whether I liked it or not. I decided to stop fighting God and see what path HE had for me. Every issue I had, I brought it back to HIS promise to me. "Trust Me. I have you! You are NOT alone. This is for MY glory! Trust me!" I was terrified to have a fourth c-section. Terrified. I was scared to go through a fourth postpartum. To try and nurse again. All of it. To raise a girl for the first time. So.much.fear! Trust. Day of my c-section I kept praying. The walk into the hospital I just kept praying and talking to God. "I trust You! I'm scared, but I trust. YOU have a plan. Regardless of the outcome, I trust. I choose trust!" Going back for my c-section "I trust you. I'm scared, God. Help me. I trust Your plan but bring me peace." Continually. My c-section was wonderful! The staff was wonderful. They listened to me. I verbalized. It was everything I wish a birth could be! I was loved, supported and the baby and I came through healthy and fine. Not long after she had nursing problems. "Trust me!" I fought, I cried, I was exhausted. I trusted HIM. He made my body produce the milk sufficient enough to grow a human being. We were going to nurse because I trusted God and the body He gave me. God brought a community around me to support me and get my nursing figured out! He kept me faithful! We're not pros yet, but we have come so far! After the nursing challenges we have had the sleep deprivation challenges. I remember when we first got back from the hospital I was so sore, in so much pain and we had close to no solid sleep. I prayed and told God exactly this "This is your plan, God. I'm on board. I trust You. I pray over this child You've chosen to gift us. I ask that if it be your will, we get some sleep! If not, I trust You will keep me awake and able to function without the sleep! I trust you!" That very night we got 6hrs of sleep. For those who don't know newborns (we're talking under a week old) that's a BIG deal! God has continued to put that word on my heart and remind me over and over again that it's not about me! It's about HIM! I'm not perfect, but it's been such a huge learning lesson for me this year. I'm making Trust my word for 2018! I'm stubborn, but God loves me. HE cares! He is teaching me to be humble and trust. I could tell you story after story this year, in which I can see God teaching me true trust. Trust. Keep trusting, friends! God is faithful, ALWAYS.

Five Year Remissionversary...

Remission. Cancer. Chemo. Atra. Port. PICC-line. Hospital. Post traumatic stress disorder. Depression. Just a few words that hold such weight to me. They're not just words. They're things I actually lived. They are words that became my life in 2013.

For those who don't know my story, I was diagnosed with Acute Promyelocytic Leukemia (APL) in June of 2013. The brief sum of events leading up to finding out this big news were as follows. In March of 2013 I noticed a huge downshift in my energy levels. I had been working out and eating healthy since December the previous year. I, at that point had two boys almost 3 and a little over a year. I assumed my downshift in energy was due to having two toddler boys. I mean, I'm a stay at home mom. Makes sense. I ignored my lack of energy and kept at the day to day. At the end of March I had a fall coming out of a video store. I sprained my ankle and it blew up and bruised worse than I've ever seen any bruise on me. And no matter how much I tried to rest it and elevate it, it continued to be swollen, painful and black and blue. I went back to the Doctor several times for that ankle because I was so sure I had broken something. I continued on a Motrin regimen due to the pain. Fast forward to beginning of May, we as a family road trip back home (about 10.5hrs away) for my brothers college graduation and to visit. On the ride down I noticed a massive metal taste in my mouth and swelling all over. Once we arrived, I noticed a massive black bruise underneath (yes, you read that right) my right breast. I touched it, it didn't hurt, but it seriously looked terrible. I racked my brain for what I could've done to bruise myself so badly. I mention this fact and the metal taste in my mouth to my husband he notes that I also had the same type bruise on one of my butt cheeks. So I rush straight to Urgent Care. They did some blood work and told me that my platelets were low and that it was probably due to the motrin I'd been taking for my ankle. I remember calling my family Doctor and talking to her about it. Because it made no sense to me. She explained Platelets were what makes my blood clot. And that it didn't seem right motrin would cause that because I'm otherwise very healthy. She said if anything further happened to go straight to the ER otherwise we'd figure it all out when I got back from vacation. As I continued my vacation I increasingly felt weaker and weaker and exhausted. Fast forward to about 5 days before we're supposed to leave to come back, I got what I thought was an early period. I'm normally VERY regular, not a heavy bleeder...nothing too serious. This was a sudden GUSH. I remember because I was at WalMart with my husband, standing checking out, and I could feel it completely soak my underwear. So i rushed to the bathroom. Then I proceeded to go get new underwear, pants, pads and tampons. I remember telling my husband that I didn't understand why I got it so heavy and early. It didn't make sense to me. It'd NEVER been like that. I've literally never soaked my pants like that before. I rode out excessive heavy bleeding for two days. As you can imagine with each passing day I grew weaker. By the last day I was soaking through a jumbo tampon and heavy pad every 10-15min! I went to lunch with two girlfriends that day and told them what was going on. They literally MADE me go to the Emergency room. And thank God they made me. By the time I got to the hospital the blood was uncontrollable. I was literally bleeding out. The ER didn't know what to do with me. So they admitted me. Then all the real chaos began. The friend that made me go to the ER literally saved my life. The Doctors told me that I was within hours of bleeding out and dying. And if the blood didn't get me, the 100% cancer cells would've gotten me probably within a day. I almost lost my life. Woah.

After all of that, that's when the real chaos began. The next 6 months were a blur of trying to find a stable place for my kids to stay (because I was too sick to travel back to our home), my husband figuring out his military work situation, treatment plan, hospital stay, finding a temporary place to live while undergoing treatment and honestly the list could go on. It was exhausting to say the least. At the time, I thought fighting the cancer would be the hardest part. I was sorely mistaken. Hands down the hardest part was post cancer. Finding my life again after cancer. Dealing with PTSD and depression and anxiety. I have a very strong faith in God. I trusted him throughout all my treatment. But afterwards I was so angry at God. I was supposed to be trying for baby number 3 and instead? I got cancer. Bonus! I was told to never expect to be pregnant ever again. WHAT? Why? Truth be told that was THE hardest thing to wrap my head around. My husband and I both always have had the desire to adopt, but I didn't even feel remotely done being pregnant. I wanted more children. Truth be told, chemically my brain was irrational. I couldn't think correctly. I became extremely angry overall. I've never been an angry person. Always been someone who sees the bright side, positive, happy....that was me. I turned into this person I didn't recognize. I thankfully recognized I needed professional help and jumped right into counseling and medication. It was an absolute necessity for me. I had the brain knowledge that God had me going through all of this for a reason. I knew in my head HE had a plan and it was customized for just me. But I still struggled with anger. 2013 was when I dealt with actually getting rid of cancer. But 2014 is when I actually fought like hell. Truth be told, I'm not sure I've ever fought so hard in my life.

Before cancer I had started to grow my hair back out. Once I was diagnosed I ended up cutting my hair in three stages. Stage one was just to cut the majority of length off, so that staying clean in the hospital became more manageable. Then there was stage two which became necessary because my hair started falling out from the chemo. I had gone in ready to shave my head. Then I sat in the seat and the hair dresser realized I wasn't at all ready for that. I was near tears. So she just gave me a very short hair cut. It was long enough you could tell I had curl, but short enough that I didn't hardly have to do anything to it. Stage three was the shaving. Honestly, I try not to think about that moment. Everyone was so nice and encouraging. Everyone said I looked cute no matter what. But it doesn't change how you FEEL. I felt naked. I felt robbed of my covering. I felt insecure. Despite that so many strangers (medical staff) seeing every single vulnerable part of me, loosing all my hair some how made me feel the most vulnerable I'd ever felt. From the point of shaving my head I said that once it grew back in, I was going to grow it out for 5 years and then donate it on my 5 year Remissionversary. Because in cancer world, the 5 year mark is HUGE. My doctor said that after 5 years that puts me in the "cured" category. Not just "remission" category. He said if by some crazy circumstance I end up getting APL again after 5 years, it would be totally unrelated to the first. So 5 years has always been a very big deal to me.

The closer I got to my 5 year mark the more nervous I got to cut off and donate my hair. I still very much wanted to. But, I found myself so very often going back to that vulnerable place again. Things have changed so much since my diagnosis. I am a completely different person. I've grown so much and for the better. My relationship with Christ is stronger than it's ever been. I even FINALLY got baptized! In addition God saw fit to be gracious to me and I had TWO more children after cancer! He made the impossible, possible. I also had no problem conceiving them. In fact number 4 was completely unplanned and unexpected. In addition to that, number 4 was a girl. Our first after 3 boys! November 5th is the official day in which I was declared "in remission". On that day in 2013, my facebook status reads "Leukemia.....crushed it!!!!!!" A very monumental day. On Monday, November 5, 2018, 5 years later, I cut off and donated THIRTEEN inches of hair! For the year 2013! For the year that changed everything for me. For the year where God pushed me and forced me to see that I am not in charge of my own life. For the year where God showed me just how vulnerable I could be. But also how loved and supported I could be. I lost friends. I gained friends. I saw people who truly cared and I saw people who were only out to hurt me. I saw how much grace God has continued to give me. 5 years is a long time. I almost cried when the hair dresser started cutting but I immediately became flooded with gratitude. God could've called me home, but HE didn't! There is a reason I'm still here. Thirteen inches of hair is a small way of giving back to someone, who could be just like I was in 2013. It's a small way of showing them grace, love, and support in their weakest time.

Cutting off 13in of hair definitely made me feel all emotions again. Nakedness, fear, sadness....but as soon as I felt those feelings I was immediately filled with gratitude for Christ. For the fact that despite all my flaws, all my failings, HE has seen fit to continue to show me HIS love for me. If you've read this whole thing and you are struggling, please remember that even in the horrible times, God is still there. There is always a reason. Despite it being a horrible situation, you CAN change. You CAN grow. And you CAN have a deeper relationship with HIM. Believe me, I'm a walking testimony of that! And if you ever want someone to talk to, who gets it, please don't hesitate to talk to me. Or better yet, fall on your knees and talk to the ONE who can provide you ultimate comfort and peace! Throughout my life I can continually say, God is faithful!

The support team! 

Watching the process closely! 

The two additions who weren't there for the original chaos! 

This girl was there for the cancer and tended to mine and my husband's needs throughout the whole process! We frequently look back at that time and don't know how we would've done it without her support and care! 

The before! Just after a good washing! 

The after of having it blow dried. 

Tying it off for the cut! Eeeek! 

Here we go! 

Almost all done....I could feel the weight just coming off! 

The last cut! 

13 inches!!!!! (plus some!)

Honestly, I can see in my face the amazement and shock that I was able to do this! 

The new short haired ME! 

The confusion of the toddler who can't figure out what just happened. haha

Me, making everyone feel how smooth my hair was! 

The new freshly cut hair! 

It's a WHAT?

Well folks, I never blog! I want to all the time but never get around to it. But I felt this was a moment worth taking the time to blog about. So, on Easter I woke up from a nap, knowing I had an email revealing our new baby's gender. I knew the answer with every fiber of my being. I will say I've known with the first and this one, only! I thought I knew with the second and third, however I think my wants/desire's really clouded my judgement. Although, I will say, when you truly KNOW something, you know it deep down, despite other feelings. So deep down I knew number two and three were going to be boys. I just didn't want to admit it. Now back to this baby and the gender. At about 10.5 weeks, I took a blood test to find out the babies gender! I highly recommend SneakPeekTest.com !!!! They are affordable compared to doing the test through the doctors office and coming out of pocket. You can do it as early as 9 weeks! And, if they're wrong, they will refund 100% of your money back. In addition to all of that, its super quick! It took no more than 5 days to get results from order date! And I ordered on a Saturday night! It was awesome! Highly highly recommend if you're impatient like my husband and I! Back to Easter. As soon as I woke up from my nap, I KNEW. I knew I had the email and I knew what it'd say! It revealed what I had so badly wanted number two and three times. hahaha It was a girl! What? Yeah, you read that right! A girl. What the crap am I going to do with a GIRL???? After three boys???? A girl! SERIOUSLY? I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all. Which will come as a huge shock to those who were close to me when I found out number two and three were boys! This pregnancy was a complete surprise. Very unplanned. In fact, right before I got pregnant, I had just told a friend that I had really gotten to this place of peace that number three was our last biological child. (my husband and I still want to adopt!) I also had become completely confident and comfortable in being a boy Mom! I think no matter the gender, there's always an adjustment period after you have a baby! So after my third, given that we did a PCS (military move for those who don't speak military. hahaha!), my husband was deployed constantly, it took me well over 1.5 years to finally start feeling like I could piece my life back together! I wasn't as stressed, I wasn't as overwhelmed and number three has turned out to be my Momma's boy and I LOVED it! I did feel slightly sad that my husband would never get to experience being a girl dad. I thought he'd be so cute with a little girl. But as far as I was concerned, I was so pleased to have a momma's boy who loves the crap out of me, two other boys who have taken on a protection roll over me and to be the ONLY girl in the household. I mean, it has it's perks! Seriously! When we're out to eat as a family, I don't have to make the bathroom runs. I'm the only girl! My husband does that. When I want to go for a pedicure? No one wants to go! I get to go with JUST me and it only costs the price of one! I mean, literally, I had gotten to the place of loving where God had me and being super grateful for what I have. I literally said to this friend I was chatting with "I don't want a girl, it'd honestly throw everything off!!!" So the very minute I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly, I KNEW it was a girl! I absolutely knew. I didn't want it to be,  to the point I was literally praying for a boy! It was such a change for me. The third I wanted to be a girl so over the top badly! It was such a turn around for me. So I do mean that when I found out my deep suspicions were correct, I was so unhappy and sick to my stomach. It's so funny what our desires do to our heads sometimes. hahaha So I'm preparing to announce to the world that we are having a girl. I'm expecting everyone will assume I'm so beyond thrilled. And here's the plain truth. It's weird. It's awkward and not exactly desired. HOWEVER, it's my child! When she actually arrives I will be happy and love her more than I know possible! But until then, it's weird. When I started my registry, it felt weird. I almost felt like a fish out of water. Everything I thought I would like for a potential girl of mine, just, didn't do it for me. I apparently just want simple. It's just odd. hahaha! But guess what? That's okay! These are all natural feelings I would feel after having three boys. hahaha! And I'm accepting it! :-) So there's my story/feelings on finding out our fourth was going to be a girl! I can tell you that one thing has remained. I HATE monogramming and I HATE......HATE outfits like these!

After all of that being said....Welcome aboard Scheuby4! We have lots of laughs, dance moves, opinions and attitudes! You'll fit in just fine around here no matter your gender! <3 

Last Day Unplugged

I have spent the last thirty one days, unplugged from social media! (To read details about my unplugging Click Here )  To be honest, I can't believe it! I really expected that at some point during this month, I would fight strong urges to sneak on! That never happened. I do remember at one point feeling like I really missed Instagram. After thinking about why I missed it, I realized it's because I did really miss seeing pictures of friends lives (aka their children lol). As a busy Mom, I realize how hard it is to reach out and actually engage in friends/families lives. It's just so easy to take picture and upload it to social media in mere seconds. Bam! Now all friends and family can see exactly what we're doing and I can see what they're doing without actually making any effort. And don't get me wrong, that's super nice! I appreciate that almost a little bit more after my absence. But it absolutely does not replace true connection with people. I was surprised at the low number of people who actually cared to reach out and see how I was doing as well as update me on my life. Which saddened me. I always seem to have an amount of people who are my fan club, but yet they didn't have follow through when it came to taking a little bit of extra time to reach out. I, myself reached out to people I hadn't in awhile. I also found that I had SO MUCH TIME on my hands without social media. I mean, I can truly say that my house is clean. Like, near top to bottom, not scrubbing no longer needed. It's clean. hahaha Sure there's a few dusty vents I can't reach. But everything within my reach was clean. (You too, can have a clean home without social media! ;-) hahaha I kid, sorta!) I also spent far more time reading to my children, or playing a game, or doing a puzzle. The times I actually spent with them seemed to be of more quality because I wasn't worried about documenting it's every second, or zoning out see what was new on my feed. I also spent far more time engaging in meaningful conversations with my husband. We chatted about random things and important things. He wasn't quite as unplugged from his phone, but I still kindly asked to spend more time with him and he was highly receptive to it! It was fantastic. Times I actually spent with friends in person were so full of engagement! I zoned out far less! It was easier to remember important things in their lives because I was truly listening! Overall, unplugging allowed me to become extremely present! And I love every bit of it. All that being said, I'm very excited to see what's been going on in social media land. I feel like I've been absent forever! I'm very eager to see pictures of my friends kids, find out anything new in homeschooling land and overall see whats on the up and up! But I highly recommend everyone detox from social media at some point. It allows you the free mind space to think. I've spent FAR more time in my Bible, praying, devotions. I've thought through situations/problems much quicker than I normally do! I'm not even sleeping as much as I used to. I still sleep a ton, but for example, I woke up at 5a.m this morning. Without social media to interfere, I've been able to online grocery shop (Guys, if you haven't done WalMart Grocery Pick Up....DO IT! NOW! It's absolutely life changing. I even ordered computer paper! Haha It's fantastic. Use my referral code to get $10 off your first order! use me! ), I placed my bulk order (Another life changer. Bulk items, comparable to places like Costco, BJ's etc, frequent sales, no membership fee, free shipping and it all comes straight to your door! It's amazing! click here to receive $15 off your first order!), I printed off some worksheet papers for my older boys schooling today (If you homeschool and love Unschooling like I do! Check out this! I just pop by this webpage to find whatever I'm looking for to fill in my kids learning gaps. It's always fun, always easy and all FREE!), I sent my husband who's been struggling at work and encouraging text, and most importantly I had time in my Bible/with God. In addition to having time to blog. Friends, today is my last day unplugged, but I highly highly recommend you try it! I still feel I will be a bit absent on social media til my husband deploys again (which is soon!), but I'm eager to see how things have been in social media land. I hope if you're reading this, you feel encouraged to try it! :-)

A Great Day....

So last week was rough for me. In all senses of the word. Physically, emotionally, spiritually in all ways, it was just bad. It just seemed as though God was pushing me past my limits. Of course, HE wasn't! HE knows me better than I know myself. I continued to cry my heart out to HIM during my struggles! As faithful as HE always is, HE taught me new things and helped me realize more ways I can change! (Spoiler Alert: I'm not perfect! ;-) ) Monday when I woke up, I was so determined to make this week better. Earlier in the week God was like "Nope! YOU can do nothing without ME!" I heard HIM. So I prayed. I asked him what HIS will was for my week. Of course he can't send me a list of to-do's or anything, but I knew he'd direct my paths if I stayed faithful to my responsibilities HE's given me. So I did. I trucked away at mini mundane tasks and He kept guiding me to play catch up. Fast forward to Wednesday night, my body felt run down and just exhausted. Not surprising given the past weeks turmoil. I thought to myself "Well, you're still behind, you better spend all day Thursday catching up." What I didn't realize was that I also had to play catch forward. haha My siblings were coming to town and I had to do the chores I would normally do then, earlier. I woke up at 6a.m. My first thought (Praise be to God!) was "Let's start this day off! Prayer, devotion more prayer!" So I did! I ended up falling back asleep for a little bit. But when I rewoke I felt energized and ready for the day. Friends, I encourage you so much to start your days with God. It just sets the best tone for the rest of the day! Anyways, from the moment my feet hit the ground I worked. Up, down, inside, outside, I mean I did it all. I got the kids up and dressed for the day. Got laundry started for the day (In my house we do laundry all on one day!), fed the kids breakfast and just kept moving from there. I made a to-do list for the day of all things I didn't do last week, some things i didn't do this week and other things that have just been sitting there waiting for me to take care of them! I did things like cleaning fans, changing all bed sheets, cleaning off my nightstand, hanging a picture that had fallen off, taking apart and putting away the baby swing that has just been taking up room waiting for me to put it away. I mean, the list goes on! Friends, I kid you not when I say I didn't eat, I just kept moving NON STOP! From 7am-8pm. I only sat one time and it was no longer than 30minutes. (Not including the time I sat to write  hand written notes that have been needing to be done) I just worked. Of course I had my kids help me. The older two would take turns watching the baby while I worked and worked. As I was working I thought about how far God's brought me. In the past I never cleaned my house, I never even changed sheets. Sounds gross...but totally was bad at that. And now God's given me more children, a bigger house and schooling to do. I find myself with less time than I normally have. I see how much time I thought I didn't have back when I only had one child. I see how bored I was! I see how much I needed to turn to Jesus more! Friends, you cannot talk to God enough. It's not possible. Throughout my working, I thought about how much joy it would bring my husband to come home after a rough week at work and not worry about doing any chores or worry about a lack of clean house. I knew he'd immediately feel at peace! I knew my children were learning good traits like working hard, organizing etc. I was doing back breaking work and still praising God and so happy to teach that to my children. Today was a GREAT day! Today I accomplished all that and more on my to-do list. So much so, that it feels like magic that I got it all done. But it wasn't magic! I tell you, God is powerful! He knew I needed energy and motivation. HE sent it directly to me! He allowed me to get this house under control and do extra. HE knew I need to feel successful as well! And here we are, just under midnight and I'm just now settling into bed for sleep! I even managed to squeeze in a blog post, a little potty training, a facetime with a best friend and a facetime with grandparents celebrating potty training! If you've had a bad day, week month, heck! Even a year! Don't worry my friend! God is so much more powerful than your own agenda! I promise you! Start your days off asking God what HIS plan is for you for the day! You won't regret it, I promise! :)

Social Media Detox

Okay, hang on! Before you freak out! It's really not as bad as it sounds. I promise! I'm on day 13 of it and it's really honestly enjoyable! January 1st, after encouragement from a friend, I decided to delete my Facebook and Instagram accounts (I don't have Twitter or Snapchat and I'm not really ever on Pinterest) from my phone! I didn't disable the accounts. I just simply don't have them on my phone unless I get on the computer or pull up the web browser on my phone. A couple of months back I was thinking about doing this. Honestly, I'd say it's been on my heart for probably over a year now. I simply lacked the courage to do it! For those who don't know, my husband is constantly deployed. Three months gone, two months home with day working and twenty-four hour duty in those two months (not including any work related schools/classes/travel). I spent the majority of my nights, alone. Social media has been an amazing tool to use to fill that void of loneliness! Especially on Facebook. Besides my friends being on there, I have Mom groups. Need advice? No problem! There's a Mom group for that! Homeschooling! Need advice for that? Yup! Got a group for that too! What about a Christian group of women? Yup! On Facebook! Oh, you need to sell something? No problem! Facebook and Facebook local groups makes that easy as well! It's amazing! So many people bash social media for how much time it soaks but I'm here to tell you that it's also an amazing tool!  For someone who spends many of her nights alone with very little communication from her spouse when he's gone, it's been an amazing thing for me! Not to mention I can easily update close family and friends (even when we don't live near them! #militaryprobs ) with the simple upload of a photo onto Instagram that magically also displays on your Facebook! I mean, seriously though! Social media gets a really bad rep for soaking up all your time, but I really feel it has more to do with WHAT you're doing on that social media. Of course with everything, comes negatives. The negatives are that most people don't reflect their Facebook as their true life. I mean, it's called the highlight realm for a reason! People tend to only post the good stuff. Awhile back, I made a vow to post the bad stuff too, and wouldn't ya know it? People attacked me for it. It seemed my Facebook was too whiny, or I said too much, or it was too 'tmi'. I mean, sometimes you can't win. But when I think about social media and what it means for me personally, I think about how I feel when I'm on it. I think about how often I'm on it. I think about what God says I should be doing with my time. I think about "am I tending enough to my responsibilities (aka children/husband)" I consider whether I'm being the type of person that God calls me to be. Loving, kind, honest, hard working, teacher, etc. I've honestly realized that I do need to spend less time on social media platforms. I do NOT need to update my "status" constantly. It's okay if people don't know my every thought. I need to make sure that when I'm on social media, my responsibilities and duties are done. It's totally okay for me to have social media. However, I think every now and again, it's completely worth it to detox from it. To take a break! To live in the moments that Christ gives us! Each moment is a blessing! We are put on this earth for Christs' benefit! Not our own! I use my social media, sure as a place to brag and post about my life, but the majority of what I do is make connections with like minded Christians, witness to new Mom's, share my knowledge with homeschooling, life, military and even surviving cancer. Social media is an endless platform for so much good! But it's still good to take a step back and "smell the flowers!" It won't hurt you! The first week detoxing honestly flew by. Mostly because of holidays and my husband finally being home. After the first week I did struggle in my moments of boredom because my habit was to turn my phone on. But honestly, waking up to no notifications is amazing! Seriously! Have you ever tried it? I highly recommend you starting your day off with simply waking up! Lately, before I open my eyes, I say a prayer. I pray that God bless my footsteps throughout the day, that He clearly guide me where I go and what I say. I pray that I show more grace and kindness to my children. I pray over every weakness I have. It's highly refreshing! I have gone on Facebook three times via a web browser. One time to show my husband a picture, one time to email someone and one time because of an event I needed to get information for! That's it! Each time I've simply logged in, done what I needed to do and that was it! I'm almost halfway through the month and I find myself sort of dreading the demands social media comes with. Notifications to check, comments to respond to. hahaha It does all get so overwhelming. Not that I don't appreciate the love people show me! I totally do! But it can pull your focus away from what you should/need to be doing. So, all of this is to say, I've found things to do with my moments of boredom. Open up my Bible app on my phone! Blog! Email/text people who I haven't made as much effort to lately. Clean my house. Play a game with my children. Honestly, there's endless things to do! And it does give your brain a good workout, trying to find ways to stay busy! But I promise you, it's totally worth it. This wasn't about bashing social media. Of course it has it's flaws like everything else! But take a step away every now and again. Reevaluate your life. Who you are! What path you're on! Truly, sit and reflect! I bet you'll realize things you've never realized before. I also bet you'll start noticing things in real life that you've never seen before. Social media is totally fabulous! But real life is too! Don't forget to see it!

Monthly Chore Charts...

In case you don't know me and happen upon this article, let me explain something to you. I am NOT OCD however, I definitely love organization and keeping things in a routine. However, due to life and how it usually goes....so much falls to the wayside. I mean, let's face it, we're not Jesus. We will never be perfect, we will never be on top of everything 100% of the time. That's not God's desire for us! We wouldn't need HIM otherwise. I'm not gonna list everything that has prohibited me from being on top of my housewife game but I will tell you that I've never been one to do EVERYTHING housewife wise, that I need to. Which isn't exactly characteristic of me. I enjoy organizing even though mentally it overwhelms me at times. I finally decided (with some persistent pushing from someone) to conquer my weaknesses and channel it into productivity. Guys! I am here to tell you that it's life changing!!!!!! LIFE.CHANG.ING! Personally for me, I have to write things out. My husband hates it. He thinks everything can be done easy peasy on a computer. I love computers, but I'm more traditional. I process better with good 'ol fashioned paper and pen. So when you see the picture I'm going to add at the end of this blog post, don't judge. I'm sure I misspelled some things and some things you may not understand. But I cannot recommend enough figuring out a monthly chore chart that works for you. There are so many online templates that you can just plug in the chores you want to do when. Or you can do what a friend of mine is doing, print out a blank month, laminate it and then add things as you want! I chose to hand write mine and pre-assign chores to my children and I. I also chose to star things that are only once a month and to write out a separate quarterly chore chart. In addition to doing this, I recommend posting it where everyone can see it. My boys have gotten used to it in just a matter of a month! Every day they wake up and say "What's today's chore, Mom?" My oldest can read, but why read when you can just ask mom! ;-) I have to say that I love many things about this chore chart, but one of the biggest reasons I love it, is because it gives us some purpose. Some way to feel accomplished at the end of the day even when chaos is in full swing! It gives my boys a purpose and sense of accomplishment as well. When my husband is home, it's easy for him to see what's going on for the day without even asking! Seriously, it took me quite awhile to do this, but I can't believe I lived so long without it! You can copy mine, or find something that works for you! Do it! Seriously DO IT! You won't regret it and you can thank me later! :-)

Neighbors and Coffee...

Neighbors and Coffee, two words that go together! I am a military spouse and in the almost 9 years of marriage, this is the first time I've lived in military housing. I'm very grateful because my experience has been amazing. We've lived here going on 2 years. My house is attached, by a garage, to one neighbor and on the other side is a decent sized lot/gap between that neighbor. It's been an awesome blessing because I've become so close to both of those neighbors plus one across the street and another on the same side of the street as me but two doors down. That's 4 amazing neighbors. How does that happen? That you become blessed with 4 people who you see day in and day out! It's a miracle, honestly! It didn't take us any time to find out that we all (minus one!) LOVE coffee!!!!! Like, LOVE! So it's become a thing that we have get together's at each other's houses for coffee. Even the one who doesn't love coffee will bring her hot chocolate! We just sit around and chat and laugh over hot cups of beverage. It doesn't happen as frequently as I think we'd like. But it's so nice to have that in a place where you make your home! Growing up I've dealt with neighbors who were aggressively nasty. I remember my parents having the cops called on them and visa versa. It was awful! Because the reality is that you can't control which neighbors you get. So I thank God that there's coffee. I also thank God that I have such amazing neighbors. Especially with a constantly deployed spouse, it's important to recognize that blessing. So neighbors and coffee, two things I'm extremely grateful for today! 

Target Therapy....

If you are a stay at home mom, chances are you love Target. Honestly, if you're a living breathing human being, you probably love Target. I truly can't fathom in my mind any more, what life was like before Target. What did I do with my life? Even when Target's first started coming around, I was far too young and unappreciative of it's glory! It took me spending so many lonely days doing nothing but changing diapers, cleaning bottles, finding binky's and potty training, to truly understand why Target is so amazing. Oh sure, Target is pretentious. You can call it that! I don't mind, because it's true! Target is slightly more expensive than say, WalMart. But yet, I don't care. I go to Target knowing full well that I'm going to buy something I don't need. But I simply don't care. At this point, I'm convinced that Target pumps a chemical or something in the air. Every single time I've gone in Target (even when it's crowded!!!!) there's an automatic calm that washes over me! I'm personally not one for crowds. I get such high anxiety even thinking about crowds. But it doesn't matter what condition Target is in, I'm calm. It's a miracle! I mean, to be honest, why WOULDN'T I shop there?? Okay okay! So they can be over priced and they make me calm. Is that a reason to shop there? No, my friends, there's more. Almost every Target as Starbucks! STARBUCKS! Come on, people! What could be better than shopping in a clean store, with cute products that are slightly overpriced? Overpriced, delicious, usually festive (Christmas time drinks, new year drinks, valentine's day drinks etc) coffee, of course! I mean, come on! I'm doing nothing but winning here. So okay, you're still not convinced? Okay! So there's over priced items, calmness, coffee...what more? Oh! I'm so very glad, dear Reader, that you asked! There's actually "Bargain" Section! Everyone is under $5!!!!! And seriously, guys, that section is hands down my favorite. You can basically get any gift for anyone in that section! They usually have a section or two dedicated to the upcoming holiday! But they have so many neat knick-knacks and odds and ends. But that are so much cuter and better quality than say, the Dollar Store! Okay, so maybe that's not your thing? Never fear, with the smooth riding carts Target generously provide us (seriously, have you ever found a dinky Target grocery cart?), you can cruise around the entire store on their nice shiny, clean floors and shop through Clothes, baby section, electronics, toys, household products, grocery, really anything your soul desires, I can assure you that Target has the answer! Even when I'm dragging all three of my hooligan children, Target is still the answer!!!! January 1st, I decided to take a sabbatical from social media. I deleted the apps off my phone and I won't get on them until February 1st. With the encouragement of a dear friend, I decided it was high time I did so! Today is day 3 and it feels amazing! Which brings me to the point of this post. Once I cleansed myself of social media, I felt the strong desire for a long stroll with Starbucks at Target with a friend. So I asked my friend if she would like to go on a Target date. Her response? "Absolutely!" (That my readers, is why we're friends!) We arrived at Target bright and early and as soon as we got into the store out off the cold, I felt my soul relax. We took our time, chatted and about halfway through our shopping, found out we were expecting a snow storm. It's okay folks, don't panic! Target is the answer! We continued our shopping adding in anything we might need for a snow storm! (Told ya, Target is the answer!) The coffee, the strolling, the conversation, my soul. It just felt complete! It also helped that for the first time in YEARS, I wore jeans! And cute boots! Yes, I dressed up for my date at Target! I feel like this was exactly what my soul was needing. And not having social media interfering also helped! In the past I would've been taking pictures and posting them to Instagram and Facebook. But I could truly live in the moment and just exist without pressure to post about it. It was absolutely incredible. So, my dear Readers. I encourage you to take some time away from your phone. Grab a friend that encourages you, believes in you and despite troubles of the world, still is positive, grab a coffee and head to Target! I promise you that you will not regret it! You will feel so much better! Also, I highly recommend doing something for yourself that you haven't done in awhile. Like wearing a pair of jeans! Folks, I promise! Just do it! Thank me later! ;-)

Had to snap a selfie to document the jean wearing! 

The damage wasn't too catastrophic! Especially for two people! 

Six Letter Word

Preface: If you don't know my cancer story, you can read it here. My Cancer Story!


So often, so very very often, life gets hard. It knocks you down. Frequently! Every adult knows this! Even children sometimes experience this. It never turns out as planned. You can plan and dream away, but life will never go as planned. My personal experiences have been quite a few. The main one? Cancer. Ugh. That 6 letter word. Just six! That's it! Six simple letters can make someone come crashing down so hard and their whole world change! Everyone has a different experience with that six letter word. Some barely have an experience at all! Some die from it. Some suffer for such a long time. Six letters. That's it. Six.


There's things that people don't tell you about that six letter word. They don't tell you that cancer affects everyone. Not just the person who is ill. I had a blood cancer (Leukemia) and it felt like my blood cancer crept through everyone I knew like a blood vessel. The heart just kept on pumping and pumping and pumping. Keeping that blood flowing. Keeping those cancerous cells going and flowing! When we found out I had cancer it wasn't just me dealing with it. It was my husband. Soon as we knew, it spread to him. *Pump pump* What was he going to do? How was he going to be there for me AND take care of everything else? I can't imagine being in his position. I know I'd do it gladly, but I honestly can't imagine how he held it together. I mean, sure, we both had our breakdowns at certain points in time. But how he kept up with everything, I will honestly never know! But he did! He was there for me in ways I didn't even think possible! The amount of gross things he had to do for me, I will never be able to repay him for it!

After my cancer spread to my husband, it then spread to my children. *pump pump* "Where's Mommy?" "I wanna go home." "Where's my Daddy?" My children were very young at the time. A mere 3 and not even 2. We'd gone on vacation which is all fun for them! And then Mommy left and just didn't come back for a long time. They were scooped up and put into a "new" home. A home in which they'd only ever known as a visiting spot. Yes, they loved being with their Grummy and Grandpa. No doubt about it. But where's their Mom and Dad? How do you explain to littles? How do you tell them in words they understand? It was difficult. We basically just told them "Mommy is sick. Daddy has to work and take care of mommy. So you're gonna stay with Grummy and Grandpa until Mommy feels better." They would reply with an "Okay." But I can't help but think in their minds, they still felt abandoned. We did see them, as often as possible. But it's not like I was any where close to normal. I mean, they'd visit me at the hospital. It would be a mix of cuddling in bed watching something on the small tv. Or eating lunch. Or napping. Or sometimes? Just playing on the floor with toys they'd packed.

We always tried to keep things as normal as possible. A huge reason they lived with my parents is so that they had a more consistent normal. After we were back home they again had to jump into a "new" normal. Settling back into our old life wasn't quite what we'd expected. Mom was angry and crazy all the time. There also wasn't a lot of touchy feely going on. I'm sad to say that. I wish I didn't have to admit that...but it's truth. Due to not feeling 100%, I just didn't want to be touched most the time. In fact, touch most of the time, angered me. But I'm happy to say that they hung with me. They continued to love me and the more time passed, the more my oldest grasped the concept of "Checking on me." He really did take on more of a protector roll. He matured a lot the year after cancer. Always looking to see what things he could do to relieve my stress. He still very much is my number one guy! My main support!



After this six letter word spreads through you children, it then moves towards extended family. *pump pump* Parents, siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts.....My cancer didn't stay limited to me, or my husband or my children. It just keeps pumping through veins. My parents stepped in without hesitation and honestly without question. They swooped in and took my children on as if they were theirs. I've never been an extended family member of someone who has cancer, but I know that I would do anything in my power to be there for them as much as I could be! I'm not sure what went through all of my extended family members minds, but I'm sure it was along the lines of what went through mine. Fear. Worry. Hurt. Just to name a few. Six letters is all it takes for you to identify with those feelings and more. SIX.


Finally, the last group that the six letter word passes on to is friends. All friends. Church friends. Neighbors. Acquaintances. *pump pump* Any person that fills whatever leftover gap you have in your life, that person becomes a victim of the 6 letter word! When you are on your death bed (quite literally) it's amazing the amount of people who show they care! You also end up with surprises in finding out those who you thought were friends, never really were. I would say it leaves you heartbroken, but honestly, when you have a near death experience I think you just learn to appreciate the here and now. At least that's how it seems to be for me, personally. But regardless, you find out who cares for you and surely and steadily the cancer continues to creep through.

Cancer is an awful six simple lettered word that is so entirely powerful. It's uncontrollable, the victims it claims. But you know another powerful six letter word that can overcome anything? SAVIOR! God, is my Savior! God is strong, mighty, lovely, divine, relief, I honestly could probably go on all day. But all of those words have six letters. Six letters create something even more powerful than cancer. Even more powerful than the victims it claims. God! God brought me through all of this life. HE created me for HIS purpose! And all of those things and facts are stronger than any six letter word! God created me and the blood in my veins. *pump pump* The blood that almost killed me can also keep me alive! Cancer. Six letters. Savior. Six letters.

Birthdays and Deployments

It's been so long since I've blogged! I really have missed it. I always find myself thinking "Oh! I'd love to blog this!" but it's always among showering, cooking, schooling, raising children....you get the point. Now that the baby is finally a bit older, I've found myself with a bit more time than I had before, which brings me to the point of this blog!
MY BABY IS ONE!!!!!!!! I can't believe it! Seriously, it went so fast. I felt like by the time I finally had a third; a much awaited, long hoped for third, I knew how to appreciate every moment. I didn't sweat the small stuff. I enjoyed every waking minute. Oh yes, sleep deprivation was SO real! So was low milk supply. Pumping. Learning to balance raising three children on my own since Daddy is always gone. This new life we live now involves Daddy being gone far more than any of us would like! He deploys for 2-3 months at a time, home for 1-2 months and so on and so forth. It's awful! In addition to these deployments there's no communication. Sure, we can email him! But his responses are hardly regular! When we do get a response it's usually pretty short and leaves us starving for more. It's hard to say the least. I personally, miss his voice alone! Sure, I've learned to LOVE binging my own shows and hogging the bed, but I would give it all back without hesitation, just to have him back home! Today? Its our precious baby's 1st birthday and Daddy has to miss it all! We didn't celebrate really, because he will be home soon-ish! We have a party planned. But it was super emotional for me. Probably not so much the kids. This first year of my son's life has been challenging. We had to move one month after my c-section. We had to wait for a house to become available. Husband had to report to work before our furniture arrived at our home. The stress, the sleep deprivation. It was beyond awful. I lost so much hair. Meanwhile I was trying to keep everyone happy and positive! I was trying to figure out life again with a new baby. But this time without a husband and two older children who I homeschool. I'd be lying if I said I slid right into the life. I wanted to nurse for a year which proved to be far more challenging that I had predicted! It took me a long time to recover from my c-section. My milk came in fairly quickly, however, I didn't seem to have near as much as I had with the first two and didn't take advantage of! Plus we had moved to a new state during the summer and further south than we were used to. Getting used to the heat and humidity was a huge trial in regards to my milk supply! I found myself always drinking water and some how always being dehydrated. I was determined and stuck with it. I ended up exclusively pumping from month 3 on. I was so very grateful to be giving my baby exactly what he needed and loved. He grew, thrived and has developed into a handsome, intelligent, feisty, opinionated wee nugget. God allowed me to survive pumping and we have made it to a year! Needless to say, it's bittersweet! Today I've found myself flooded with emotions. Thinking back to walking into the hospital to birth him. The mass amounts of anxiety during the prep of my c-section. The emotions of seeing my new son. The pain of after birth complications. The extreme joy in seeing my family all together as a new family of 5. The healing. Every last emotion. Including recalling every emotion over the last year of his precious life. Thinking of it all there was one person there. One person who stood by my side the whole time. One person who, even though we've had our downs, has been the ONLY person I want to run to when I'm sick or upset. My husband. My children's father. And because of deployment, he couldn't be here today. With us, celebrating all of the emotions, joys, tears and fears. Not only that, we couldn't talk to him. He sent me a short email this morning, but when I immediately responded there was no response. (Normal!) Today I'm sensitive. Today, I've stayed off Facebook and watching everyone enjoy their weekends with their spouses. I've stayed busy. I've taken care of my house, children, really I found every excuse to stay busy. But I will definitely be going to bed with a heavy heart tonight. Tomorrow, I will wake up feeling stronger and better. But tonight my heart will yearn and ache. Yearn for the time that's flown by. Yearn for the baby who's growing so quickly right in front of my eyes. Ache for my love. A deep ache that I can't put into words because my soul is not complete. An ache because our family is not complete and is definitely missing a huge part. Despite the tears I've shed over this weekend, I praise God. I praise God because even when jealousy gets the best of me, I know HE has been gracious to me! I have a husband to miss! I have 3 healthy sons who bring me daily joy! Despite the tears, I will rejoice! Because deployments are hard but life gives you gifts, like birthdays! Enjoy your loved ones, friends! Hold them close! Appreciate your spouse who comes home every night! Reach out to a friend who's without their husband more often than you! Chances are, they could use a meal, hug, coffee, wine....really anything!

Rain, Strep Throat and Poop....Oh My!

You know those days where you wake up and expect to get so much done and the day to go smoothly? I don't know why I ever wake up like that, to be honest. Every single day never goes as planned. That's the magic of life. However, I still woke up today expecting a certain thing from this Monday. I was pretty happy because Mr Baby had slept from 8pm-6am! It was GLORIOUS! Once I opened my eyes and sat up in bed, my oldest came in to tell me that my middle child was sleeping. Uhm...it was 9am....why was he still sleeping. One thing you need to know about my children, they sleep great BUT they rise and set with the sun. The latest they've ever slept is 8:30am and that was so long ago I don't even remember. I kinda brushed it off because we'd had a crazy busy, exciting, fun filled weekend. Then he wakes and comes into my room. As I saw him coming down the hallway I knew what I was in for. You could just see on this face that he was burning up. I took his temp. Yup, 101. Full blown fever. Then I realized he hadn't said a word. SO weird for this kid. I asked what was wrong and he said his throat hurt. Oh goodie! So I called and scheduled him an appointment that wouldn't take place til 3pm. Well, that worked out well, since I needed to get up, feed a baby, pump, feed the oldest, divvy up some medicines and prepare. By the time all of that was done and we were getting close to leaving the sky started looking gray and promising. Promising of rain. I love rain! SO much! More than rain? I love thunderstorms! Except, when I have to drag 3 kids out in it. One who's sick and one who's in a heavy carseat carrier. Ugh! We make it into the car just as it starts coming down. I was hoping it'd let up. It of course got 10x's worse. I prayed on the way there, that God give us a front parking space. I know, I know! Such a trivial thing to pray for, but I was really hoping for it. Guess what? He gave it to us! Even though we were right up front, it was still quite a bit of good walking distance to get inside. So, I made sure to tell the kids to prepare. I hopped out and by the time I made it to the trunk to open it up for the stroller, I was SOAKED. I mean SOAKED through my hair to my scalp, kinda soaked. Once the trunk was open I was able to hide under that and set up the stroller. Finally got everyone loaded and huddled under the trunk. Finally I said "GO!" and we took off. Only, as I pulled the trunk down, a bucket of collected rain water fell directly on me. Perfect. Then I started sliding out of my flip flops. I ripped them off, while trying to cover the baby's carseat with a changing mat. Of course before we were even halfway the thing had blown off. The older two thought this was great fun and quite hilarious. The child in me, wanted to join and screams of laughter and giggles. But the Mom in me knew as soon as we walked into that cold air conditioned hospital, we were gonna freeze. We finally make it indoors completely soaked. Like we'd jumped into a pool. While checking into the Dr she hands me a check list sheet to fill out and I basically soaked the piece of paper. We were there for hours. Positive strep test. Which honestly made me happy because we can fix that with antibiotics. The Dr thought it could also be Hand Foot Mouth and if you're a Mom, you run screaming from that! So strep, even though contagious, was fixable. Perfect. Of course the whole time we were waiting at the Doctors it was barely drizzling outside. Once our script was ready and we started for the car, you guessed it. Torrential down pour! I stood inside the doorway to make sure  it wasn't going to let up any time soon. Well, it didn't. There was a lady standing there waiting as well. I asked if she was going to be there for a minute and she JUMPED at the chance to help me. She stood with the kids while I pulled the car up as close as I could. Of course getting soaked. When I get back to the kids the lady is simply GUSHING with amazement. "I've been chatting with your boys and they informed me that you homeschool TOO???? On top of taking care of all of this??? I have two 1 year olds and I could never handle that! How do you do it???" Soaking wet and a little thrown off I responded with a "God, prayer and coffee!" She laughed, but I don't think she realized how dead serious I was. Which cracked me up. She got to asking me what my husband does and when I explained that he was currently gone, her eyes got even bigger. (Believe me! I didn't believe it was possible!) She was simply amazed I was managing all I was managing. The funny thing about that, is when people see what I do, they don't see the silent tears at night, the yelling at my children, the mistakes I make all day every day. They just see the surface. And it reminded me how much we don't see what God does. It's easy to see he's blessed me with a Godly, handsome, strong husband and 3 very healthy happy children. (minus the strep throat of course haha!) But it's not easy to see WHY I had to drag three kids out in pouring down rain because one of my kids is sick. I don't see WHY my husband has to be away from me 85% of our 7 years of marriage. But yet, here I am. Loving life. Loving the trials and tests. Of course after I get home and for the second time get soaked by the rain water that had collected on the trunk while loading the kids up and finally settle in, I realize Baby's got a poopy blow out diaper. Well of course he does. I'm exhausted, soaking wet, cold and I still need to get dinner on the table, divvy out medicine again and pump. As I'm bathing the baby I realize, every second I breathe, it's a blessing. Every Monday I wake up and it's nothing like I plan, it's a blessing. Every time I have to drag three children out in the pouring down rain, it's worth it. Because God's put me on this earth for a reason. He's made my life a certain way for a reason. I will embrace it and thank HIM for it!