Boy, Oh Boy, Oh Boy!

It's official! I'm going to have THREE boys! To be honest, shock is the word I can best describe my feelings. Shock and very overwhelmed. I know I've said I love being a Boy Mom. I really do! But I honest to goodness thought they'd tell me this one was a girl. Still doesn't feel real. You all will be reading this about two weeks after I found out. I'm writing this now and saving it as a draft to publish when it's revealed. I knew my chances for having another boy were high being that I already had two. And now that I have three, the chances of a girl are even lower. So, let me explain some of my emotions.

First off, lets back up to how I found out. Originally we knew we were getting the blood genetic test. The reason for the test was to find out if anything was wrong with the baby. Due to chemo, I was just really nervous about what possibly chemo, might have done to my eggs. The bonus of the test was that we'd find out gender before my first Trimester was up. So, I got it done on Monday, October 5, 2015. It was a simple blood draw...then they send your blood in for a lab to run all kinds of tests. I'm not sure what all this genetic screening covered. I plan on asking at my check-up on Monday what we can rule out genetic wise. Anyways, they told me it could take up to two weeks. Bummer. The original plan (when I thought the test would only take like 3 days) was for me to go get an envelope with the answer from the Dr's office, then go shopping with my little family! Pick out a boy and girl outfit and have the cashier wrap up which outfit is correct while we left the store for a bit. We'd come back, pay for the outfit and walk away with a wrapped gift. I did not want to find out over the phone! Then Hubby T got orders to be out of town that week. Okay. Military life. What are ya gonna do? So we stuck to the original plan and just planned on skyping Daddy from the store and then we'd go home and unwrap while skyping at home. The 4 of us. Cute plan right? Well, then they told me the test would take 2 weeks. Ugh! Okay, no biggie! After thinking and talking about it, I decided to do a gender reveal party. I've never done one. This baby is a miracle, so why not? So I immediately set about planning a gender reveal. I set the party date for a couple days past 2 weeks from the test. Thursday, October 22, 2015 is the gender reveal. I should find out gender no later than Monday, October 19th. Plus I have a check up scheduled for that day, so perfect. Once date is set I then proceed to plan the party. After thinking about it and discussing it with Hubby T, we decide that I'm going to find out gender. Just me. That way I could process it myself and not be subject to people's judgments and criticism over my reaction. I knew ahead of time I'd need my space if it was another boy. Which I will explain more of later. So fast forward through that week. Husband comes home late Monday afternoon. I set up last minute our Christmas Photo sessions. We always get family photos done in October. The natural scenery is just too perfect to pass up. We needed to get them done ASAP because the weather is changing quite fast. And between Husband's work schedule and class schedule...we just needed to do it as soon as possible. So, that meant Tuesday. Oh good! Cause I didn't have enough planned. Every Tuesday the boys have swim lessons from 11:30am-12pm. And two weeks before I'd scheduled a much needed class I couldn't miss from 10-11:15am. Yes. Tight packed. So Christmas photos were scheduled for Tuesday right after all of that! Because we were already going to be there doing family Christmas photos, why not go ahead and snap a few gender reveal photos as well? Because I have a plate full, let's keep adding scoops of mashed potatoes! You can't ever have enough of those! :-P So since we didn't know gender at that point, we just thought we'd go ahead and do both and use which ever one was right. As soon as I woke up Tuesday morning I knew I didn't have energy to survive the day! So I told Hubby T "At some point today, before pictures, I'm just going to call and see if they have results...because I don't have energy to do both things today and it'd just help narrow it down and ease the burden a lot!" He agreed. But that put him in a tough spot. He wanted to find out a cute way. I really didn't wanna find out over the phone but at this point, lack of energy won out for me. I was just gonna call. So while my Dr was looking for something, I called my OB office real quick (during my appointment from 10am-11:15a.m). "Do you have my test results" "I do!" I just started freaking out in my mind. At that point in time, I longed to hear girl. I imagined her saying it. Honestly, I blanked out. She mumbled something about test results and everything coming out negative. Perfect! I should be happy, but in that moment all I cared about was GIRL GIRL GIRL!!!!! Say it! Just say it!!!!! 4 simple letters! GIRL! Don't say boy.....PLEASE don't say boy! She said "Are you ready to find out gender?" I wanted to scream and say "YES! JUST TELL ME GIRL ALREADY!!!!" "YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE......" and she pauses. No joke! That felt like the longest 2 seconds of my life! "Boy" I'm pretty sure I blacked out! First of all, lets keep in mind I was trying to make it quick regardless. My Dr was done and waiting for me. Thankfully she was kind and understanding. I had asked if it was okay if I took a second to call. I honestly don't remember what I said. Something along the lines of "thank you so much!" In my head it was more like "This isn't real." I remember trying to fight the tears. Immediate tears. I laughed.  Normal M.O for me. Swallowed those tears and finished out the appointment. The appointment ran late, which in turn made us late for swim lessons. So after my appointment was done I rush downstairs. Hurry everyone to the car in a panic. (Because the two texts I sent hubby about pack it up, get ready...he never read) Rush to the YMCA. The whole time my mind is racing I feel numb and beat up all at the same time. I inform my husband in the car (with sunglasses on) that I know the gender. So, it would help us narrow down pictures and time and stress. But I made the decision his. Without saying it, I knew he didn't just want me to tell him. He didn't want me stressed and over burdened (which I'd done to myself) but I could tell he was torn. I gave him the option of finding out at the Gender Reveal or I could tell him before pictures. He made a guess it was a girl. Then said he didn't know. So we rushed into the YMCA, he ran off to get the boys changed while I finished parking, bringing in change of clothes and checking the boys in. At this point, I really wanted to go home and cry into my pillow. I knew it was mostly hormones. I'd been due for a good cry for awhile. But typical Hannah-Fashion, I'd be swallowing it for weeks. "HORMONES WILL NOT WIN!" (Psht...said no pregnant woman ever! :-P lol) Anyways, I finally get a chance to sit with Theo. We discuss the options. I could tell he wanted to know. He finally said he did, but he doesn't just want me to tell him. I asked what he wanted me to do between now and pictures to tell him? haha His response was "I dunno! Maybe you could snapchat me! Blank screen, then maybe the next screen is all blue or all pink." I thought that was dumb! haha! I then went off to think for a minute. I decided to snapchat him. For those who have snapchat...here's at it went: Blank Screen (8sec....each screen was 8sec), Selfie with "Are you ready to find out gender?", Picture of the side of a box (inside the YMCA) that had pink, blue and green handprints all over it "Pink or Blue, which will it be?", Selfie with "I don't think you're ready!!!!", Selfie with "Brace Yourself!!!!!", Black background with "It's A..........?!?!?!?!?!", Selfie with "I don't think you're ready!", Black background with "FOR THIS JELLY!!!!!!", Selfie with "Gotcha", Black background with a pink heart "Girl?", Black Background with blue heart "Boy?", Selfie with "Not telling you via Snapchat", Selfie with "Think of the time you just wasted!!!!!", Picture of parking lot and our car "Follow me to the answer", Picture of envelope "In here lies the answer" (YES! I KNOW THAT'S MISSPELLED, I just didn't realize it then) and then last picture is of the envelope lying in the glove compartment box with smiley faces! So inside the envelope I had written BOY in blue marker! So that is how Daddy found out he'd be the father of 3 boys! We were both honest to goodness shocked. But as my packed schedule would have it, no time for processing. On to the next thing. We were almost to the picture site by the time he'd viewed all the snapchats and read the envelope. Wow! Wow was what he said....with a few "Well here's some positive things about it." He knew I was a bit bummed. I swallowed those tears once more and continued on to our next activity. We decided not to tell the boys because we don't need them blurting it out at the Gender Reveal. So, we kept calm. We did do boy gender reveal pictures but the boys didn't even notice! We also told them that they weren't to tell anyone about the pictures period. "They're going to be a surprise! You can't tell anyone we got pictures done until we tell you, that it's okay!" They said "Okay!" And continued on their merry way. I have to say, they're pretty good at keeping secrets. After we got home from a crazy exhausting day, I find myself unable to fight tears any more. So I ran and hid in my room. I cried for a good 45 minutes! At least! I just needed my space to release these hormones and just all in all crash from the stress of the past few weeks!

Some of you are probably very confused by my response. I've made it very clear that I LOVE being a boy Mom. I would rather have all boys than all girls. I also made it clear that I would be happy with another boy. However, this doesn't mean I didn't hope for a girl. For the most part, I tried to keep those hopes buried deep. I remember being so livid that my second son C was a boy. I mean, I was straight up angry and convinced he was a girl, solely because I wanted him to be. This baby was different. This baby is a miracle. A baby we didn't think we'd have the chance of having. And not to mention, despite all the trauma my body's been through, a healthy baby with a healthy pregnancy thus far! Everything was going so well. However, when talking about names, they weren't flowing for us. Especially boy names. We seemed to be completely out of boy names. I was slightly panicked. But being that we'd decided on a girls name, I just thought "Well maybe that's God's way of telling us we don't need a boy name." And then as the weeks passed, it just felt more and more like a girl. I felt my feelings were validated once Theo said that he kinda felt it was a girl as well. Plus I thought "This could be our last one that we have biologically." So my hope for a girl was even stronger. Hopefully God would bless us with a little girl that looks like Daddy and Mommy! A girl who I didn't have to fight so hard to understand. A girl who, yes later on, would PMS and cause so much drama and tears. But a girl who I could relate to! Because facts are facts. I am a girl! And not that a girl would be into every girly thing I'm into, but there's no doubt that I would be able to communicate and understand exactly where she's coming from. Most people who know me, do not understand how much work being a Boy Mom is. It's straight up hard. I don't understand them! AT ALL!!!!! I've blogged about this before. I don't understand the way they communicate, interact...I mean, come on!!!!! Who considers pummeling each other into the ground constantly, a fun activity?! What are you thinking? And the amount of times I feel lonely in this house is...well, I've lost count. No one understands why I'm not entertained by 2 hours of straight up hardcore competition. Or why I don't wanna play bad guys for the umpteenth time today! Sometimes I feel straight up isolated. Like I'm the only one who understands me or wants to do what I wanna do! Daddy and the boys have a never ending supply of fun. I mean, those boys constantly communicate and bond. But to get my bonding in, It's a real honest to goodness effort. Mostly on my part, since the boys are still so young. I can only hope once they're older one of them might be like "Hey Mom! Wanna go for a pedicure?" And will just sit with me and not even be shy and get a pedicure himself. I mean, a girl can dream, right? Well, anyways.....all of this is to say, I am happy it's a boy! I'm sad it's a boy too. After I left my appointment yesterday on the way down the elevator, I had this honest to goodness wave of overwhelm and anxiety. This is never going to end for me. The non stop moving, the roughness, the constant need to stay on top of them like a drill Sargent to get them to learn that "Oh they're just boys!" isn't always a good excuse. The loneliness and isolation isn't going to end. At least not now! Then there was the anxiety of "What if we never have another one? Or now that I have 3, the chances of a 4th are even higher!" Then I had the brief moment of dread. "You were destined to be a Boy Mom" or "You make such a good boy mom, you're good at it!" or "Least you have everything you need!" All the responses. I knew I'd need a good two weeks to brace myself for all of them. Yes, I love being a Boy Mom because I have no choice. It is what it is. Yes, I'm good at it, because my children can't afford for me NOT to be! No! I don't have everything I need. I don't have anyone in this house who understands what it's like to get a freaking period every freaking month! Or anyone who remotely understands what it's like to deal with hormones. Lots and LOTS of hormones. I also feel so demeaned by the "You were destined to be a Boy Mom response." How bout I was just destined to be a Mom. I know, I know....boy moms are exceptional. I agree. You don't know what you're talking about until you've raised all boys! I get it! I'm also not at all envious of those who have to raise all girls. I mean, I still stand by I'd rather have all boys than all girls. But that doesn't mean I don't long for some company. And borrowing someone else's child just isn't the same. We're getting ready to move right after this baby arrives and boy! Get ready to feel even more lonely and isolated. Because the guys will all have each other...but this girl will be 100% lonely until we build up another support system in a different place. Ha! Most people don't even know what that's like. I've never been very good at being on my own.

All that being said, I'm very happy that we have a healthy baby boy! I'm very happy that I will know exactly what I'm doing while changing a diaper. Chances of me getting peed on? 0.999%!  (May I remind you all that by the time second Boy C came along, I did not get peed on one single time...I'm a straight up pro!) I'm very happy that I can cloth diaper while we're moving and traveling and I won't be worried about "Did I leave her diaper on too long? Will she get a yeast infection?" Nope! No worries there. Traveling with cloth diapers and a boy are gonna be a piece of cake! I'm also very happy because I won't have to worry about this one's well being. Another boy? Black eyes? Psht! No worries, boys live for that stuff! Verses a girl, I was already stressed about making sure the boys aren't too rough. My level of concern with another boy......greatly lowers this risk. (don't worry friends, I'm not putting new baby boy into the wrestling ring before 6mo...maybe at 6mo...KIDDING! ONLY KIDDING!!!!) Also another bonus, our next place, I have every single right to demand MY OWN BATHROOM. I'm PAST done sharing a bathroom with 3 boys! And make it 4? Yeah, I have every right to have my own bathroom and for that, I can NOT wait! Also, another bonus...guess who gets to make bathroom runs out in public? One hint, it ain't me! lol We're pretty open and honest with our children, but one thing I don't have to worry about, is explaining more intense details that to be honest, I HAVE NO CLUE ABOUT! I don't even really have to talk about periods. That's kinda nice. (Til that one month that I'm overly hormonal and I wanna wallow with someone in self pity about stupid periods! ;-) ) I also feel, that since I've never been good at being alone, this is God's way of getting me to like myself a bit more. Not need the approval of other people so much. Learn that it's indeed okay, to just be me, by myself. And one last mega positive! God saw fit for us to have another boy! Period. HIS plan is perfect even if it brings tears temporarily. As much as I cried yesterday I also continued to thank God for a healthy baby no matter the gender. God also brought me a little gift. I started stressing after we found out it was a boy, because we had NO boy names on our list. At all! Well, thanks to a dear friend, it looks like we may have a name! Which is super exciting! Especially because now I don't have to worry about it. So that was an awesome gift that did make me feel a lot better. I still feel a bit numb and that it just seems so unreal. But, I have time. I just found out a little over 24hrs ago. And had less of that time to actually process it! Yes, I might cry when saying it's a boy for a bit. But please don't take that to mean I hate this baby or that I'm mad. I'm OKAY! I just need time to adjust. Time to find new hopes and dreams! Time to enjoy what God's been so gracious to give us! A miracle! A healthy miracle! Isn't that all that really matters?

In addition to all this, I would like to ask for people's understanding. If I cry when talking about it being a boy, don't worry! Hand me a tissue and tell me "I love you!" That's it! I don't need to beat myself up for crying any more than I already have. Don't tell me I make a great BOY Mom, just tell me I make a great mom. Period. Remind me that God has great plans and regardless HIS plans are always better than anything I could ever dream. So! Mud, wrestling, bad guys, here I come! For better or worse, I'm comin for ya! ;-)

Here's our life.....summed up in one picture.......